UPJOKE
gawkyawngoggleyawultravioletstarekiwiplatypuscraninghuiakeratinratiteemufalconinsectivorous

Gaping Jokes

My publisher didn’t like my Erotica...

He said the plot was full of gaping holes

Interviewer: "Can you explain this gaping hole on your resume?"

Me: "Ah yes, Gaping Hole was my first job after graduating from the school of gynecology."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.

On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar

with an alligator under one arm and a shillelagh in the other.

He walks up and slings the alligator up onto the bar and brutally WHACKS it over the head with the club.

The alligator’s mouth verrrry slowly creaks open, revealing a gaping maw of savage teeth.

The guy whips out hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said that since being quarantined I’ve become “addicted” to porn...

which is a filthy, dirty, wet, gaping lie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the doo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Tale From The Old West . . .

"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the woman and laughed, "H...

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...

... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are piss drunk at a hotel, and they are looking for a bathroom.

They manage to stumble to a nearby maid and ask for directions. She points to the end of a long hall and says, "Head straight that way and take a right down two small flights of stairs and it'll be right there, you can't miss it."

Both friends begin the slow zigzag shuffle to the toilets, arm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his colorectal

and says "Doc, I can't stop bleeding down there."

Doctor says, "What did you do?"

Man replies, "I tried anal sex with an elephant."

"Good Lord," the doctor says, "let's see what he did to you." He pulls down the man's pants, revealing an enormous, gaping hole.

"But isn't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) I was at an outdoor showing of and old movie last week...

(On the Waterfront(1954)) when a clearly disturbed and hyperactive boy sitting near me began to behave strangely. He was fondling his penis, groping at adult men and finally trying to sodomize himself with various items. He needed to be forcibly restrained by his parents, all the while the boy conti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gator Bait

A man walks into a bar, with a large alligator under one arm. He throws him up on the bar, smacks him upside the head with a big stick, and the gator slowly opens his gaping jaws wide. The man pulls down his pants, lays his schlong in the gator's mouth, for a good minute. Then he pulls it out, pulls...

A Holy Car

A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman.

The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks,
“Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”.

The priest proudly says
“Why yes I am!”.

“Well then,” says the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] It's 1916 and the Germans have developed a new cipher that is proving hard to crack...

A rightfully annoyed British high command therefore advertises the job "military radio decrypter" in all the newspapers across the country and sure enough, some people attempt to apply for the job.

Outside the recruitment office there's a long line of men and women eager to help the war effor...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

...and the bartender says, "Hey! Get that thing outta here!"

The guy says, "Wait, wait, he's totally harmless. I've had this alligator since he was a baby and I've trained him to be completely under my control."

Dubious, the bartender says, "I don't know if I believe you, and I think i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elephants Never Forget

Frank owned a full grown African Elephant and due to the rising costs of living, he found it was getting expensive to feed his pet.

Frank thought long and hard for a solution and upon watching a circus program on T.V. thought of the perfect scam to make some quick money.

You see Fran...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.