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What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

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The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

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Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.

On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

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Two friends are piss drunk at a hotel, and they are looking for a bathroom.

They manage to stumble to a nearby maid and ask for directions. She points to the end of a long hall and says, "Head straight that way and take a right down two small flights of stairs and it'll be right there, you can't miss it."

Both friends begin the slow zigzag shuffle to the toilets, arm...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

My publisher didn’t like my Erotica...

He said the plot was full of gaping holes

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My girlfriend said that since being quarantined I’ve become “addicted” to porn...

which is a filthy, dirty, wet, gaping lie.

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You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

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A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the doo...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

A Holy Car

A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman.

The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks,
“Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”.

The priest proudly says
“Why yes I am!”.

“Well then,” says the s...

Are you ready for a bone-afide good story that will definitely tickle your funny bone?

In a land far far away, lives a locksmith. This locksmith however, has two very special traits. One, he is an undead skeleton retired from being a lowly exp grind mob, and two, is able to open any lock. His skills are unrivaled, but when even he is stumped, he can detach one of his bones to utilize ...

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Ada...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

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A man goes to his colorectal

and says "Doc, I can't stop bleeding down there."

Doctor says, "What did you do?"

Man replies, "I tried anal sex with an elephant."

"Good Lord," the doctor says, "let's see what he did to you." He pulls down the man's pants, revealing an enormous, gaping hole.

"But isn't...

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A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator On A Leash.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!" The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, eve...

[Request] Drinking or medieval jokes. Super bonus if both. They can certainly be offensive. I'll start.

Going on a medieval pub crawl and offensive and/or drinking jokes get you to the head of the line at each bar. I'm hoping you can keep me in the front and my fellow crawlers entertained.

But this is r/jokes, so here's ~~one~~ two to get us started:

A king was preparing to ride off on ...

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(OC) I was at an outdoor showing of and old movie last week...

(On the Waterfront(1954)) when a clearly disturbed and hyperactive boy sitting near me began to behave strangely. He was fondling his penis, groping at adult men and finally trying to sodomize himself with various items. He needed to be forcibly restrained by his parents, all the while the boy conti...

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Elephants Never Forget

Frank owned a full grown African Elephant and due to the rising costs of living, he found it was getting expensive to feed his pet.

Frank thought long and hard for a solution and upon watching a circus program on T.V. thought of the perfect scam to make some quick money.

You see Fran...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

...and the bartender says, "Hey! Get that thing outta here!"

The guy says, "Wait, wait, he's totally harmless. I've had this alligator since he was a baby and I've trained him to be completely under my control."

Dubious, the bartender says, "I don't know if I believe you, and I think i...

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Gator Bait

A man walks into a bar, with a large alligator under one arm. He throws him up on the bar, smacks him upside the head with a big stick, and the gator slowly opens his gaping jaws wide. The man pulls down his pants, lays his schlong in the gator's mouth, for a good minute. Then he pulls it out, pulls...

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