Reminds of the time I was reincarnated,

I was never the same man after that.

Did you hear about the reincarnated Swede?

He was Bjorn again.

When I die I want to reincarnate as a spider.

That way all the girls can say, "Oh my god, it's huge!"

One of the Three Stooges was reincarnated as a popular rapper, but he couldn't hear very well.

Moe's deaf

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

What happened to the car that got recycled?

It was reincarnated.

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Reincarnation - My favorite joke of all time.

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

Ron Weasley lives a happy life and dies. But what does he reincarnate as?

A neuron

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Three men are standing before the gates of heaven

All three men were not really good or bad in life. So the angel at the gates offered for them to be reincarnated instead. But they could only go back as newborn animals. All three men accepted. Then they were told to run off the edge of a nearby cliff and say what they wanted to be reincarnated as a...

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider...

Just so I can finally hear a woman scream "OMG, IT'S SO HUGE!!!"

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

So I died and was reincarnated as a composer...

I'm Bach now.

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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I hope I'm not reincarnated as a doorknob in my next life...

Their lives are nothing but twists and turns.

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A Serbian, a Bosnian and a Montenegrin walked into a bar

They started talking about some random shit when the The bartender interrupted them and said; of each one of you would have to choose to be reincarnated as an animal, what would it be?

The Serbian said- - that's easy, a Bear. They are strong and fierce and respected.

The Bosanac said: ...

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be reincarnated as a stud?

He woke up on a snow tire in Michigan.

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"

"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."

"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
...

An extremely handsome man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar and begins small talk with a few girls. He's charismatic and the girls love him. He talks most of the night away. But after a while another man enters. This man is rather ugly. Perhaps even hideous. Like God got drunk and began just throwing mismatched facial features onto an...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

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3 people went to heaven

(My mom told me this one when I was little, pretty sure it might be from somewhere else but hopefully at least not on this sub.)

3 people went to heaven, in front of them was a god.
God says "each of you must run down this cloudy road and scream what you want to be reincarnated as for your...

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An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replie...

3 nuns die and go to heaven...

.. when they get there saint peter tells them he can grant them to be reincarnated as anyone they want for 6 months. The first nun walks up and said "I want to be a young and beautiful Brittany Spears" ((snap)) she disappeared.. the second nun walks up and says "I want to be Janet Jackson with lungs...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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A priest is about to die,

A fellow apprentice is with him, during his last days,



During the last moments the dying priest says "I will do everything in my power to get in contact with you once i'll be... there you know"



Quite surprised of this the apprentice nods and listens carefully to thi...

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A vegan came up to me...

And said that vegans were actually the reincarnated spirits of the animals who died horrific deaths at the hands of humans..
I immediately responded with
'Really? Fuck no wonder vegans are stupid'

A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

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A man wakes up and finds himself in a dark place.

Suddenly, the lights turn on. Closing his eyes because of the dazzling light, he then hears a voice:

-John, you were dead while sleeping and reincarnated into a duck. Now your job is to lay eggs...

Terrified, John tries to call for help but the only sounds escaping his mouth are "quack...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is asked in an interview...

If you could be reincarnated as any famous musician in history, Who would it be.

He replies "I'll be Bach."

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An Irishman comes home piss drunk

He climbs into bed next to his wife who is deep asleep, and closes his eyes. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a barn filled with animals and that he had become a chicken.
He starts freaking out and the hen next to him tells him to relax, that he's died in his sleep, and that he has been r...

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Doug comes home very drunk one night...

He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell y...

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I think it's kinda funny people named their kids after US states…

Y'know, names like Carolina, Georgia, Dakota, Virginia, etc. When I have a kid, I'm gonna name him Michigan, just in case some guy named Mitch reincarnates into him.

A hindu murderer was diagnosed with cancer

He had murdered 7 children and knew he was going to be reincarnated as a moth due to bad karma.

So he reposted old jokes on reddit

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When you're old its OK...

A drunken man was dreaming that he had died and was reincarnated on Earth as a chicken. He started to feel heavy so he tried to lay an egg. He pushed and pushed then pop he laid his first egg then his second. He was just pushing out his 3rd when his wife yelled "James your shitting the bed".

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