Why was the body builder playing with knives?

Because he wanted to get cut

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

Why do they sell knives with a rounded end

They seem pointless

What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza?

Little ceaser’s.

My friend told me a joke about knives.

I said it was too edgy.

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

What do you call a salad with a bunch of knives in it?

A Ceaser Salad

Dark HUMOR

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"

The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."

The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
...

At the steak house my wife exclaims, "Stop playing with your knife! You'll hurt yourself!" I reply, "These knives are so dull ...

A Rabbi would be furious and a foreskin would be irritated."

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren’t cutting it anymore

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

A game show for knives:

Will they make the cut?

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Turks got 3 problems

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solv...

A man was pulled over by a police officer...

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.

Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving hi...

One of my favourite jokes as a kid, for my cake day

An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman are all traveling together. It's late, and they've found a hotel to sleep at. However, when they try to book rooms, they find that the hotel is nearly fully booked.
"I'm sorry," says the receptionist. "We only have 3 beds left, and they're all very uncomfort...

I hate blunt knives

They just won’t cut it for me

I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 sur5al but 6 knew that 7 secretly h8ed him and didn't have be9 in10tions.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

Want to hear a quality joke about knives?

On second thought, I can't tell it. It's too edgy

Two men sit in a bar when a guy with a bunch of knives comes in..

.. one of the guys turned to the other and said:

"See that guy with all those knives? He's *Knife Bill*"

Some time later a man with 8 guns on his belt comes in and again the guy turned to the other and said:

"See that guy with all those guns? He's *Gun Bill*"

An hour late...

Onions are a lot like knives....

If you get them in your eye you'll probably cry

Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

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I want to see if this Argentinian joke can withstand translation (NSFW)

Two young pretty nuns arrive to the convent shocked and distraught, almost in tears.
The Mother Superior (head of the convent) immediately approaches and asks what happened. The nuns say “a pervert exposed himself to us a couple blocks from here”.
The mother superior, a stocky, strong, tough...

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

My favorite corny joke ever.

There were 3 aliens that just moved to Earth. None of them knew any English. One day they decided to take up different activities to learn the language.
One alien took a singing class and learned "me, me ,me ,meeee!"
The second alien took a cooking class and learned "Forks and knives, Forks an...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

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Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

"Turks have 3 problems..."

An Italian man walks into a nightclub wearing a shirt that says "Turks have 3 problems".

A turkish man approaches him and asks: "What the f*** is your shirt suppposed to mean?""

The Italian says: "See, that is your first problem. You turks are way too curious"

The Turkish man w...

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Wife needs a birthday present for her husband and only the pet store is open...

She went into the pet store, and said she wanted something for her husband.
Store clerk says "get him this frog", and shows her a pretty average looking frog
-how much is it?
-$300
- pretty steep for a common frog, isn't it?
-oh, this is not a common frog... see, it gives blo...

Four Aliens

The are four aliens passing by our solar system. The don’t know a word of English. Their spaceship malfunctions and they manage to eject the escape pods before they crash land on Earth. Each alien lands in a different spot on the planet. They each decide they might as well try to learn some English ...

Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chic...

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A man goes to a zoo.......

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.


When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper e...

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A sadist takes a masochist to his dungeon

He cuffs the masochist to the wall, blindfolds him, and asks him a minute to test the quality of his equipment.

He starts whiping the air, to check his whip's durability. He realizes it's fine. He then proceeds to sharpening his knives, until they cut perfectly. After that, he moves the cogs ...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

How do you make a Caesar Salad?

You stab some knives in it.

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A generic slightly racist one! (use it with any minority).

A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says:

Turks have three problems

Immediately a Turk comes up and says:

-- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble?

-- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start qua...

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot ...

So there was this alien who came down to earth

An alien came down to earth and wanted to know how to act. He first stopped by a recording studio, where he heard someone singing “me me ME me me me...”
The alien then repeated, sing slightly off-key “me me ME me me me...”
The next place he went to was a fast food place, where he heard the cas...

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

Wanna know what really divides people?

knives

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A guy 'recruits' a hiregirl, taking her to a motel where, while he was taking the required shower, she discovered that it's 'that time of the month'

'*What am I gonna do*...' she wonders. '*I already took payment.. they guy's kindda cute... even I'd like to do it... I'll just turn off the lights. He won't notice, and by the time he wakes tomorrow, I'll be long gone!*'

Done deal. After a sexstorm of a night, the guy wakes up next to a ...

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

Buried Knife Found at O.J.'s Estate

Proof that black knives matter?

