UPJOKE
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Inspired by the Egyptian goddess of motherhood, I announced that I would name my unborn daughter Isis.

People lost their heads.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Man don’t ever make a isis joke

You always execute it horribly

Three soldiers (an Italian, an American, and a Brit) are all captured by ISIS

The ISIS torturer sneers at each of the prisoners and lets them know that he will be extracting all the information he can from each of them.



The Brit speaks up first. With a stiff upper lip and a staid, British countenance, he looks the torturer directly in the eyes and dares him, "...

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

What's the difference between an ISIS K bomb maker and an Afghani aid worker?

How should I know I just fly the drone

Had a job interview with ISIS today...

They asked me where I see myself exploding in five years.

When my dad turned 40 he left me and my mom and went to Syria to become a terrorist.

I guess he's just going through his midlife ISIS.

What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?

How should I know? I just fly the drones.

What makes an Isis joke good?

The execution

When ISIS is finally destroyed...

Historians should start referring to it as "WASWAS".

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So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida

Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.

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You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two sty...

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

Why did ISIS and MS-13 not endorse Donald Trump ?

He's taking their jobs.



Courtesy of my wife.

My girlfriend ran off with a member of ISIS and said shes never coming back

I guess she didnt know what Jihad.

What is you call the Mexican version of ISIS?

SISI

How did ISIS rebrand itself after the death of all its leaders?

It changed its name to
WASWAS

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What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 mil...

The ISIS leader has been killed

Now the organisation is called as WASWAS

What did the Redditor that joined ISIS say?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

Why is ISIS recruiting young members?

Because all they have right now are Boomers.

What is the difference between a Pakistani School and a ISIS Trainingscamp?

I have no idea I'm only flying the drone.

How do we call an old ISIS terrorist?

A boomer.

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ISIS vs Badass Marines

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune- “Hey you bastards! One Marine is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!”

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle...

Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

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Q: Why don't ISIS fighters have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?

A: Because the camels can't handle it.

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I went to an ISIS birthday party once

The musical chairs were slow but fuck me pass the parcel was quick.

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What's the difference between a Japanese kamazazi and a member of ISIS?

One's a Zoomer, one's a Boomer.

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

What would you call ISIS after they've been eliminated?

WASWAS.

What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way.

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Did you hear about the plan to use sex dolls to defeat ISIS?

They blow themselves up.

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh

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A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

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How did the ISIS camel pass out from exhaustion?

It had to teach sex ED and Driver's ED at the same time.

You've got to hand it to Trump, he defeated ISIS...

...they gave up operations after Trump shows he can kill more Americans than they ever could.

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The head of ISIS finally agreed to be interviewed...

So the interviewer said, "I noticed that every time ISIS releases a video there are always Toyota trucks in the background. Whether it is ISIS members riding in the back of the truck or a torture video, you always see a Toyota truck. Why it is that you guys drive Toyota trucks?"

The head of ...

A bunch of soldiers were suddenly under fire by ISIS troops

Officer: Men! FIRE AT WILL!

Will: What did I do?

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

So the ISIS leader was killed which is all well and good but it doesn't change the fact

that Prez. Trump had a premature evacuation.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

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When a male ISIS terrorist go to heaven, they meet 10.000 virgins.

They are all male ISIS terrorists.

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions

they should kill a lion.

How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group?

They cut a head

What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

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So I bought this sex doll online from an ex ISIS guy.

Really easy, these dolls blow themselves up!

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”

General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“

Obama: “No I am not.”

General: “Tanks, Obama.”

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At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?

Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.

Interviewer: Sex?

Recruit: Often twice a day.

Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?

Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

Isis have developed

isis have developed an explosive prayer mat they are selling like hot cakes.prophets are going through the roof

If the ISIS decided to suicide bomb in Hawaii

will they shout "allahu akbar" or "aloha akbar?

What do you call a concession stand operated by Isis?

Allahu Snackbar

Did you hear about the ISIS graphic designer?

He was handed some selfies and asked to blow them up.

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Some say members of ISIS fuck kids...

...But they actually let the goats grow up first.

Geez guys Not all Muslims are ISIS...

Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.

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A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

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My boyfriend told me he calls his dick "little ISIS"...

My boyfriend told me he calls his dick "little ISIS" because it's like a nuclear bomb in his pants.

I told him he should call it "little North Korea" because that nuclear bomb is dysfunctional.

What do you call an ISIS member with Tourette's?

A ticking time bomb.

What does Donald Trump and ISIS have in common?

Both take credit for things they didn't do.

Why does ISIS call camels "Ships of the Desert"?

Because they are full of ISIS seamen.

ISIS has reportedly starting putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup

If any go off, it could spell disaster

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ISIS Warrior, Frog, Doctor

An ISIS Warrior walks into his Doctor's office with a Frog sitting on his head.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.

"Well as you might have seen, there's a really big tumor on my ass." replied the frog.

What's the difference between parents who don't vaccinate their children and ISIS?

One is a group made up of radicals with extremist views.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the other group is ISIS.

ISIS Awards Night

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.

Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

Have you heard the song ISIS by Joyner Lucas ft Logic

The song has been really blowing up recently

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head.

I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Meanwhile at an ISIS training camp

A bunch of prospective terrorists gathered for their final training lesson before going into the field.

Their instructor said, “Now, watch closely, children. I can only show you how to do this once.”

What does Isis use to clean its plates?

A Daeshwasher.

At the ISIS training ground

Director: All right, I am going to show you how to perform a successful suicide bombing

Director: Watch carefully, because I only going to show you this once

What do ISIS members like to play in their spare time?

Bomberman

How do you describe an ISIS member who likes to surf?

Radical, dude.

Do you want to party with ISIS?

I'm sure it'll be a blast.

What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

They both hate the French press

Why do ISIS fighters avoid Montreal restaurants?

because they serve Poutine.

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What does ISIS think of their sex slaves?

They're the GOAT.

ISIS vs North Korea. Who would win?

everyone

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How do ISIS members practice safe sex?

they mark the camels that kick

You know why the ISIS terrorist was happy when he was captured?

He thought waterboarding would be a blast!

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From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge...

So I tried to tell a friend of mine an Isis joke...

but it was poorly executed

How do we know ISIS is low on money?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has pop rocks and coke in his Amazon order history.

I can't wait for ISIS...

...to become WASWAS

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How do you chop an ISIS members dick off?

Kick his 9 year old wife in the jaw!

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