UPJOKE

They Said Jokes

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They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

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80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

I tried donating two classic board games to a thrift store, but they said they could only take one. I asked which one they wanted and they said...

Sorry. We don't want any Trouble.

Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mar...

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

They said beating cancer was hard, and lucky

But im already on stage \*4\*

I tried to join this walking group, but was rejected because they said I didn't walk "the right way."

Man, I hate gait-keepers.

Shoot your shot they said. You'll be okay they said.

I got charged with attempted murder.

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

nothing was alphabetized!

They weren't kidding when they said kids were expensive..

I was finally able to pay off my car loan after I sold my newborn.

I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault

But it was pepper

(OC)

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

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Did you hear what they said about the thalidomide porn star?

He had an arm like a babies cock

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

They said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have"

So now I'm sat in a disciplinary meeting, wearing a Batman costume.

They said I’d never make it as a flasher….

I sure showed them!

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They said I have a face that only a mother could love.

But so far none of the mothers in my basement do, I guess I will keep looking.

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

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They said I could never rip out my p*nis masturbating

But leave it to me to pull it off.

They said it couldn't be done. They said I would never become an entire African country.

But I'm Ghana be

So I said to my doctor, "Doc, I asked all three of my boys what they wanted to be when they grew up, and they said they wanted to be valets!"

And the Doc replies, "Wow, that's the worst case of Parking Sons disease I've ever seen!"

I thought they said freebies

My disappointment stung almost as much as the bees

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

When they said I would be making a profit,

that's when I started gaining interest.

They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring!

They said it couldn't be done!

So I didn't do it

When i was 7, they said my body was a temple

I guess thats why priest came into my body every day

They said I should follow my dreams

So I went back to sleep.

They said I shouldn't huff nitrous oxide...

They said I shouldn't huff nitrous oxide, because it's bad for my brain.
Who's laughing now!?

They said we should’ve seen the pandemic coming.

Hindsight is 2020

“Come Again” They said as the woman drops off her stained dress at the drycleaners

“No, it’s actually a yogurt stain this time.” She replied

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

What did the Cuban parents tell their kids when they said they wanted to visit the motherland?

Havana ooh na na

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I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

I was in a hotel the other week and the phone next to my bed rang - they said “hi, it’s reception - it’s 7am and you’re quite overweight for your age”.

I’ll tell you, it was a wake-up call.

I resigned from my job as a personal trainer as they said I wasn’t strong enough

I handed in my too weak notice

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Person asked me what I did for a living. I told them I work in a pickle jarring factory. They said that’s weird.

I said what’s the big dill, that’s how I make my bread and butter

They said that the Super Bowl was going to be exciting.

But that was a LIII.

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

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I was asked to pose nude for an art class. They said I had the perfect body.

Okay, it was a ceramics class, and they were making ashtrays, but ...still

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I went to donate sperm and they said I'd have to masterbate in a cup.

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete.

They said when pigs fly..

But the swine already flu

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

They said I wasn't gonna get laid this year...

...jokes on them. I got laid off today.

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

Be more like Christ they said...

Be more like Christ they said, so I became Jewish.

They said my car was unsafe and I should stop driving it immediately.

Then again, bad brakes have never stopped me before....

They said I couldn't drink my problems away...

But science says Alcohol is a solution.

I applied to join the police but they said I was ineligible

My parents are married

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.

But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

I don't see them laughing now.

Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide.

Who's laughing now?

"If you don't know the answer, just pick 'c'", they said...

Thanks a lot, everyone, now I have the worst prescription glasses ever

They said I'd never make it as a screenwriter, but I just signed a multi-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

They said ''icy" is the easiest word to spell

I see why

I wanted to have a party at the library but they said no

They were fully booked

I went to a sermon because they said they had free wifi.

But they didn't, I couldn't connect to the promised LAN.

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They said pandas couldn't get babies

They were fucking wrong.

I got a call from the local police station this morning, they said they want to interview me...

i don't remember applying for a job there

They said calculus would be integral to my education

I found it a little derivative.

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When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

I was fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

They said I'd get stronger if I hit the gym

they didn't mention it would hit back

While I was walking in the woods, I found two badgers in a suitcase. I called the RSPCA. They said " Are they moving?"

I said "Well, that would explain the suitcase..."

They said Elvis was the King of rock and roll, but do you know who the Queen is?

Elizabeth II

To be great, you need the heart of a lion they said...

All I got was a lifetime ban from the zoo

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