A Cannibal and an Arsonist open up a restaurant together.

They call it Hot Singles Near You.

I hate it when you open up to people and they leave

I told my psychiatrist that I'm having hallucinations and he just vanished.

My dentist was cleaning my teeth and told me to open up more.

I told him I hadn’t seen my father in three years.

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

My dentist told me to open up

I told him I often have trouble putting people's words into context.

He said he can tell.

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.

Dire times indeed.

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

She told him to open up to her, so he wore his heart upon his sleeve.

He was dead within 2 minutes.

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna open up a business called "none of your business"

We won't tell you what we sell. Fuck you.

How much space will open up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB.

Told my wife I want to open up a barber shop and she said

Cut it out

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

Someday I'll open up a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant

I'll call it Pho-geddaboudit!

FBI: OPEN UP!

Me: *starts crying* it’s just so hard you know!?

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

Dentist: Open up please.

Me: sometimes I get sad...

What did the oyster say to his girlfriend when she finally got him to open up?

Aww shucks

In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church

The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. ...

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

Dentist: open up

Me: well it all started when my dad left

Dentist: no I meant..

Dentist assistant: Wait Ali let him finish

"This is the police! Open up!"

"We didn't call the police, we called for hookers!"

"Your neighbors called us!"

"If they called you, then let them f*** you!"

Schrodinger couldn't stand the suspense any longer and finally decided to open up the box after a month to see if the cat was alive or dead...

So as it turns out, curiosity did kill the cat.

A group of Catholic sisters want to open up a flower shoppe...

...it’s going to be called “Nuns N’ Roses”.

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

Remember these two words. They will open up the doors in your life.

Push and pull

I want to open up a discount book store

I’ll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less

Teacher: "All right class, open up to page 26."

Me: *flips to page 26* "I don't even know... I just feel like my mom will never be proud of me."

Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon...

Let them do it for you. It's their job.

I want to open up a toupée shop.

So when someone questions themselves about buying one, I can say, "toupée or not toupée? That is the question."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mule and a monk open up separate burger joints, who was more successful?

Chi's Burgers was more successful, no one really went to Ass Burgers.

A man opens up a zoo...

One day a man decides to quit his job and open up a zoo. He first needs to get animals for the zoo, so he buys 100 Mina birds. He then decides he needs some aquatic attractions, so he buys some porpoises from a shady man. The man tells him that if he does not feed the porpoises by 12 midnight, they ...

I'm not afraid of someone who threatens to open up a can of whoopass on me...

I'm much more afraid of the people who can the whoopass to begin with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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