UPJOKE
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My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

What do you call a biologist that likes to be shamed & humliated in the bedroom?

Biodegradable

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

I see a lot of social media bios that say “retired athlete”...

...which basically means “never went pro”.

So... I matched with a Chinese girl on Tinder. Her bio said I like my men like I like my food.

My opening message was “I’m Batman!”

A lot of people thought bio-warfare was overpowered.

That's why it was banned from competitive use.

It's great to see so many girls on Tinder with no bio

I guess they're all against profiling

Perfect Bio for any Chirstian Dating Site

I love Jesus and long walks on the water.

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

Her tinder bio said she’s very creative and imaginative.

So I didn’t text. She can imagine our chats. And probably a better one.

I wonder how far our relationship has gone.

Bio joke

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis.

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

What did the bio student say to her boyfriend?

I want to give your saccharide.

Derek Acorah got sacked from Most Haunted for advertising bio-yoghurt in breech of his contract.

That's what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

What did the mushroom put in his bio for the online dating service?

Im a fungi

I think the world’s greatest dad trophy my kids just got me is kinda silly.

I think I was the only one that knew it was a competition.

Their bio dad definitely didn’t.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

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Did you know it takes 3 miracles to be declared a Saint by the Catholic Church?

Did you know masturbating 15 times a day for 3 days strait does not constitute as a miracle? Did you also know they return the application and evidence in a package labeled Bio-hazard?

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My girlfriend recently told me that I am not perfect

And I said ,"Well I may not be perfect but atleast I am Bio-degradable, you plastic bitch"

A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.

As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.

But then...

Two identical twins that were separated at birth were asked how they reunited

Well, one said, “we met online and immediately noticed many physical similarities”

The other chimed in “ we both mentioned in our bio how we never actually met our parents”

“It was quite a strange coincidence that we met, huh”

“Yeah, grinder is a wonder, isn’t it?”

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says: “My nose just keeps on running,”

“But that’s not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.”

The doctor replies: “Well I’m sorry to tell you there’s nothing I can do. It doesn’t seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!”...

What does a Instagram teenager do for his history report?

Lincoln bio

Teacher: Nitrogen isn't a renewable resource.

Me: Can we fix that?

(Came up with this joke just a few hours earlier when my Bio teacher said this.)

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

How did the doctor cure the woman with Tourette's?

Anti-bio-tics.

You hear about the kid that threw his biology test in the trash, yet still managed to pass?

Turns out, it was bio-D-gradable.

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

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Dirty Bastard

Had a good, not great, conversation with my stepson about his future. I learned either why he wants to be a bio-chemist or that he's a dirty bastard. I asked what he wants to do in the future. He said "I want to make a hormone."

Three engineers are arguing about which engineering discipline god favors...

The first says "God is an electrical engineer - electricity is fundamental to all life. Electricity is the most transportable, universal energy... it's like the force. Clearly, god is an electrical engineer."

The second pipes up and says "Nah... god must be a chemical engineer, from the bio-...

Name the bird...

In a bio practical exam -

Examiner: Here are few pictures of bird legs. You got to identify the bird by just looking at the the legs. Here you go. Name the first bird in here.

Kid: I don't know.

Examiner: What!! you don't know ..what kind of an answer is that. I got to mark you ...

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