UPJOKE
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What does a nosy pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business!

My wife says I'm nosy.

Well...at least that's what she wrote in her diary.

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

Recovering from Thanksgiving.....

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks. "Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?" "Yes," the butcher sighs. "So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender...

Want to know a secret?

You're awfully nosy, aren't you.

My daughter thinks I’m nosy and controlling.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Why are waiters in Mexican restaurants so nosy?

Because they get jalapeno business!

What did the bee say to the nosy bee?

Mind your own Bees knees!

What do you call a very nosy spice?

Jalapeño Business

You need to say this in a pretty thick Hispanic accent for it to work. I heard it from some classmates.

A nosy woman was told she'd be getting half a million dollars if she stopped being nosy

"Is there another half of the million? Who's going to get it??" she responded.

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

Our daughter said I'm too nosy!

Husband: wow she really said that?
Me: no but I read it in her diary

Why are blacksmiths seen as very nosy?

Because the are always metal-ing.

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My Fathers favourite old-timer joke to honour him.

An elderly woman hadn’t been to the doctor in a very long time. Her husband said to his wife that she should make an appointment for a check up. She made the appointment and went to the doctor. Afterwards, she came home and the husband asked what the doctor said. She replied that the doctor needed a...

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

3 Daughters

There was an old woman with three daughters. She was getting old and wanted some grandchildren, so she let her daughters pick their mates and locked them into their bedrooms overnight. She was a nosy old woman, and wanted to find out how things were going.

She walked past the first room and h...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

Remember: It's impolite to ask people questions about their sinuses because that's their personal business.

Don't be nosy.

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY

Sorry, I was just being nosy.

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A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate.

A man strolls into his local bar and is shocked to see a pirate sitting at the end of the bar. The guy was decked out, eye patch, peg leg, and a hook hand. A real, proper pirate.

So the man says "why not?" And pulls up a seat next to the pirate. He buys a round for himself and the pirate and ...

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Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

A man ordered two drinks at once every day...

The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked w...

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want fo...

Women smoking a cigarette at the pump

I only pass these on....

You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the cops right there?!"
But anywa...

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

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Caught my wife going through the neighbour's bins.

She's not nosy. Just shit at parking

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(classic) So an old man walks into a hospital waiting room...

An old man walks into a hospital waiting room. The receptionist is rather nosy, and loves to ask people what is wrong with them for all to hear, making the wait uncomfortable.

The old man walks up to say he is there for his appointment, when the receptionist asks

"So, what are you here...

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My roommate confronted me yesterday...

Do you think I'm a nosy bastard?

No! Of course not!

Then why did you write that in your diary!

Anytime I bring something new in the house my dog always has to sniff and inspect what it is..

And I realized that dogs can be pretty nosy.

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Wife mowing the lawn

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from ...

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Willie the bridge builder

An old man is sitting at the bar when a young patron walks in. He notices the old man has quite a few empty shot glasses in front of him. He approaches the old man and says, "Hello sir, I don't mean to be nosy but you sure have a lot of empty shot glasses there. What's the matter?" The old man looks...

3 sisters

3 sisters return home from college with their new boyfriends in tow. One night their mother fancies a glass of water before bed. On her way back she stops in front of the door of each girls room being nosy. At the first door she hears uncontrollable laughter coming from her daughter. She moves to th...

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I called the boss this morning

and told him that I am staying at home because I wasn't feeling well.

"What's the matter with you?" The nosy bastard asked like he is some sort of medical expert!

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," I told him.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?" he asks.

"I just can't see my...

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