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Two cannibals are walking on a beach...

..where they find a washed up body. They are excited about finding dinner, but they don’t have any knives with them to cut it up to share.


“I know” said Greg, “I will eat from the head, you will eat from the feet. When we meet in the middle we will have had half each.”


“Great p...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

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Three explorers are on a remote island...

...and are captured by a tribe of natives.

The chief walks up and says, "I've got bad news for you, guys. We're cannibals, so you're all going to be dinner tonight." He points to a huge cauldron of boiling water.

The explorers are horrified, and start begging for their lives.

"I...

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A cowboy comes out of a cafe and sees that someone has painted his horse's balls red.

A cowboy just won first place in a rodeo in a small western town. So proud of his horse was he that he rode him to the neighborhood saloon. After tying the horse to a post, he went inside for a couple of brews.

When he came out of the bar a few hours later, he noticed that someone had painte...

Fidel Castro dies and goes to hell.

There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell.

There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it like in there?” asks Fidel. “Well,” the d...

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DigDug (a bit nsfw)

So an explorer and his trusted assistant were in the middle of a jungle exploring places unknown.

So they came upon a bunch of natives. These natives were mean looking with knives, clubs and spears. They looked like stereotypical cannibals. The natives grabbed them and brought them to their c...

A Chinese Man who knew no English wanted to visit America,

so he bought a ticket and flew over. The first place he saw was a candy store. He heard a child screaming,
"HE STOLE MY LOLLIPOP,"
then the Chinese man nodded and left. The next place he visited was a restaurant, where he saw a couple children banging forks and knives on the table and yelling,...

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Three American salesmen were caught in a Middle Eastern harem.

One tried to explain "A cab driver told us this was a cat house and snuck us in the back door."

"No excuses!" the Emir shouted. "Any man who enters my harem must pay dearly!"

He then became very thoughtful. "If you were my people, you would be put to death at once. But tensions are hi...

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Monkey Business

A man goes to the zoo on his day off, he is walking around checking out the animals. Then he gets to the gorilla exhibit.

A huge bruiser is sitting there, chilling. The guy finishes his sandwich and tosses the wrapper in the garbage bin. The gorilla grabs a piece of paper lying close and tos...

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Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...

Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.

-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!

One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

A recent report shows that

Gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this.

My toast was very hairy

An Inspector goes to a Processing Plant

So an inspector goes to a processing plant. He walks up to the manager and says: ‘I hear you keep your animals in horrible conditions. I’m here to write a report.’

The manager gives a cold smile and says: ‘Where would you like to start?’

‘Let’s start with your pigs,’ says the insp...

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A cowboy is new in town and enters a saloon...

he goes straight to the barkeeper, sits down and asks him to tell him the names of the other cowboys in town as they enter the saloon in order to get to know them.

The doors opens, a cowboy enters with like carrying like 5 pistols. The barkeeper tells him: "That's Pistolbill!".
Interested...

There was once this man in the army training with his fellow soldiers

They were all training in practice combat and everyone needed to stand in line and wait to get their fake weapons. Everyone was given dummy rifles, dummy knives, dummy guns, and all sorts dummy weapons to practice fighting with except for John, the last person in line. They told him they ran out of ...

I'm sitting in a jail cell

and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so stupid. On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the expensive knives would have been great, and who doesn't want a food processor?

But all in all, it just wasn't work the whisk.

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon

Hilary invites Donald on a bury the hatchet secret meeting before the knives come out in the run up. A little while into the trip she springs a surprise on the other President hopeful..

" So Trump.. I would like you to say hello to our pilot, Pedro who happens to be Mexican, and my assistant,...

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

On a dark and stormy night...

...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world.

No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt ...

A man goes to the zoo

He's at the gorilla exhibit when a gust of wind blows some dust into his eye. He rubs his eye to get the dust out and the gorilla sees this and immediately bends open the bars to the exhibit and beats the man unconscious.
The man wakes up in the zookeeper's office and the zookeeper asks him what...

3 men are captured by savages...

3 men are traveling across the ocean on a cruise when their boat hits a large rock and sinks. Everyone on the boat dies except these 3 men who miraculously manage to swim a mile to a nearby forested island. The lucky survivors soon pass out on the beach from exhaustion. When they wake up, to their h...

Three Brothers

My friend Mike and his two brothers Luke and Bill aren't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer. Just yesterday afternoon they found themselves stuck at Walmart because they locked the damn keys in the truck. Of course Mike and Luke spent the better part of an hour bickering over whether they s...

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