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Flailing Jokes

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her...

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My favorite clean joke

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first i...

A chicken and a horse become best friends on their farm.

Every day, they go out walking together, talking, laughing and generally enjoying each other's company. One day, they happen to wander too closely to a sinkhole, and the horse falls in. As the horse flails about, the chicken looks around desperately, trying to figure out how to save her friend. That...

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

Horseback riding gone wrong

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b...

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

“What, did you *come* here to die?”

The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”

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Three men are walking down a beach when they find a lamp buried in the sand.

They dig up the lamp, brush it off, and poof! a genie appears.

"I shall grant each of you three wishes," the genie intones.

The first guy wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof! Wish granted.

The second guy also wishes for unlimited wealth. Poof!

The third guy starts flailing ...

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather.

Not screaming and flailing about, like his passengers.

help shark

The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"

i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

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Little Johnny was in class one friday.....

The teacher said we'll play a game, whoever answers my questions correctly can leave early for the weekend. The first question was, who started a speech with "four score and seven years ago "? Several kids raised their hand and little Johnny was waving his hand frantically in the back of the class....

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy...

Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and...

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

An admiral and a general go fishing...

In a small rowboat out on the lake. A large fish pulls on the line, and the boat flips over. The general starts to swim to shore, but the admiral starts screaming "help, help, help!" and flailing in the water. The general goes over to him, grabs hold, and swims him back to dry land.

Once ther...

Ever heard of Spontaneous Human Combustion?

I have a friend named Sally. Well... she's not really a friend, but I knew her in high school. Anyways, one day she went out shopping. As she was strolling through the aisles, her arm caught fire! Just her arm and nothing else. It was a fascinating sight to see. A young woman flailing about the cere...

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Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the ...

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The Misleading Concert Title

A man is listening to a march by Elgar. As the music grows louder, he starts standing up, shaking and flailing his arms.

The concertgoers aver "Sit down! Sit down!". As the music dies down, he eventually sits down.

Then the music starts building up again, and this time he stands up wit...

Oldie - the monkey and the iguana

One day iguana is walking through the forest and sees monkey up in a tree just puffing away on a big joint. Iguana yells up, "Hey monkey, can a brotha get a hit of that?" Monkey looks down and says, "Sure little dude come on up." So iguana and monkey sit in the tree and finish off the giant splif...

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The curse of the forest

One guy goes out in the forest hunting. He spots a peculiar looking deer and shoots at it mortally wounding it . As the deer draws his last breath, a shaman comes out running of the woods and starts yelling at the guy that the deer was a very special deer and that he'd been cursed now by the spirits...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, wh...

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My Old Teammate Ron.

So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy wa...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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Veronica wants to have sex...

Veronica was a swet girl, but unfortunately she was born with no arms or legs.

Every year her family would goto the beach for vaction. Veronica would sadly watch her family have fun in the ocean.

When Veronica was a fifteen she met a nice boy on the beach named Ben that didnt seem to m...

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St. Peter is at the pearly gates and decides no one is getting in unless he hears how they died...

So the first guy steps up and St. peter asks "Alright, how did you die?"

The guy says "Well, I've had a hunch for a while now that my wife has been cheating on me. So I decide I'm going to come home from work early and catch her in the act. I get to our apartment building and I'm so fired up ...

Stranded on an Island

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every las...

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A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

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