Martha Jokes - 55 Hilarious Martha Jokes

Linda and Martha are talking. "Have you heard of the Bechdel Test?" asks Linda.

"Yes," answers Martha. "My boyfriend told me about it."

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

Martha and Arthur

The old coulple were sitting on their porch reminiscing on 65 years of marriage, After a few moments of silence Martha pipes up:
"Arthur, what would you do if I started smoking?"
He replies:
"I'd slow down dear, and use more lube."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Bang her in the butt then use the curtains to clean yourself off.

Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."

Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"

Ethel replied...

One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair...

There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.

Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."

Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.

For his part, Bill was ve...

Why did Martha pull her kids out of band class?

Too much Sax and Violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Southern sisters are sitting on a big porch sipping Mint Juleps.

Martha says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me this amazing porch.”
Mary says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bless your heart”

Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a beautiful new Cadillac.”
Martha says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bles...

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

Martha

Dale and Martha have been getting along in years, and Dale has become more and more concerned with his wife's worsening hearing loss.

One day, while she is working in the garden he decides to give her a little test.

He steps out onto the porch and says "Martha" she doesn't respond. ...

What's the difference between Martha Stewart and NASA??

Martha Stewart teaches cooks and NASA cooks teachers

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Betty and Martha are standing outside the nursing home having a smoke

when it starts to rain. Martha curses and starts trying to shelter her cigarette when Betty calmly reaches into her bag, pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She snips the end off the condom, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking like nothing is wrong.

Martha looks at her que...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology?

"Cooking: The Books"

Last week was my birthday...

and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!” with a possible present for me.

No such luck. Barely a good morning, let alone a “Happy birthday”.
I figured…well, that’s marriage for you. Maybe ...

Two women who are best friends are talking.

"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"

"No."

"So, we'll be enemies then?

"No."

"What would we be then?

"Even."

Sister Mary Margaret woke up and saw from the rising sun that she was late.

She jumped up, dressed in a hurry and headed down for morning prayers. Sister Agnes took a look at her and said "Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today" and smirked. Sister Mary Margaret just shook her head, slightly annoyed, and kept going. Then she saw Sister Martha who looked at ...

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the movies

2 old women, Martha and Ethel, go to the theater. After watching the movie for a while, Martha nudges Ethel and whispers," Ethel, the man next to me is masturbating". Ethel whispers back,"Just ignore him Martha".

Martha replies," I can't ignore him. He's using my hand".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

Heavy rain

A natural science professor goes to visit her friend, despite the thick downpour.

*buzzer* "Who's there?"

"Martha? It's me."

"Lucy?! *electric lock clacking* Come upstairs, quick, it's raining a lot!"

"Oh, Martha, you wouldn't belive it... It's raining outside too!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

My dad just said this and claims he thought of it himself.

An elderly couple, Ed and Martha go out to dinner together. Martha feels a rumble in her stomach and says to Ed, “Ed, I think I just had a silent fart. What should I do?”

Ed replies, “Well, honey, you could start by turning up your hearing aids.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Two elderly ladies are rocking on the porch of the old folks home.

With a reminiscent look on her face, one of the old ladies says to the other,

"Oh Martha I was just thinking:
Do you remember the minuet?

"Oh for goodness sakes Henrietta. I can even remember the men I fucked!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's an old man's birthday

He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.

He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.

"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"

Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."

"C'mon, y...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were b...

As George got home a long day, his wife asked him to mow the lawn that evening.

"Why do I have to the lawn now?" he asked.

"Because the neighbors are going to think we are slobs, and lazy!" Martha said.

They argued for several minutes, and George threw up his hands. "I don't care WHAT the neighbors think!" he yelled. "In fact, I'll go outside right now and mow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old couple getting frisky

Husband says to wife 'Martha, tomorrow will be our 60th wedding anniversary and my 82nd birthday. We haven't had sex since last year! I need some loving, sugar.'

Martha responds, with a sigh 'Well okay, but no thumb up the butt this time.'

Don frustratingly replies 'Dammit! it's my thu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on his death bed...

His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak.

"Martha, how did it happen? My five strong boys winning competitions, chopping wood, marrying...

Two nuns meet up downtown...

"Martha, did you come on the bus?"

"Yes, but I pretended it was an asthma attack."

Arthur was looking outside as the snow begin to fall,

and his wife, Martha, yelled from the other room "They said on the radio we need to park on the odd side of the street for the plows tonight!"

"Ok, I'll move the car then!" and he moved the car to the odd side of the street.

A few nights later another snow storm was due. "Arthur, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"

The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man in his 90's

is watching tv and a sexy
commercial comes on. After the ad the old fella realizes he has a stiffy. He gets up and shuffles into the kitchen to show his wife. "MARTHA!!! MARTHA!!! Look at this. What should i do with it?" His wife looks up at him and replies," You might as well clean it now that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wins an online lottery of $5000 but finds out her entered the wrong email address.

He comes home disappointed and tells his son to send an email kindly requesting him to transfer all the money to his account, since he is the rightful recipient of the cash prize. However, his panic attack kicks in as he realizes he probably won't accept their request, and he tells his son to just s...

First Date

*On a first date*

Inner me: okay don’t let them know you stalked them online

Them: my aunt-

Me: Martha or Susan?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I w...

Elderly conception

An elderly couple go to the doctors office. They explain they would like to convince a child. The doctor explains how difficult it will be but the couple is persistent. He agrees to help and hands the old man a jar and tells him to fill it and bring it back.
The following day the couple return t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

The Turkey, the Parrot and the In-laws

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus had a terrible issue with cursing.

Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cursed terribly, so Mar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old couple were driving down a country road

henry, sees a sign… "cow for sale $5,000 dollars."

Martha, he says, there`s no damn way any cow is worth $5,000 dollars.

So he turns around, "i`ve got to talk to this farmer".

"Mister", he says, "there`s no goddamn way any cow is worth $5,000 dollars".

"This one is", repl...

A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper...

... He rings them up, asks how much it costs.
"One dollar per word", says the clerk.
"Ok, here's the message: "Martha dead"
The clerk pauses and replies:
"You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."
"...

I approached the grieving widow at the funeral.

"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"

She sniffled and feebly replied.

"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad E-mail Addresses

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when...

Bedside Wife

A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf Balls

An old couple is making love in their old dusty bedroom when the woman stops and says "Harold, I've been meaning to ask you something." She gets off of the bed and pulls a shoebox out from under the bed. Harold gets a little nervous and she says, "Harold we've been married for 50 years and I just do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not sure if this has been posted before, but my favorite

Dirty Johnny's sitting in his kindergarten class, learning about the alphabet. The teacher is having the students review. She asks the class, "What's something that starts with the letter A?"

Immediately several hands go up, including Dirty Johnny's. The teacher thinks, oh no, I can't call on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the old couple had no money left, so the husband says

-"Martha, you spent all our monthly pension playing bingo. Now we cannot even buy food, the only way we got to get some money quickly is that you prostitute yourself"

The old woman accepts her fate and goes out. The evening passes, then the full night. The husband begins to get worried, but ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.