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Hermione Jokes

If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?

Hermitwo and Hermithree.

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

What did Hermione Granger say to her friend that mispronounced their order at an Indian restaurant?

It’s samOsa not samoSA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry says to Hermione: "Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?"

Hermione sarcastically responds: "I don't know Harry... Magic?"

Harry: "I folded it in half."

Microsoft has hired a new project manager: Hermione Granger...

She's in charge of spell-check.

Hermione doesn't receive her mail from Hograwrts

She grows older

Gets married

Has a son

And one day her son picks up a mail and reads it...

He rushes to Hermione and says

You are a Witch mother

and Hermione replies in shock

EMMA WAT SON???

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry potter and Hermione are talking

Harry: Hermione, im gay.

Hermione: Are you fucking kidding?

Harry: No im fucking sirius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Hermione deal with constipation?

EXPELLIANUS!

What did Hermione's boyfriend do when he heard she was pregnant?

He ron off.

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

Why won't you ever find Harry, Hermione or Ron crying in front of the rest of the school?

Cuz, they belong to the bravest house.
They don't cry publicly; they Grief-indoor.

Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?

Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hermione do when she was horny?

Cauldron

Harry the gecko

Harry the gecko is asked in school what he wants to be when he grows up.

Harry - "I want to be a witch."

Teacher gecko - "No, you cannot be a witch."

Harry - "Why not? Hermione gets to be a witch."

Teacher gecko - "Because your're a lizard Harry."

An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”

Why can't Emma Watson ever play Hermione Granger again?

'Cos once you go black, you never go back.

I'm excited visiting the Harry Potter world in universal studios until I saw a sign on one of the rides

You must be this tall to ride Hermione ....

The Gryffindor trio went for a roadtrip.

Halfway there, Harry realised him being the driver forgot to check the meter.

"What were you thinking?", Ron & Hermione exclaimed.

*"Expecto Petroleum?"*

What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon?

Thanks for the gold kind Granger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Lollies

Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione stop into Bertie Bott's shop one day. Bertie says, "I've been working on a new product called Every Flavour Lollies and I'm giving out free samples. And they have an extra surprise feature. Which flavour would you like to try?"

Ron gets a big smile and says, ...

Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission

Harry: Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission, and are looking for a second person, would you like to join us?

Hermione: Uhh... Do you mean a third person?

Harry: Ron is 3rd person, I is first person, you is second person

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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