UPJOKE
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Full Of Jokes

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

A bus full of ugly people crashes...

A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?

A teapot.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...

A lorry full of toupees was stolen...

Police are combing the area for clues.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers?

Saskatchewan got to pick first.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there.

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them we...

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

What did the dad say when he saw the parliament was full of birds?

This is a parliament most fowl indeed...

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

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A truck full of Viagra has been hijacked.

The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

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My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

A man is caught with the car full of penguins

the policeman says: "you have to take these animals to the zoo, or else I'll fine you!", the man agrees and leaves. The next day the same policeman again picks up the man with a car full of penguins.

The cop says: "didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?". The man replies: "I took ...

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

A little old lady and a sack full of $20's

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large trash bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.


Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there is money falling out of your bag."
"Oh...

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands?

Washed up musicians.

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A truck full of chickens

A man drives with his truck through a long desert-like area.
His truck carries a load of living chickens and his only companion is his speaking parrot.

On day there is a beautiful young woman on the roadside trying to hitchhike.

He stops and asks what happend and why she is out here...

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

you knock on the door.

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So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

Will smith used to be so full of life and fun

now he just seems *jaded*

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,

all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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What’s long, hard and full of semen?

A submarine

what do you call a wagon full of young ladies?

a miscarriage

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This pissed off guy bursts into a bar full of people with a rifle.

“Who the hell’s the asshole who slept with my wife?!”

Some guy answers:
“Woah! Woah dude! You’re gonna need more bullets.”

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.

I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”

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What do you call a warehouse full of prostitutes?

Orifice Depot

Ocean full of Beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

What do you call a town full of pigs?

A hamlet

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

Hospitals are full of hypocrites

I doctor patients for weeks and no one bats an eye, but doctoring one little PhD is apparently crossing a line.

What do you call a shipping container full of snails?

Escargo

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Which day is full of shit?

SaTURDay

What do you call a crashing plane full of nudists?

In descent.

I ended up in a party full of World Health Organisation medics.

Apparently I'd gone to the wrong Doctor WHO convention.

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

You hear about the French baker who fell into his mixer while it was full of dough.

He was in a lot of pain.

What do you call a swindler full of himself who is walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

What's the difference between a train wagon full of babies and a train wagon full of sand?

You can't unload sand using pitchforks.

What do you call a train full of toffee?

a chew chew train :D

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Three men are stranded on an island full of cannibals.

They are each told to go into the forest and bring back ten of any fruit.

The first man returns carrying kiwis and is told that if he can fit all of them into his ass without making a sound, he will be allowed to live. He manages to get four in, but on the fifth, he gasps and is taken off to ...

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

Poland is full of Poles

Holland is full of Holes

How do you address an audience full of dried seeds?

"Ladies and lentil-men...."

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

Hell is probably full of Christians.

Just like American prisons.

Why is r/Tinder so full of pickup lines?

cuz redditors can't get any further in the conversation

What do you call a Coke bottle full of bees?

A redneck vibrator.

Wow, this vein is full of ore!

That's probably why he died.

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

But then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

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Woodstock was full of hippies, high-potency drugs and all-day music

At night it was fucking in tents.

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My housemates are full of shit.

Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.

I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.

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What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of shit?

A skeptic tank

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What's stiff and full of semen!

A dead hooker.

What do you call a roof full of medicine?

A drug attic!

Did you hear about the plate full of salads that was sent to the wrong table?

Lettuce tray was led astray.

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Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...

Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

Two thieves were looking to steal a briefcase of money in a room full of luggage.

The first thief picked one up and asked “Is this it?”

The second thief replied “It seems to be the case.”

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What is the difference between a bag full of shit and Putin?

The Bag

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

A female cricket walks into a room full of male crickets

\*crickets\*

What do you call a rectangle that’s full of blood?

An erectangle


(Came up with this in math class lol)

What do you call a city full of vegans?

Las Vegans


(badum tsss)

Wife: I have a bag full of used cloths I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your cloths is not starving.

My wife gave out to me this morning, because our fridge was full of stir fry.

Oh god I must have being sleep wokking again.

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

What's the difference between the jokes on r/jokes and a class full of antivax kids?

You won't see the kids again next year.

Reddit might be a toxic cesspool full of degenerates and racists...

But at least there is free cake.

What do you call a Concert Hall full of Belle Delphine fans?

A Simphony.

what do you call a cruise full of college graduates?













(a Scholar-ship)

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

What do you call an airplane full of bald people?

Receding airlines...

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