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Sceptic Jokes

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

How do sceptics introduce themselves?

"I don't believe we've met..."

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

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Today, my therapist told me I'd be overly sceptical.

You didn't expect me to believe him, right?

My friend told me to visit the chiropractor and I was sceptical at first...

...but now I stand corrected.

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A ghost inspector attended our house. My wife and I were sceptical.

We wandered through the dark when suddenly he told us all to stop and stand still. "Is everyone still there?" he asked.

My wife said, "Yes."

I said, "Yes."

Then there was a pause. "Are you there?" I asked the ghost inspector.

No reply.

"Oh my god," I said. "Quick, ...

Some people are sceptical of migrants because they think they don't embrace their new country's culture

But I teach calculus to international students at my local university, and they all integrate really well.

Jesus stands in front of 40 men and one of his more sceptical disciples.

He says to his disciple “these men are hungry” and prays to god for a miracle before handing out a basket of bread and fish.

To Jesus’ surprise, the basket returns seemingly untouched and in joy says to his disciple “do you see! Good has blessed this food and allowed it to feed more mouths t...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

A blonde wants to prove to people that she’s not just a dumb blonde.

So she asks her friend, "How could I show people I'm smart?"

Her friend says, "Well- you could start by learning all the provinces and their capitals."

The blonde spends the whole week learning them. It’s hard, but she knows it will be worth it when people see how smart she is.
...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

Why did the NPC blow himself up?

He was sceptical, hence he wanted to C4 himself

What do you call a sewer that keeps questioning everything.

A sceptic sewer.

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

My friend knows everyone...

Dave was bragging to his boss one day:
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

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Hotel.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel:

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir." The clerk told him apologetically. "But down the hall from your room is a vendi...

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Mike got pulled over

Mike gets pulled over at about 11pm on his way home from dinner at his mother, the police office comes over and Mike rolls down the window

PO: do you know why I pulled you over?

Mike: no officer, why did you pull me over?

PO: I think you're drunk!

Mike: I assure you offic...

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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school.

His father asks him what they were talking about. "Exodus" he answers. "Oh, and what did you learn?" inquires father. "Well, you see Moses was leading his people out of Egypt and they came to the Red Sea. To get across Moses picks up his radio and calls for engineers. They quickly build pontoon brid...

What’s the opposite of rose tinted glasses?

Scepticals

A woman walks into a pet shop

She sees a beautiful parrot, and asks the shop keeper if he says any words. The shop keeper says, "If you hold a match under his left foot he sings Highway to hell."

The lady is sceptical at first, but she tries it and the parrot sings Highway to hell. Amazed, she asks the shop keeper what e...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

billy joe redneck has 10 kids...

so he decides its time for a vasectomy. he goes to the doctor who explains the procedure and the cost. billy joe asks if theres a cheaper way to handle this... the doc says "aren't you billy joe the redneck? heres what you need to do, drink a six pack, but in the last can light a cherry bomb, drop i...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour".

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

...

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

Two guys want to go out drinking.

They both have no money, but only 50 Cent.
"No worries" said the first guy "I have an idea, how we can drink the whole night anyway. Let's go to the butcher and buy a sausage for 50 Cent. I put it in my pants. We go to a bar and after finishing our drinks, you go on your knees, open my pants and ...

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A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The ass...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...

A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly scept...

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A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They w...

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A chicken farmer buys a new rooster. . .

And he's assured by his friend who sold it to him that he's the perfect breeder.
Feeling a little sceptical, the farmer still takes the rooster back to his farm. No sooner then putting the rooster is let out of his box then it runs into the barn and starts having sex with every hen it can find....

A hobo got robbed

A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.

"I want to report a robbery! al...

To my dearest wife...

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon.

In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked.

The wife says to the husband, "don't worry, you catch this flight and I...

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A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing, so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.

When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing he...

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A woman walks past a pet shop...

A fairly young widow is walking past a pet shop and she pauses to admire the puppies in the window. As she looks inside, she sees a frog for sale, for £1000. She decides to go in and enquire as to why the frog is so expensive.

The pet shop owner says "this frog is a master of oral sex, which ...

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A woman goes to a pet shop.

She's looking for a present for her husband. Unfortunately, she's on a budget, but the clerk has an idea:
"For $ 20, I can give you something very special" and presents here a frog.

"What's so special about it?" the woman asks.

The clerk says: "Well, this frog is very special, becau...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

Two Mexicans were walking in the desert...

Two Mexicans, Juan and José were walking in the desert on a very hot day. It was a long journey and they were both dehydrated.

Suddenly José became quite animated and shouted: 'Juan, Juan look! On the hill over there, it is a bacon tree!'

Sceptically Juan had a look, and said: 'José, y...

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

Johnny and Tina were sitting in sunday school..

When Tina started to fall asleep in the front row. The nun sees this and calls out "Tina! Who created our earth world and hears our prayers?" Johnny quickly poked Tina in the back with a ruler and she sprung up and yelled "OH MY GOD!" The nun gave a suprised look and said "oh... I guess you were pay...

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A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was scepti...

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An octopus walks into a bar...

Claiming that he can teach himself to play any instrument in a matter of minutes. The bar's patrons are sceptical and decide to test his boasted ability. First, they present him with a cello, to their astonishment he plays with ease. Next, he is provided a saxophone which also fails to present a cha...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

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A man is suffering from restless leg syndrome

After countless unsuccessful medical treatments he becomes discouraged thinking he will never be able to enjoy a good night's sleep due to the overwhelming tingling sensations he experiences through his legs at night.

Having exhausted every other option, he decides to try his luck with a wit...

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A man and his penis.

A man had a problem with his penis since birth. It was related to the size, but unlike many humans who feel they are too small, his was far too large! 25 inches to be precise. Constantly he would have women run screaming from his bedchamber. So one day he decided he'd had enough of this, and went on...

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