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Loudest Jokes

What is the loudest kind of pet?

A trumpet

What's the loudest park of a dog house?

The ROOF

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

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How does an elephant camouflage? & What's the loudest thing in the forest?

He paints his balls in red and climbs on a cherry tree & A giraffe eating a cherry.

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The loudest noise in the jungle

Why do monkeys paint their balls red?

So they can hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen a monkey in a cherry tree? No?

That's how good it works!

How can you tell if a giraffe was in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter!

And what is the loudest noise in the jungle...

What's the loudest part of tennis?

The Racquet

Who are the loudest people in china?

The Shao Ding people

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The world's loudest masturbator has just been apprehended by police...

and he won't cum quietly.

I had a friend a friend who sleep through anything, even the loudest of noises!

Granted, I shot him with a tranquilizer first.

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the ...

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Even in a noisy room,

Porn is still the loudest fucking sound

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A woman was waiting at a bus stop

The wait was going to be long. In the diner across the road, there was a fortune machine. 25 cents, the little slip of paper came out.

"You know how to play the violin"

Well that's not true, she thought. There happened to be a violinist in the diner, he let her try. To both of thei...

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

What do you call a rabbit with no legs?

The loudest Fleshlight I ever used.

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[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

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Teacher says, “The president is coming to school! Now listen,

He’s a very powerful man and he must be respected.

When he gets out of his car everybody cheer.

When he walks up the steps shout, ‘again! again!again!’.

Finally, when he’s in the classroom chant his name”.

The president gets out of the car and steps on shit.

*Ever...

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

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Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

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What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

I went to a rope store today

looking for some rope. I ask the clerk what the best general use rope is and he brings me aisle after aisle, showing me various types of rope and different knots.
We get to one aisle, and there is nothing there except a single, medium sized box.

I promptly ask the clerk about it and he te...

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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his wait...

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

Three men die together in an accident and are sent to hell...

Two of the men are quite tall and lean, and the other man is a very short, fat guy.

The devil welcomes them to hell. He tells the three men that they have a chance to redeem their souls and go to heaven. If one of them men can find something the devil can't catch, he will let all three asce...

3 Prisoners planned to escape from a prison...

The first prisoner scaled over the prison wall, but made a loud crash when he landed on the other side.
A patrolling guard yelled out "WHO GOES THERE?".
The prisoner thinks quickly and makes a cat noise "MEOW!"
The guard calms down and thinks it just a stray cat.
The second prisoner foll...

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Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right in...

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An old married couple were laying in bed one night...

An old married couple were in bed one night, about to go to sleep. All of a sudden the old man passes gas, loudly. The wife, annoyed, says "what on earth was that?!"

The old man thinks for a second, then says "Fart Football. 7-nothing!" The wife grumbles and they both go back to falling aslee...

A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.

Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"

Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"

The owner reassu...

Boudreaux, Tibideaux, and Pierre want to work for the FBI...

But being 3 Cajuns from the south proved a challenge, since they weren't the brightest bunch, but they tried their hardest. After taking courses for 2 years the three had a good chance of passing.

It all came to a final test, a loyalty test. The instructor said to the Cajuns, "The final test ...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

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He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family

He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats, her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor.

All of a sudden the urge to fart hit ...

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Turkey Dinner Surprise

A husband and his wife had been married for over fifty years. They were desperately in love with each other. Neither one had any complaints about the other, except for one. Each morning, the husband would roll over and fart loudly as he woke up. The wife would exclaim, "One of these days you're ...

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The Traveling Salesmen and the Farmer's Daughter

(Obligatory traveling salesmen break down, ask farmer for shelter, farmer warns against sleeping with daughter, salesmen do anyway setup...)

"As punishment," the farmer says sternly, "you're going to help me with my harvest. Go outside and pick one hundred of your favorite fruit."

The ...

Ok so there's this brunette who is determined to vanquish the stereotype that all blonds are dumb

so she invites one million blond people to her event and manages to get her event televised all over the world. She then points to a blond sat on the front row and asks her to get on the stage.

"Ok, today is the day, I'm here to prove to you all that blonds are not dumb people, just regular p...

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Bills wife asks him to take her brother bob hunting with him

But bill knows bob has narcolepsy, but he does it anyway. Well bill takes bob out to the place where they will be hunting, he hands bob his rifle and tells him you go to the top of that hill and I'll go to the top of this hill. If you shoot and kill a deer I'll help you bring it out, and if I kill a...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

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