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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HAR...

A couple had been married for 35 years,

the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic ...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

There's this bartender . . .

It's the wild west and a bartender is behind the bar, polishing glasses and going about his normal day's work. Suddenly, a man bust through the saloon doors and yells, "y'all gotta get out of here! Big Bad Barts comin!"

Half of the patrons rush out the front, while the other half runs to the...

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

A poem

In days of old

When Knights were bold

And toilet lights were dim

You'd hear a splash and then a shout

'Oh no! He's fallen in'

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

Ever since I turned 30 I started making bold decisions.

I really miss my hair.

Roses Are Red, I call it bold and brash

Even though I think its art

It belongs in the trash

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

A rather bold robber...

Broke into the local police department and stole all of their toilets.
Cops report that they have nothing to go on.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

I made a bold move today.

**Move**

If fortune favors the bold..

How come I was arrested for streaking?

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

From one kind to another

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"We don't serve STRINGS here," the bartender sneers. "Get out!"

Dejected, the string leaves and walks to the corner. Then - he gets an idea! He twists around, fluffs his hair, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks up, na...

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Charles de Gaulle's wife,...

Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.

She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A penis". A startled hush fell over the table un...

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

After observing that the employees are leaving the tap running and wasting water...

Just above the sink, the boss put a sign up in big bold letters 'THINK'

Next day, hoping that it would've gotten the message across, the boss heads straight to the same area to find the water still running and just above the soap dispenser, someone had put a new sign up in the same big bold l...

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

What time is it?

After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.

A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM...

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colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:



1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3....

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

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A guy walks into a bar

He is drinking, minding his own business, when he sees a huge jar with a bunch of cash in it behind the bar. He asks the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, oh that's for anyone that can complete 3 things that are hard to do. The guy is now pretty drunk, feeling bold, and asks what the...

In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose....

A rich man notices four homeless men on his large estate

He walks over to them and tells them they're gonna have to clear off

One of the homeless men step up and boldly asks: "Where did you get this estate?"

The rich man, slightly taken aback replies: "Well I got it from my father"

"And where did he get it?"

"From his father"...

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

I was attending a ceremony at a graphite convention, with multiple speakers. To my surprise, I was invited to give a speech of my own.

I took the microphone from one of the speakers. Oozing confidence, I shouted, “8B.”



The crowd erupted in applause. I handed the microphone back to the speaker and they told me,


“That was very bold of you to say.”

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"



The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"



"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it ...

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

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Jack Shitt: This Is His Story

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU: "You don't know Jack Shitt"

\[Now you'll know the entire story!\]

**Jack Shitt** is the only son of **O. Shitt** and **Awe Shitt**. O.Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Shitt, who later ran *the Kneedeep Inn-Shitt*. Jack Shitt eventually married **Noe...

The doctor called me into his office today looking unsettled.

I asked the doctor why he looked so dismayed. He looked at me and said “I have bad news and worse news”. I boldly looked him in the eyes and told him to inform me of the issue. The doctor replied “You have 29 hours to live”. To which I uncomfortably asked what the worse news was. The doctor replied ...

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...

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I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechl...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

The Rope-a-dope.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them up and down, and asks: "You two aren't pieces of string, are ya?"

To which they both reply: "Why, yes, we are!"

And the bartender turns a bright shade of red and yells: "WE DON'T SERVE YOUR FILTHY KIND HERE!"

...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

My neighbor accused me of stalking her.

If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf.

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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The White Knight and the Black Knight.

Note, this story was from Gigi Proietti, an Italian comedian who's from Rome, and I must say it loses a lot without the Roman accent and slang, but I'll try my best :D

The White Knight and the Black Knight.

So once there was this teacher, really passionate about his job, who always wan...

A Scotsman went a walking

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the ...

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On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.


At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?



Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed.....

.........when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"


WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"


HUSBAND: "Of course I do."


WIFE: "The...

A man is standing on a busy street corner with a placard over his chest for the local McDonald’s.

On the front, in big bold letters, are the words Free Big Mac. A homeless man stumbles over and asks the man, “What is Mac serving time for?”

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