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Pence Jokes

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate

at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

The fly remained undecided during the debate.

He was..

On the Pence

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson.

Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You'...

Trump and Pence are on Air Force One.

Trump says "You know, I bet if I threw this $100 bill out the door I could make one person very happy".

Pence says "I bet if I threw these two $50 bills out the door I could make two people really happy".

The copilot looks at the pilot and says "I bet if I threw the both of them out t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Mike Pence sing Christmas songs?

It might make the Yuletide gay.

Trump is walking down the street with his buddy, Mike Pence...

They're enjoying a little stroll about Parliment when they see a kid smoking a cigarette.

Trump, apalled, asks the boy what grade he's in.

"Two," replied the boy.

Trump starts berating the boy about how he shouldn't be smoking at such a young age, when Pence grabs him by the sho...

Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

Clinton and Pence

You know both sides of the aisle are more alike then you think. Both Clinton and Pence had issues with their flies...

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: “We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we’d have less cases.”

Pence: “Fewer.”

Trump: “Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.”

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

Mike Pence could never play Among Us

There’s too much sus Pence for him

If that fly laid eggs in Pence’s hair

...He damn well better carry them to full term!

Mike Pence has postponed a scheduled campaign stop in Indiana

In other words he changed his schedule on the fly.

Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?

Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.

Trump: What do you mean?

Oba...

The debate really changed my view on Mike Pence...

Pretty fly, for a white guy

Trump, Pence, and Paul Ryan and traveling together

President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan are traveling together in a presidential convoy. A tornado comes along, sweeps up their vehicle and launches them hundreds of yards away.


When they regain consciousness they realize they've been transported to the m...

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...

Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".

Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".

The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country h...

If Trump succumbs, the first phone call President Pence receives...

...should be from the Mexican government offering to pay for his gravestone.

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and William Barr are in a plane crash. Who is saved?





The American People

Kamala’s Hair is already more accomplished than Mike Pence.

It’s proven that straightening programs work

Mike Pence walks into a bar with a fly on his head.

The bartender says, “Hey you, you can’t come in here with that attached to you, it spreads disease and I run a clean establishment.”

The fly says, “I’m so sorry, but it’s stuck to my feet.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"

Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."

The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"

Trump smiles at the waitress a...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane that was halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on their way to America. Suddenly, the plane began to start shaking violently.

A voice on the intercom said, "We lost an engine! Going Down! Passengers take a pa...

Donald trump, the pope, Mike Pence, and a third grader are all on a plane about to crash with only 3 parachutes.

Mike Pence grabs a parachute and says “My life matters because I am the Vice President of the United States, and that is too important of a position to be given to anyone other than me” before jumping out of the plane.

Donald Trump grabs a bag and says “My life matters because I am the smarte...

What did God say to Mike Pence in 2020?

Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor’s wife.

Trump and Pence go hunting.

As they're walking through the woods, they see an elk foraging on leaves.

"Hey look, an elk" says Pence.

"Fake moose" says Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump and Pence

Trump and Pence are sitting in a bar...

A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, 'Hey, ain't that Trump and Pence sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

T...

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy: "Mr. Pence, would you be shocked if I was gay?"

Pence: "No, but you would."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump and Pence are so homophobic ...

... they couldn't get a mandate.

HAHAHA! A lot of people are going to die in the next 4 years.

What do you call 25 Mike Pence clones in a room with Donald Trump?

... Quarter pounder with cheese.

(Think British currency here)

A Washington hooker gets a tattoo of Mike Pence on one inner thigh and one of Bill Barr on the other ...

Then when she gets a customer, she says, "If you can name both of them, I'll give you one for free."

Customer replies, "Hmm, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is Mitch McConnell."

Why did Trump choose Mike Pence as Vice President?

To make sure that no one would assassinate him.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…

After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence go to breakfast

... With the restaurant cleared out by Secret Service, it's only the two men and the waitstaff. A waitress comes up to Trump and says "what can I get for you Mr. President?" Donald Trump looks at the menu and says "you know, I would really like a quickie."

The waitress is upset, berates the p...

Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

A buzzfeed journalist whispers something to Mike Pence at a press conference

...what happens next will shock you.

And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”

God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.

John: Trumpets, got it.

God: No... ah, forget it.

Pence warns North Korea that the "era of strategic patience is over."

He continued, "Now we enter the era of strategically sending North Korea to its room without the new WiFi password."

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pence made sure he was well dressed for the debate. His tie was adjusted, his collar was fixed, his buttons were buttoned, and most importantly...

His fly wasn't down

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop...

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some cyanide.

"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.

"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

(Original) What do you call it when Trump and Mike Pence go to the movies together?

A government mandate

Trump and Pence are laughing amongst themselves at a White House dinner...

A senator is watching them from a few tables away and wonders what they keep laughing about.

Later, he approaches them and asks, "I've been watching you guys for a while now and you keep laughing amongst yourselves. What could be so funny?"

Trump replies, "We're going to start World Wa...

Dave walks into a bar and sees President Donald Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence at a table, deep in discussion.

He doesn’t want to interrupt, but they see him, invite him over and they soon get to talking.

“We’re on track to bomb the Middle East,” excitedly claims the President. “We’re going to reduce those towelheads to a shadow of their former numbers. We’re going to kill 3 million Syrians, 4 millio...

Do you know that John Hammond killed all of the previous vice-president’s former wives?

He spared no ex-Pence

The Trump administration must be freaking out

Oh, to be a fly on Pence right now.

So it turns out Mike Pence used a private email server. When questioned he denied, saying he doesn't even use email.

Alternative Fax

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw Donald Trump in a bar

I walked up to him and saw he was with Mike Pence. I asked him what he’s doing and he says “We are plotting how to start WW3.”
I say “how would you do it?”
He says “kill 2000 Muslims and a sexy blonde girl!”
I said “why would you kill a sexy blonde girl?!”
He turns to Pence and says “I t...

This one only works if you speak the conversation...

Pence and Trump are talking about immigration:

Trump:. And, see, with this giant wall, we'll have less of those nasty immigrants.

Pence:. Fewer.

Trump: shh, it's a bit too soon for that.

Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

Dennis lives in Washington DC, and is working as a dental assistant while he gets his degree in chemical engineering...

... He plays tennis every week with his professor, but is always playing pranks and getting into trouble during their matches.

One fine day in late April, after their weekly tennis match, Dennis and his professor are walking past the White House when they see through the raggedy old fence tha...

What has two legs and flies?

Mike Pence!

If the VP were to get COVID-19...

...I would sing a song of sick pence.

A Jewish boy asks his Father...

A Jewish boy asks his Father, "Dad, can i have 50 pence please?

His Father replies, "40 pence! What do you want 30 pence for?"

Donald Trump's lawyer walks into a bar…

... And sits down next to Trump.

He says, "I'm sorry but I can't really help you. You're looking at life in prison for treason."


Frustrated, Trump pays the bartender and storms out. On his way out he accidentally bumps into Mike Pence.


He says to Pence, "Pardon me."

This election is crazy.

One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now

I would have a pence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After writing Revelations, John ask God...

"Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
"*No, by Trump/Pence.*"
"Right, so trumpets."
"*Fuck it, they'll figure it out.*"

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".

A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse new...

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