UPJOKE

Eyes Closed Jokes

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9 out of 10 men keep their eyes closed during sex

I have to keep mine open to look out for my wife

As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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Why do women like to have sex with their eyes closed?

Because they can’t stand to see their husband enjoy themselves.

My dad's doctor told me he could perform surgery with his eyes closed.

But he didn't say anything about succeeding.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed....

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

What do you call milk that comes from cows with their eyes closed?

Concentrated milk

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered "You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow."

"Thanks," said the doctor, "I've just never seen a vagina this ugly."

Marriage

A priest and a nun were lost in a blizzard. After a while, they came upon a small cabin.

Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor – but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll ...

"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.

"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horny rooster.

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning,...

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A man is driving back home with a smile

His wife had promised him sex once he returned home. Half way there he had a brilliant idea. He pulled up to the side of the road, layed under his car so it would look like he is fixing something, closed his eyes, thought of his wife and started to masturbate. A few minutes go by and the man suddenl...

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

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Wonder Woman is laying on the beach naked.

Superman flys over and sees Wonder Woman speed eagle and naked with her eyes closed. Superman says to himself, "I bet I can fly down there and bust a nut in her before she even realizes what happened.

He decides to go for it. He flys down and super bangs her faster than a speeding bullet an...

How do know you are ugly?

Your dog keeps it's eyes closed whilst humping your leg

Billy's dead canary

Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling in...

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You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

My dad always said

"don't be mad 'cause you're ugly. Be mad 'cause it'll never go away. BUT, if you're gonna be ugly, at least be funny. Because the longer they laugh, the longer they keep their eyes closed."

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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he di...

Wrecking a car is so easy. How easy you may ask?

I can do it with my eyes closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek...

Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

My wife told me she wants me to see other people

I told her not to worry, I drive with my eyes closed all the time

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

My friend was telling me about how hard it is for him to fall asleep.

I laughed. "Pssht. Sleeping's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed."

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