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When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

A hypochondriac goes to his doctor

Hypochondriac: Doctor, I have no idea what’s wrong with me but I’m in pain everywhere on my body. My stomach hurts. My bones and joints hurt. I’m always nauseous. I always have a splitting headache. I’ve come to you for years and you keep telling me there’s nothing wrong but I FEEL like there is som...

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"Captain, I've lost my rifle!"

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private.
He says "If any enemies show themselves, just point ...

Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

“Let’s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then we’ll meet back up and share experiences.”

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...

Mr. Stark, I'm not feeling so good...

Rene Descartes get home from work.

Wife: You forgot groceries again!?

Descartes: I'm sorry honey, I wasn't thinking.

*Descartes slowly fades from existence*

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Not Worth His Time. [long]

An insurance tycoon is on his deathbed in a vast lavish mansion. His final minutes tick by. His wife and children work away on funeral arrangements in the next room and speculate about their inheritance. His only company is a Young Attorney.

He struggles to wheeze out some final words to the ...

A nun, a blonde girl, a German and a Dutch sit together in a train compartment.

The train goes through a tunnel, it gets dark. A loud slap can be heard, an outcry follows it. As the darkness fades a big red mark can be seen on the Dutch guys face.

The Dutch thinks to himself "The German guy must have tried to grope the blonde, but she mistook us in the dark and hit me i...

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

There is a family of potatoes, and one day...

There is a family of potatoes, and one day the eldest daughter walks in the front door, and exclaims "Daddy, Daddy, I'm getting married!" The father asks who she is marrying and she tells him she is getting married to a Yukon Gold. They father gets a big smile on his face and says "That is a amazing...

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pede...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

The hot horseshoe

A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the...

A flash flood warning is broadcasted. The streets fill with water, and people begin to evacuate—except for one Catholic woman.

She stays in her home and prays. A bus pulls up to her house, and the driver urges her to get out, but she replies, “No. God will save me.” The bus driver reluctantly pulls away.

Water begins pooling into her house, and she calmly rises to the second floor.

Through the window, she sees...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

The man once renowned, now…

Salomon Elliot is a notorious man from the familia, and ain’t no one ever cross the man. His name shakes fear into his foes and demands respect from his henchmen, wide across the Hudson and down even to the beaches of Miami.

After years of blood on his hands and the helpless cries of this fa...

Albert Einstein's final words

Lying on his death bed at Princeton Hospital in New Jersey, Einstein starts to write letters to his family, friends and work colleagues.

The first letter writes: "To my children, know that I am ready to die. I have lived a good and meaningful life and I wish to fade into what comes next eleg...

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Stranded on a deserted island

A Catholic priest is stranded on a deserted island. A man happens to row by the island, and invites the priest to hop in. "Alas, for I cannot accept your charity. My God is kind, and He shall provide."

A few days later, another rowboat happens by, this time piloted by a very attractive woman....

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.



As good as ...

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