UPJOKE
chris matthewsindianalgbtgreg pencehanover collegemitch danielsdemocratic partyronald reagannewt gingrichhivindiana senateschool vouchercharter schooleric holcombjerome adams

Mike Pence Jokes

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and William Barr are in a plane crash. Who is saved?





The American People

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You'...

So Donald Trump was discussing domestic policy with Mike Pence

Donald Trump- *The more walls we build, the less Mexicans will come here.*

Mike Pence- *The “fewer.”*

Donald Trump- *I thought we agreed to not call me that in public yet.*

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: “We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we’d have less cases.”

Pence: “Fewer.”

Trump: “Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.”

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

Mike Pence could never play Among Us

There’s too much sus Pence for him

Mike Pence has postponed a scheduled campaign stop in Indiana

In other words he changed his schedule on the fly.

The debate really changed my view on Mike Pence...

Pretty fly, for a white guy

Why did Trump choose Mike Pence as Vice President?

To make sure that no one would assassinate him.

A Washington hooker gets a tattoo of Mike Pence on one inner thigh and one of Bill Barr on the other ...

Then when she gets a customer, she says, "If you can name both of them, I'll give you one for free."

Customer replies, "Hmm, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is Mitch McConnell."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Mike Pence sing Christmas songs?

It might make the Yuletide gay.

What did God say to Mike Pence in 2020?

Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor’s wife.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...

Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".

Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".

The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country h...

Kamala’s Hair is already more accomplished than Mike Pence.

It’s proven that straightening programs work

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

Mike Pence is Emperor Palpatine

Both are old men, heads of the Senate, and like to shock people.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…

After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11

Mike Pence walks into a bar with a fly on his head.

The bartender says, “Hey you, you can’t come in here with that attached to you, it spreads disease and I run a clean establishment.”

The fly says, “I’m so sorry, but it’s stuck to my feet.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

What do you call 25 Mike Pence clones in a room with Donald Trump?

... Quarter pounder with cheese.

(Think British currency here)

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

Who is Mike Pence's favorite comic book character?

Electro

Donald trump, the pope, Mike Pence, and a third grader are all on a plane about to crash with only 3 parachutes.

Mike Pence grabs a parachute and says “My life matters because I am the Vice President of the United States, and that is too important of a position to be given to anyone other than me” before jumping out of the plane.

Donald Trump grabs a bag and says “My life matters because I am the smarte...

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence go to breakfast

... With the restaurant cleared out by Secret Service, it's only the two men and the waitstaff. A waitress comes up to Trump and says "what can I get for you Mr. President?" Donald Trump looks at the menu and says "you know, I would really like a quickie."

The waitress is upset, berates the p...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane that was halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on their way to America. Suddenly, the plane began to start shaking violently.

A voice on the intercom said, "We lost an engine! Going Down! Passengers take a pa...

A buzzfeed journalist whispers something to Mike Pence at a press conference

...what happens next will shock you.

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem

he's already on his knees for Trump

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

How do we know Mike Pence isn't just using Donald Trump as a puppet to run the country?

He doesn't believe in putting his hand up another man's ass

A reporter tries to interview Trump at the White House.

She knocks on the door, and there's no response. Again, she knocks on the door, and she hears Trump reply, "I'm not here!"

She laughs and says, "You idiot, I can tell you're there! I know that's you!"

Trump opens the door and groans. He sighs, "If Mike Pence said I wasn't here, you'd h...

Trump is walking down the street with his buddy, Mike Pence...

They're enjoying a little stroll about Parliment when they see a kid smoking a cigarette.

Trump, apalled, asks the boy what grade he's in.

"Two," replied the boy.

Trump starts berating the boy about how he shouldn't be smoking at such a young age, when Pence grabs him by the sho...

Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

So it turns out Mike Pence used a private email server. When questioned he denied, saying he doesn't even use email.

Alternative Fax

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

(Original) What do you call it when Trump and Mike Pence go to the movies together?

A government mandate

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

What has two legs and flies?

Mike Pence!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw Donald Trump in a bar

I walked up to him and saw he was with Mike Pence. I asked him what he’s doing and he says “We are plotting how to start WW3.”
I say “how would you do it?”
He says “kill 2000 Muslims and a sexy blonde girl!”
I said “why would you kill a sexy blonde girl?!”
He turns to Pence and says “I t...

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

Dave walks into a bar and sees President Donald Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence at a table, deep in discussion.

He doesn’t want to interrupt, but they see him, invite him over and they soon get to talking.

“We’re on track to bomb the Middle East,” excitedly claims the President. “We’re going to reduce those towelheads to a shadow of their former numbers. We’re going to kill 3 million Syrians, 4 millio...

Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".

A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse new...

Disillusioned with the Republican Party, Donald Trump gets inspired...

Disillusioned with the Republican party, Trump wakes up one day with an idea. Summoning Mike Pence to his office, he lays out his vision.

"Mike, the Republican Party is a relic of the past. We need to start fresh with a brand new party of loyal Americans."

"That's brilliant sir, but wh...

National Jewish book day.

Today is national Jewish book day.

Interestingly, that's what Mike Pence calls the first half of the Bible.

Long Range Sniper Rifle: $5,000. Hiring an assassin: $10,000.

Having Mike Pence assassinated? Viceless.

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

Donald Trump's lawyer walks into a bar…

... And sits down next to Trump.

He says, "I'm sorry but I can't really help you. You're looking at life in prison for treason."


Frustrated, Trump pays the bartender and storms out. On his way out he accidentally bumps into Mike Pence.


He says to Pence, "Pardon me."

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

Jokes

Im new to reddit. Sorry if repost

After DC's first snow, Trump sees yellow writing in the rose garden saying "trumpy sucks". Outraged he calls for a full investigation. Within 24 hours, the head of the FBI reports, "We have good news and bad. DNA proves the urine belongs to Mike Pence. U...

President Trump decided to play Mario Kart with his cabinet

He thought that this would be be a good bonding exercise with his staff so he bought a Wii and ordered his whole office to come into the oval office

Once everyone arrived there was a huge argument on who would play as what character, because everyone wanted to be Mario. Trump decided that thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One winter day, Donald Trump looks out his window...

and notices a large yellow scribble imprinted on the snow that has covered the White House lawn. He was horrified to see that it was in fact a message that read, "Trump is an arse".

Trump immediately ordered his Secret Service agents to investigate this; within a few hours, they reported to h...

One snowy day, Donald Trump is leaving the White House.

He notices that in a nearby snowbank, someone has urinated a message into the snow: "DIE DONALD!" He grabs his head of security and says, "I demand to know who's responsible for this! Get the Secret Service on it immediately!"

A week later, the security chief enters the Oval Office. "Sir,"...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.