Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...
I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!
A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"
The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...
A Cannibal and an Arsonist open up a restaurant together.
They call it Hot Singles Near You.
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
Snoop Dogg should open up a Vietnamese-German fusion restaurant
and call it Pho Schnitzel
My dentist told me to “open up”
So I told him that I often have trouble putting peoples words into context. My dentist said “I can tell”
FBI: OPEN UP!
Me: *starts crying* it’s just so hard you know!?
What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"
Noah.
A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop
When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!
One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."
Dentist: open up
Me: well it all started when my dad left
Dentist: no I meant..
Dentist assistant: Wait Ali let him finish
Dentist: Open up please.
Me: sometimes I get sad...
My dentist was cleaning my teeth and told me to open up more.
I told him I hadn’t seen my father in three years.
Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store
I’ll call it glazed and confused
A man decides to open up a business...
Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"
"This is the police! Open up!"
"We didn't call the police, we called for hookers!"
"Your neighbors called us!"
"If they called you, then let them f*** you!"
How much space will open up when Great Britain leaves the EU?
1 GB.
I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.
I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.
Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.
People will be lined up for blocks.
Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.
Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"
I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.
But it never took off.
Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...
One day, some friars open up a flower shop
Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...
She told him to open up to her, so he wore his heart upon his sleeve.
He was dead within 2 minutes.
Told my wife I want to open up a barber shop and she said
Cut it out
I want to open up a discount book store
I’ll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less
Remember these two words. They will open up the doors in your life.
Push and pull
Teacher: "All right class, open up to page 26."
Me: *flips to page 26* "I don't even know... I just feel like my mom will never be proud of me."
I want to open up a toupée shop.
So when someone questions themselves about buying one, I can say, "toupée or not toupée? That is the question."
A group of Catholic sisters want to open up a flower shoppe...
...it’s going to be called “Nuns N’ Roses”.
Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon...
Let them do it for you. It's their job.
What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?
Aww shucks
A man opens up a zoo...
One day a man decides to quit his job and open up a zoo. He first needs to get animals for the zoo, so he buys 100 Mina birds. He then decides he needs some aquatic attractions, so he buys some porpoises from a shady man. The man tells him that if he does not feed the porpoises by 12 midnight, they ...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."
"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."
"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...
I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.
It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.
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