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A black man is driving in a Mercedes-Benz when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?"

The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes."

Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "Fi...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

I hardly drive anywhere yet have recently bought a Ferrari, a BMW, an RX-7, a Mercedes-Benz and an Aston Martin.

I clearly have the car owner virus.

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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

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A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping

A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping on Madison Avenue when they run into each other and talk about the gifts they've bought their wives.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas and the rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz" ...

I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz...

I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time.

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

β€œI know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

β€œIm gonna stick my pen...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz?

The porcupine's pricks are on the outside.

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Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? ...

A young well dressed blonde woman enters a high end New York City Bank seeking a loan.

The baker she sees checks her references and asks what she plans to use as collateral for the loan, which is only $5000, far less than most clients ask for at his bank.

She offers her Mercedes Benz as collateral. Everything checks out and the banker approves the loan, and the woman thanks him...

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

I drove my car into a tree the other day...

I wanted to see how my Mercedes Benz.

Doesn't matter how many CDs you have...

Benz has Mercedes.

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

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A rich man and poor man are at a bar.

A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.'

The poor man looks astonished, 'it's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?'

The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a...

What a dumb blonde... wait...

*Blonde goes into a bank

Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.

Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.

Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)

*Blonde leaves

Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,0...

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On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:

-What’s your name?

-Angela Benz, sir.

-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?

-Yes, sir. A very close one.

-How close?
...

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Two best friends got married on the same date and...

meet every year after their anniversaries at their favorite bar. One was fortunate to be really successful and the other lives a sort of mediocre life. They start discussing what they got their wife's for their anniversaries. The rich guy begins by discussing his gift.

" Yea, I got my wife a...

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Two brothers have dinner shortly after Christmas. NSFW

One is incredibly wealthy and the other can barely afford rent. Over dinner, they share stories about their Christmas and what they gifted their respective wives.

The rich brother relays how he bought his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

'Oh wow, why did you get h...

What type of car does a washed up celebrity drive?

A Mercedes Has-Benz

Can a Toyota stretch?

No, but a Mercedes-Benz

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Charm school

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Broken Hill

After a little while the Vic...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

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A man had just finished a round of golf....

...and was filling the gas tank of his Mercedes Benz convertible.

A woman at the next pump was admiring his car, and noticed several golf tees on the front seat. She wasn't quite sure what they were, so she asked, "What are those for?"

The man replied, "That's what I put my balls on w...

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Three boys sitting on a curb...

Three boys sitting on a curb looking across the street at a Porsche, Corvette, and a Mercedes Benz.
The first one says, 'When I grow up, I want to be a football star so I can buy me a Porsche just like that one'.
The second one replies, 'When I grow up, I want to be a famous actor so I can buy...

A Mercedes picks up a Hungarian hitchhiker...

This being Hungary, the hitchhiker isn't used to seeing Mercedes on the road, and asks what [that thing on the front of the car](http://www.automotive-stock-images.com/photos/hood-ornament-1928-mercedes-benz-680s.jpg) is. The driver, somewhat amused, jokes:

"Why, that's the car's sights. Like...

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

A blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

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Adult store

Bob started his first day at the adult store. Half way thru the day he felt comfortable and was absorbing everything the store owner is teaching him.

Then the store owner gets an emergency store and has to leave. He tells Bob "I have to leave do you want me to close the store or can you ha...

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

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A Southern Oldie But Goodie....

**Disclaimer: Must be read in a deep Southern drawl.**

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, "Is that your baby boy there?" The first woman replied, "Why, yes it ...

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"OH MY GOD, RYAN! YOU'RE THE DUMBEST KID I'VE EVER MET!"

Said the teacher to Ryan, one of her students.

One day, Ryan's mum went to her son's school and had a talk with Ryan's teacher. She said that Ryan had the worst grades in school and that, in her 10 years of teaching, she never met such a dumb kid.

The mother, shocked, decided to move t...

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Four dads go out to dinner...

After they order, one dad gets up and announces that he's going to the restroom and will be right back. Once he leaves, things are kind of awkward, so one dad breaks the tension.

"I just have to say, my son is the greatest thing I could've asked for. He started out as a table cleaner at a cha...

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A rich man & a poor man have the same wedding anniversary...

They both go to Sacs Fifth Avenue to get a gift. The poor man asks the rich man, "What did you get your wife this year?". The rich man responds, " I got her a diamond ring & a Mercedes Benz" to which the poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?". So the rich man says, "I got both so that if she ...

I crashed my family's car

I've always wanted to see how a Mercedes-Benz.

I bought a used Mercedes last week...

... and I'm really happy with everything about it, except that the windshield wipers always seem to leave streaks on the driver's side while the passenger side is spotless. I tried replacing the blades, but that didn't work. So I called the guy I bought it from to see if he had any advice, and all h...

Man to very beautiful airhostess:-

"What's your name?"

Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."

Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same" :D

So a police officer is called out to the scene where a Mercedes is wrapped around a tree,

He said "Well, I guess that's the way the Mercedes Benz"

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Mercedes driver

A rich banker just picks up his new set of wheels from the dealership, a 2015 top of the line Mercedes Benz S500 so he decides he'll go for a spin through the city to show it off a bit. He's driving around getting looks from everyone he passes and he feels great when all of a sudden he gets stopped ...

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Southern Ladies

Three southern ladies are sitting on a porch, talking about how much their husbands love them. The first lady says, "My husband loves me so much! He bought me this diamond ring!" The second lady responds, "Oh my!" and the third lady says, "Isn't that nice". The second lady then boasts to her friends...

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