Red Square Jokes - 36 Hilarious Red Square Jokes

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is....

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In the Red Square

A man stands in the Red Square in Moscow during Soviet times and yells "Damn fucked up State!"

A KGB officer comes along and grabs him, the man complains he never said what state he meant, so the KGB officer lets him go.

Next day, same scene. The man stands in the Red Sqare and yells ...

A man hands out printouts on Red Square. He's then arrested.

Once at the police station, the officers realize that his leaflets were empty. He says, "Everyone knows what the problem is, so why bother writing it down?"

A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia

A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"

The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"

A tourist sees a man holding a blank piece of paper in Red Square, Moscow

Confused, he asks the man what he's doing.

The man says "I'm protesting"

"How is anyone supposed to know what you're protesting with that blank sign?" Asks the tourist.

The man scoffs "Ignorant tourists! Why would I need to put that? Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
...

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who th...

Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle?

Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.

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In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go....

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square.
The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:
\- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.
Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. ...

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Radio Yerevan was asked about today's parade.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Given how difficult it must have been to procure equipment for this year's Red Square Victory Day Parade, did the organizer receive any sort of special commendation?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "No, it was a tankless job."

Russian freedom is not different to US freedom.

An american and a russian both praise their homeland.

\- Russian freedom is not different to US freedom.

The american says:

\-Now look, I could go right now in front of the white house and hold a protest against president Biden and nothing would happen to me.

\-My friend,...

A Russian man shouting

A Russian man is walking around on the Red Square and shouting "Brezhnev is an idiot! Brezhnev is an idiot!"

He gets arrested. The sentence comes: 25 years. 1 for disturbing the peace and 24 for unauthorized release of classified information.

Of rain, snow, and communism.

A soviet couple was walking on the red square in Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they...

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In the days of the old USSR an American and a Russian are arguing over who has the most freedom

The American starts by saying, “If I wanted to I could undo my zipper and take a piss in the middle of the day right on the front of the Statue of Liberty.” The Russian replies, “That’s nothing. In mother Russia I could go to Moscow, drop my pants and take a dump right in the middle of Red Square.”<...

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

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A Russian joke (sorry if a repost)

One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout “down with the tyrant with the mustache.” Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler. Sta...

A Chinese joke about the USSR

In the 1960s a Chinese student in Moscow get upset with the system. Therefore walks up to red square and shouts: "Khrushchev you are a lier! Khrushchev you are a traitor! Khrushchev you are an idiot!" The man get's arrested right on the spot and put into prison. Even though the Chinese government se...

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Japanese government delegation visits Russia [USSR for oldtimers]

Russian officials give them tours around Moscow and show off the best they could to impress honorable guests. Whenever they ask guests how they like the streets, buildings, or "state-of-the-art" plants, guests give the same feedback smile, bow, and "You have wonderful children".

On the final ...

American citizen meets Russian citizen.

American says: "We have democracy in our country. I can stand in front of White House and shout "Biden is a scumbag!" and and the police won't do anything to me".
Russian says: "Oh, not a big deal, we also have democracy. I can stand on the Red Square and shout "Biden is a scumbag!" and the polic...

Stalin tells a joke

Stalin decided to tell a joke one day. He gathered his faithful people to the red square and proclaimed that He would now tell a glorious joke. HIS people were curious and said:”well comrade Stalin what is it?”. Stalin, with a straight face said: “Food”. The people were puzzled and said: “Comrade St...

In the Soviet Union a listener calls Radio Yerevan with a pressing question.

"Is it true" the listener asks "that in Moscow, at the Red Square, Moskvich cars are being given for free?"

"It is absolutely true" the host replies "just not in Moscow but in Leningrad, not at the Red Square but at the Revolution Square, not cars but bikes, and not given for free but...

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?

In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him

The Russian replies with the fact that he can ...

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

"Stalin is a fool!"

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will...

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Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparin...

The language of heaven

Back in the soviet days a little old lady was sitting on a bench by the Red square, reading a book entitled "Teach yourself Hebrew". A police officer was walking by, saw the book and decided to make some trouble for the lady.

"Why does an old crone like you want to learn Hebrew?" he demanded....

In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.

One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB deci...

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

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Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

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