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Pounced Jokes

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

I was about to walk into a bar when, suddenly, a blonde, a chicken, and a Rabbi pounced.

Looks like the joke's on me.

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo

Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat.

So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the g...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

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A rooster and cat got into a fight...

...on a bridge. The cat pounced and the rooster ducked resulting in her falling into the river. The rooster rushed to save the cat. Why?

Because a cock loves a wet pussy.

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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida...

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir." she said "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like g...

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

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[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

A mime performed at a zoo.

The hours were flexible, and people paid him to act. He figured it was a good gig, so he went along with it. He did it for weeks and weeks, until one day the manager pull him inside. The mime was a bit worried, but he shrugged it off. The manager, looking panicked, said that, recently, the zoo's gre...

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Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

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A man visits a brothel

A man—a salesman to be exact—is driving along an old two lane highway. It’s the worst part of his territory, as it takes him far from home for days on end.

He misses his wife, his tv, his wife, his la-z-boy, and most of all...his wife.

His mind starts to wander as he thinks of his wi...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.

It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickl...

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