Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

What is the fastest way to stop a verbal fight between deaf people?

Turn the lights off.

[Original] Which country has the 2nd fastest growing capital?

Ireland, it's Dublin and Dublin every year. But which country has the fastest growing capital?





Libya, it's Tripoli every year.

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One doctor was known as the fastest in the West. He would be done before the nerves sent pain signals. Someone challenged him to cut of a patients leg in 1 second. He sawed briskly but ended cutting off the patient's testicle.

He got the sack.

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What the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

You pull down its genes

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

What is the fastest car in the world?

A rental.

What's the fastest way to become a millionaire?

Be a billionaire and start an airline.





^((airlines is one of the riskiest business industry))

Who are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims, they went through more than 50 stories in less than 10 seconds!

What’s the fastest fluid?

Milk. It’s pasteurised before you see it!

Want to know that fastest way to lose weight?

Amputation

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

What kind of horse is the fastest?

>! A pregnant one, because it has 2 horsepower !<

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

When you were the fastest sperm

but now you're slow af.

Which whales have the fastest websites?

Cachalots

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

Why is Usain Bolt have the fastest man on Earth?

Because it runs in the family.

What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl?

Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.

Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says “The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head”

The second man says “The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly”

The third man thinks for a second and says “you are b...

A man asked what was the fastest way to the next town.

“Are you going by car or are you going to walk?”he said.”I’m going by car” he replied.”That would be the fastest way then”

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

Who is the fastest rapper in the middle east?

Salim Shady

3 Kids are arguing about who's dad is the fastest...

At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...


Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.


He is a professional archer. ...

What is the fastest type of wind?

A Hurrycane

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

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Your butthole closing after you take a poop is the second fastest known reaction in the world

The splash of water that races in is the first

What's the fastest form of communication?

Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.

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A few guys were sitting around arguing about what the fastest thing in the world is

The first guy says, “I think it’s a thought because you just think and it’s right there”

The second guy says, “I think it’s blinking because you hardly notice it’s happening before it’s over”

The third man says, “I think it’s light. When you flip a light switch the lights immediately t...

What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.





\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

Who were the fastest runners ever?

Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

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The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

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"What is the fastest thing you know?"

"What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.

Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interv...

What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat

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Fastest Ever

On a typical COVID free for the boys day, Tom, Bob, and Joe are at the bar having a nice civil discussion on what the single fastest speed on the universe is. Bob outright says "the speed of lightning! Ain't nothing faster than the god of thunders toy". Tom being the scientist that he is doesn't hes...

What’s the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?

At a scallop.

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Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

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The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

What do you say if you lost the world's fastest runner?

U-seen-bolt?

What is the fastest way to learn surviving a car crash?

A crash course

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships

It’s because they have a really high R number

What’s the fastest land mammal?

A toddler that has been asked what is in their mouth.

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The worlds fastest masturbator died yesterday

Wrist. In. Peace

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

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The fastest thing in existence.

Three friends, sitting around a table, enjoying a little time together over a couple of drinks.

At some point, one says:

"The fastest thing there is? Thought. Only takes a moment and there it is: an idea.''

"Nope. Electricity is the fastest thing there is; a flick of a switch a...

What is the fastest way to shepherd’s bush?

Up shepherds leg

I was the fastest track star ever

But I smelled horribly as a result no one wanted to be near me.

When asked what was my secret my response was I GOT THE RUNS!

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Stabbing him in the chest

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

A lost man asked a stranger what's the fastest way to the hospital?

The stranger replied: close your eyes and cross the street.

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world.

I said "Really?"

She said, "Yes."

Russian Joke - what is the fastest thing you know

Teacher asks students what is the fastest thing they know.

Olya says: "Light is the fastest, you flip a switch, and there it is, very fast"

Teacher: "Good job, anyone else?"

Petya says: "Words are fast. You speak it, and people hear you in an instant"

Teacher: "Anyone el...

What's the fastest way to make your wife angry?

Refer to them as your ex-girlfriend

What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?

Step 1: become a billionaire.

Step 2: buy an EA game.

The slowest people have the fastest comebacks

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear v...

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

Which place has the shortest days

Italy as it turns on its axis the fastest.

Do you want to hear the fastest joke in the world?

Do you want to hear it again?

What do you call a three hump camel?

The fastest camel alive.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

What's the fastest ride at the carnival?

You would think it would be the roller coaster.

But really the carousel has the most horse power.

What’s the fastest cake?

Scone

Right I did my job on my cake day now you do yours

What's the fastest thing in the world

I'm not sure. I couldn't see it.

What's the fastest way to become the greatest Dictator in the world?

Fail art school.

What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

The fastest chicken

There was once a mountain village in which a certain chicken had unparalleled speed. It boasted to be even quicker than demonic beasts. The owner often bragged to people, saying that his chicken was the fastest.”

A rich man came to the village and fell in love with the chicken at first sight....

What's the fastest spinning country?

France, because it has the most revolutions per minute.

If the second's hand is the fastest hand on a clock...

...why isn't it first?

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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The fastest thing in the world

Four men go for a job interview.

The first one is called into the office, and the boss asks him a question: "What's the fastest thing in the world?"

The man thinks for a moment before answering, and finally says, "A thought!"

"Interesting answer," says the boss.

"Yeah, ...

[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

Why couldn’t the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?

No Flash photography.

Who reads the fastest? ..... A suicide jumper....

Because he can finish 88 stories in 2 seconds flat.

What’s the fastest way to get children to sleep?

Just drop them a couple of storeys.

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

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The fastest thing in the world

Three old rednecks were sitting in their favorite bar. They'd been drinking for awhile when they started a lively debate on what the fastest thing in the world could be.

The first redneck says, "Well, I think the fastest thing in the world is thinking. 'Cause I can think 'bout a million thoug...

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