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Right Now Jokes

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

What is the most expensive video streaming service right now?

College.

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

A middle-aged married couple live in a small house on the beach. One afternoon they get into a huge fight. The woman says to the man, "I'm so angry I can't even stand to look at you right now," and hands him a large bucket.

"Go down to the beach and fill that bucket up with snails for tonight's dinner," The woman tells her husband, "and once you've done that maybe I'll be able to stand being around you again."

The man reluctantly agrees and heads down to the beach with the bucket. It takes him several hours, bu...

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

I’m going through a lot right now.

Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.

Everyone in the US is choosing sides right now

I choose inside.

I'm sure Patrick Mahomes is in pain right now

But Jalen Hurts

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Sperm and egg sales are experiencing a boom right now

I guess sex cells

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

Inflation is so bad right now ..

That a picture is now worth 2000 words.

What is Mozart doing right now?

Decomposing.

What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?

Scratching the hell out of his coffin lid.

Man: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” Woman: “why?”

Man: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

In all the blackouts, those unsure of the best place on Reddit for discussion and updates about the Titan right now?

Try the subreddit

My mom is too angry right now

She says she will bang my head on the keyboard if i stay on the desk for anotherlkjdflkdjfvnvsdfsl'

Guess what I have right now?

Your attention.

Right now my brain is like a web browser.

I've got 21 tabs open. 5 of them have crashed, and I can't work out where the music is coming from.

It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now.

So quiet you can hear an email being deleted

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

Where is Elon Musk's car right now?

In the parking space.

I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Doctor said I have Good news and Bad News. I said I just want the good news right now.

He said I will have a heart disease named after me.

Apple is introducing robot dogs to the market soon. They're testing one in Mexico right now.

It's called the iChihuahua.

Everyone wants me to care about Russia and Ukraine right now. Boo-Hoo!

Crimea River

Why are sea shanties so popular right now?

They’re about current events.

I would make a joke about the government right now

But it probably wouldn’t accomplish anything

I'm so hungry right now I could boil a hyena!

But I'd only make myself a laughing stock.

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My panties are SO wet right now

Well, they would be, but I’m not wearing any.

Because I’m a man.

Look, what I’m trying to say is I pissed my pants.

Guys don't turn on the news right now

There are spoilers for season 1, Handmaid's Tale

Jokes about the coronavirus are everywhere right now

Looks like it’s gone viral

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So there are reports of UFO sightings and alien abductions in North America right now

They're only abducting people with large penises. YOU guys don't have anything to worry about but I just wanted to say the spaceship is super cool on the inside.

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

Australia's doing great right now

they are on fire....wait

This is a joke about the shirt you are wearing right now.

It probably went over your head, didn’t it?

To those that need to hear it right now...

… Early November is finally here. I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving...

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So I'm in an airplane right now and the pilot just made an announcement...

About safety and all that and when it was finished I guess he forgot to turn off the PA announcer. So not knowing that everyone on the plane can hear whatever he say on the PA system, he tells the co-pilot, "I can't wait to drink a cup of coffee and fuck one of these flight attendants."

One o...

Where is the hottest place to be right now?

The cemetery, people are dying to get in.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

Right now is a great time to go on a cruise

You buy one week and get two for free.

I smell so stupid right now.

I should’ve worn my Degree.

[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk...

but milk from male cows is coming!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The clitoris is all the rage right now.

It’s a real hot-button topic.

I’m absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

My life right now is like a Tarot deck

21 and a Fool

What do the living and the dead have in common right now?

6 feet of social distance

i know this year looks pretty bad right now

but thats just because hindsight is 2020

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

What’s Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?

De-composing

The situation I'm in right now is just like a pirate

On the one hand, I'm not sure if this is funny.

And other hand... Well... There isn't another hand...

I’m so excited right now!

I asked out my crush and she said yes!

Feeling like a cake right now

Baked.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" She screamed. "I'm so wet right now!"

She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

Who is the most popular band on earth right now?

Widespread Panic.

If you “don’t see color”, unfriend me right now.......

..... and go see an eye doctor.

Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..

\- "No, Baby, don't say 'Daddy,' it's 'Oom Pa-Pa'"

it's the month of Ramadan right now ...

and I'm having at least two dates every night

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How cold is the Midwest right now?

My dick just became an innie

I can't cook with spices right now...

...I just don't have the thyme.

I am feeling pretty good right now, that debate was a huge help.

I need to stop playing all these damn "When Trump Interrupts" Drinking Games.

If we stop testing right now, we'd have very few cases, if any

-POTUS on covid

State of the world right now!

Young People have Energy and Time...But No Money

Adults have Energy and Money...But No Time

Old People have Time and Money... But No Energy

I am seeing a horse right now

We've been dating for only a month, but I can say it's a stable relationship

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

Every bar in Houston right now..

..is a dive bar.

Why is it so hot in New Orleans right now?

There’s no Brees

What color is the sky in Florida right now?

Dorian gray

In Toronto it's snowing so hard right now that it's become pro-China ...

In other words, its a Blizzard.

Its 8:30am right now

I could have sworn it was 8:29am like a minute ago

What's the most popular game in Hawaii right now?

The floor is lava!

Want to know a job that isn't doing very well right now

Archeology it's in ruins!

I'll just apologise right now...

A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that, Mr Jones?"

"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."

"I shouldn't worry about that," replies t...

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

My watch can predict the future! — That's impossible! Can you prove it? — Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties. — You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

My finances are ok right now

0K* sorry

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Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

Who has the easiest job in the world right now?

Joan Rivers' embalmer.

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

I feel like the United Nations right now....

I say I’m doing work but I’m not.

I just learned about the nonstop construction on Big Ben right now

They really are working around the clock

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You gothic right now"

Too bad that person was Mike Tyson

It's amazing to me how much demand there is right now for custodial services!

Business is brooming!

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Why are incest videos so popular on PornHub right now?

Because West Virginia finally got internet access.

It’s so cold up North right now...

...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.

I would love to make a dad joke right now...

But I can’t go father than that.

The whole 'Chernobyl' topic is pretty hot right now.

Although I think it was a bit hotter in 1986.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im really pissed right now!

My dishwasher broke down today, something about it being overburdened? I don't care, she'll be getting the divorce papers tomorrow.

I have COVID right now, but you’ll never see me taking the vaccine. Here’s why:

Every single person that originally took the Small Pox vaccine in 1796 are dead now.

Should I go to the hospital right now?

Because I'm a heart surgeon, but I'm just not feeling it right now, you know?

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I will swallow a tangled up rope right now if you dare me

I shit you knot

I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now.....

after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

There are so many internet scams right now

Send me $19.99 and I will tell you how to avoid them all

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

Selling free air is hot right now!

It’s on the rise!

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

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