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Sumptuous Jokes

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

What do you call it when someone makes you an impressive and expensive feast without asking your permission first?

Pre-sumptuous.

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Here's to spending the rest of me life between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!

Let me tell you about the best toast of the night. It was won by a fine Irish lad, John O'Reilly, who hoisted his ale and said "here's to spending the rest of me life... between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!" The men cheered and gave him a trophy. When John returned home that night, dr...

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

Assertive

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed ...

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

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Darkest Africa

Two explores were captured by a vicious tribe and sentenced to death. The witch doctor explained that as they weren't savages and to prove it he granted each captive a last wish.

The first explorer requested a sumptuous meal. when the meal was over he was killed,skinned and they used his skin...

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Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his ...

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

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A kinky guy goes into a brothel...

Walks up to the front desk and explains that he's got particular tastes, but he's prepared to pay extra.

The madame reassures him that all their girls are very well trained, and directs him to a room where she promises he will find everything he needs. If not, let the girl know and she can se...

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Two leprechauns win the lottery.

Two leprechauns win the lottery and decide to go on holiday to London and party their winnings away. They check in to the most expensive suite in the most expensive hotel in town. This suite is that posh that it has 2 double bedrooms joined by a connecting door. After relaxing a while they head down...

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There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

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