UPJOKE
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Pube Jokes

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Pubes & Noodles

A man eating noodles in a restaurant calls the waiter and say "There is a pube in my noodles. I am leaving and not paying for this". The restaurant owner is pissed and asks the waiter to chase the client.

The waiter follows the man who is heading to a brothel. He eventually finds him nose dee...

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

I found my first grey pube today...

Usually I wouldn't mind, but it was in my greggs pasty.

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

Your pubes are a lot like the ocean

If you explore enough, you'll find crabs

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

When I got my first pube, I left it under my pillow and waited for the pube fairy.

And he came.

All over my pillow.

Why did God make pubes curly?

To reduce the risk of eye injuries

My Girlfriend decided to braid here pubes...

It was a plait-a-puss.

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

Ever since quarantine, my pubes have gotten really long,

But think about all the money I've saved on dental floss.

Don't shave your pubes to sing better

Hairy style will help you.

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My name is William and I trim men's pubes for a living...

...They call me Groundskeeper Willy

What's got 10,000 legs and three pubes?

A Taylor Swift concert.

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After NNN, I decided to first shave my pubes and then masturbate.

I was done beating around the bush.

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What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble.

What do cale and pubes have in common?

You move both of them to the side and keep eating.

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What do you call a female police officer with short pubes?

CuntStubble

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My friend never shaves his pubes, so he doesn't like talking about masturbation.

He just beats around the bush

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I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

What do you call a Roman guy with pubes in his mouth?

Gladiator

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I am Pierre, French fighter pilot!!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's...

They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He said "screw" lolol

Manscape

I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban

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While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex

Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth.

He said no..there's shit on your nose

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

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What a beach!

A flea is lying on the beach, getting some sun and relaxation when he sees another flea approaching. This second flea is ragged, worn out looking and seems very exhausted.
The first flea, curious, asks the second flea what his problems were?
The second flea replies “I’ve hopped from th...

I've been in quarantine for so long

That I'm using shampoo on my pubes.

And hand sanitizer on everything else.

Smells Good

My GF gave me a beard oil that feels good an smells great. More important, she gets very turned on by the aroma. Our make out sessions are amazing.

If it works so well for kissing, I wondered what would happen if I oiled my pubes?

So I oiled up and went to visit her. Told her I had a s...

Found in the comments to the picture of a nice looking girl

He: "Could you please send me one of your pubes for me to clone?"
She: "You know how to clone people?"
He: "People?! God no! Just pubes."

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A bad joke

A guy finds a genie and says his wish is to fuck a goddess in a golden garden. He gets it, has some awkward sex in a lush garden with golden plants and teleports back to the genie. He then realised his mistake and asks the samething as a second wish. This time, before the goddess appears, he starts ...

Me, asking a ginger: “Do you read?” The ginger responds, “Why, yes I do!” Me:

“Have you read Pubes?”

What lives in Rubik's pants? [nsfw]

Rubik's Pubes.

Determination. Precision. Focus. Accuracy.

All attributes I have while shaving my pubes that I should really put into other aspects of my life.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

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Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

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My girlfriend said I was stupid for taking unnecessary risks.

At least I think that's what she said. I was too busy trimming my pubes with a chainaw at the time.

It's just a monkey.

When an adolescent girl starts growing pubes, she asks her mother about what's going on with her. The mother replies "it's just a monkey who is starting to grow hair". Later at the dinner table, she tells her older sister that her monkey had started growing hair. The sister replies "Mine even starte...

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The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting.

It's like she's never seen a man trimming his pubes before!

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My uncle invented this one today.

What is the best part of a dog eating peanut butter?



He has no hands to pick the pubes out.

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A man and go bird

A man was sun bathing nude on a beach when a little girl walks by and asks what’s that between your legs, the man answers that’s my bird, and what are those the girl asks pointing at the mans balls, to that he answers those are the birds eggs, she the points to his pubes and says what is that then, ...

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

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A man walks into a sex doctor's office… (Possibly NSFW)

And the doctor asks what is the man's problem.

"Well doc, before we get started, you need to know that I have a small penis…"

"Sir," interrupted the doctor, "I am a professional. I have seen more penises than you could possibly imagine: big ones, small ones, cut ones, uncut ones, ones ...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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