How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make ...

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

Two Philosophers and a YouTuber Meet in the Dead of Night to Discuss their Darkest Secrets

They begin by releasing their darkest secrets in exchange for more secrets. After each of them let out their darkest secrets, the YouTuber asks for a break.

The philosophers tell him that he can take a break, so the YouTuber wanders off while the philosophers remain at the table. With just th...

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

Who's a Weeb's favorite philosopher?

Sakura Tease

A philosopher saw a pimp having a sale on some of his hoes

The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.

What is the difference between a philosopher and a dentist?

A dentist helps you solve *molar* dilemmas

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

Two nudist philosophers are sitting by the pool and one says, "Have you read Marx?

The other replies, "Yes, I believe it's from the cane chairs."

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher,

however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

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philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even loud...

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

What do you call a philosopher who just saw slices of meat?

I think there four slice ham

How did the philosopher commit suicide?

He jumped in front of a train of thought.

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A Philosopher once said...

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They Kant

An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...

The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

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Philosophers only want one thing

And it’s fucking discussing.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Imagine studying all of your life to become a philosopher

When you can just look up the definition of a word

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

What's a philosopher's favorite sports attire?

soccer tees.

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

What do you call a philosopher that can fight?

Kung fucious

Why doesn’t the philosopher like to do archery?

Because he Kant hit the Marx.

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

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Why did the philosopher have a pornstar with him in the shower?

So he could have 2 shower thots at once!

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

Have you met the shower philosopher?

He was always a loufah.

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

How do you get a philosopher off of your porch?

Pay for the pizza! (Hey Kendall!)

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

It's a question I've often asked myself.

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

What do you call a fuzzy philosopher?

BEARistotle





I'm so sorry

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

Did you hear about the philosopher who was trampled?

It was a tragic example of putting Descartes before the horse.

Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

What did one philosopher say to the other philosopher?

"Someone might make a joke about this moment."

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

Edit:
completely possible my Dad heard it somewhere else, or perhaps it came to him originally like the many other examples posted. Gotta trust yo pops tho.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, that's a good question.

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don’t get transcendental plans.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease

Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

What did the monk say to the philosopher supermodel?

"Begone thought."

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A philosopher, an electrician and a redneck walk into a bar

And they started arguing what was the fastest thing ever:

- From my point of view - says the philosopher - it's the thought, it has gone through your mind before you even notice it!

- Well - Says the electrician - to me, it's electricity, the moment you turn the lights on, they're on! ...

What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?

It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".

A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....

......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.

The philosopher says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half full....

The sjw says the glass is half-fluid.

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Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes.

The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind.

The priest says:

- I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel!

The philosopher says:

- When you think about it, the diffic...

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.

Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goe...

How did I become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer

What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?

A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.

My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher.

Such a deep sinker.

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

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