“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

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What happens when you try to pull out a tooth using the "string and doorknob trick" or a pair of pliers?

You get fired from your job as a dentist.

Expensive dentist

One day, a man walked into a dentist's office and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.

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"80$," said the dentist.

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"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

​

"Well," the dent...

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

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So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.

The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.

Now it's a friday nig...

Two English men and an Irish man are in a bar.

The first English man says "I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician, I found a pair of pliers under our bed."

The second English man says "My wife is cheating on me with a plumber, I found a pipe under our bed."

The Irish man looks at both English men and says "Well my wi...

A mathematician and an engineer got a task:

They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank.

The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out.

The mathematician after some thought said:

"The ...

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2 of Them

A bloke is pottering about in his garage,changing his fan belt on his car,when little Johnny from next door walks in and say's "do ya mind if I watch ya Mr?"

"No not at all" replies the bloke and gets a spanner from his toolbox.

Little Johnny say's "My dad's got 2 of them ya know!"
...

A man walks into...

a bar, and immediately walks up to the bar. He notices a large jar of cash placed on the bar that is oozing 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it is for. To which the bartender replies; "It is the challenge jar. If you're feelin' froggy you can place a 20 in there, and I'll give you three c...

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A man is lost in the forest and stumbles upon a hotel.

Tired, lost and hungry; a John has been wandering through the woods for what has felt like days. He stumbles upon a strange house and feels a deep sense of relief as he notices a light is on.

He knocks and a peculiar looking old man opens the door.

"Please. Please. I am lost and hungry...

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Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks. Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".

He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and gadgets of pleasure. Dildos ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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Loose tooth

A man walks into a bar and has a seat at the bar. As he begins to drink he notices a jar full of money sitting on the bar.

"What's up with the jar?" he asks the bartender.

"That sir is a bet. You pay me 10 dollars. If you can complete three tasks you win the whole jar."

"So wh...

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A man walks into a bar...

...And sees a jar full of $10 bills on the counter. "What's that for?" he asks the bartender. The guy behind the counter replies: "We have a contest going on, to take part you gotta drop $10 in the jar. You then drink a shot of tequila, and go outside in the back. There's a huge Rottweiler with a ro...

What do you call two Filipino pilots?

A pair of pliers

Three men are talking about their wives...

There are three men sat around a table in a bar.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can...