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911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

911, whats your emergency?

Operator: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.

Operator: What’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus street.

Operator: Can you spell that out for me?

Man: (long awkward pause)

Operator: Sir? Are you there?
...

Karen's 911 call

Karen was cleaning Kyle's rifle and shot him by accident. She calls 911.

"It's my husband," said Karen. "I've accidentally shot him... I've killed him," she sobbed.

"Please calm down, ma'am," the 911 operator tried to sooth her. "Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"
...

A guy calls 911 in a panic.

“My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!”

“Calm down,” the 911 operator says. “Is this her first child?”

“No, you idiot!” the guy shouts. “This is her husband!”

What's the difference between 999 and 911?

999 starts by asking for the address to send the ambulance to, 911 starts by asking for the billing address.

911: what's your emergency?

**pig:** a wolf just blew my house down!

**911:** HOLY SHI—

**pig:** I know right?

**911 [covering phone]:** Frank, theres a talking pig on the other line

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She didn't know where the 11 was.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

911, where is your emergency?

Damn, she gave me the wrong number

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”.

The operator asked, “Where are you? ”

The blonde answered, “At my house”.

The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?”.

The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911?

What's your emergency?

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

Husband calls 911.

\- Please send an ambulance immediately. My wife is about to give birth.

\- Is THIS her first baby?

\- No, I am her husband.

A person calls 911

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I saw a black guy get shot!

Operator: Did you get the shooter's badge number?

Why are 911 survivors the fastest readers?

They went through 87 stories in 7 seconds

Hunter

2 men are hunting and one of them trips and accidentally shoots his friend in the back.
He immediately called 911 and says
“YES? Hello!? I’m out hunting and I accidentally shot my pal and he doesn’t look too good! I think he may be dead!?”
The operator says
“Sir! Calm down. First thi...

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."


She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she ...

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a police officer on the news and he said "we will never forget about 911"

I thought, you better not, it's your fucking phone number.

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

Bubba and Roy were hiking through the forest when Roy suddenly had the urge to take a leak.

He unzips his pants and by the time a good stream started, a rattlesnake popped up out of the grass and bit Roy right on the head of his pecker.

Roy stumbled away and screamed for Bubba, who came running over. Roy quickly explained what had happened and the shocked Bubba grabbed his phone and...

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

A man receives a call

A man receives a call at work

His boss asks him, "Who was that?"

"Just some random guy"

"Call him back NOW!" The man calls...

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance

Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"

911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"

An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."

"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!

911: How do you know he was a painter?

Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

The only jokes we aren’t allowed to tell are 911 jokes

Saying one of those would bring the whole building down

A bunch of politicians were on a road trip...

....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.

About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to...

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls 911 because he thinks his wife is dead...

The operator asks: 'How do you know she's dead?'

He says: 'Well the sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up...'

Fighting buddies

There were 3 oddly named friends, Somebody, Nobody and Oncrack. One day, an argument broke between Somebody & Nobody. The argument escalated, and a serious fight broke out. Oncrack tried to stop but couldn't succeed. Blood started dripping in the fight. OnCrack immediately thought of calling cop...

Me: Hello 911

Operator: hello what's your emergency

Me: these men won't stop laughing at me

Operator: that's annoying but it's not a crime

Me: wtf is manslaughter then

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

A Polish man calls 911

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Pole: Help! My wife is trying to kill me!

Operator: How do you know?

Pole: I checked her medicine cabinet and found Polish remover!

A husband's wife is going into labour, so he decides to call 911...

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Responder: No this is her husband.

A man calls 911 to report a murder

Operator: who is the victim

Man: one of my family members

Operator: who is the perpetrator?

Man: another family member

Operator: where did this happen?

Man: in my house

Operator: and when did the murder take place?

Man: i don't know, some time betwe...

A 911 operator answers the phone and a man answers.

911- "911, what's your emergency?"

Man-"Yes, there are 2 girls fighting over me right now."

911- "Sir, I don't see how this qualifies as an emergency"

Man- "The ugly one is winning"

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

911 operator: What’s your emergency?

Me: Um, I think my crush gave me the wrong number.
911 operator: Well, what number did she give you?
Me: this one

911 What's your emergency?

**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!

**911:** Did you check your pockets?

**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman is in her upstairs bathroom. She looks out the window and sees a gorilla watching her.

She calls 911, fire department, police, no one can help. She goes on google and finds John's gorilla removal service. he comes right out. He ties a pitbull to the base of the tree. He gets a sawed off shotgun out of the van, and gives it to the old woman. He gets a ladder and begins to climb the tre...

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

Woman calls 911

**911 operator:** What is your emergency?
**Woman:** Our maid is stealing from us!
**911 operator:** Did you catch her stealing?
**Woman:** Yes! I came home from the store and found my husband pulling beads out of her ass!

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously.

I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

"911 What Is Your Emergency?"

"For God's sake! Run here in my home, that a cat entered and a tragedy will happen!"

"A cat? Do you mean a thief?"

"No, a cat that meows!"

"But sir, a cat is harmless, unable to do any evil to anyone."

"For God's sake, he will kill me if you don't come, please run that th...

Why can the Tesla cybertruck go faster than a Porsche 911?

It renders faster

A woman drives a car

A blonde woman drives a car and hits a cop. She stops and checks if he's still alive, no vital signs. Panicked, she calls the emergency service.



W: *Hello, is this 911?*



D: *Yes, this is 911, what's your emergency?*



W: *You're now 910.*

A blonde accidentally starts a fire and then calls 911

Phone operator: hello, what is you’re
emergency?

Blonde: Help my house is on fire!

Phone operator: please remain calm, how do we get there?

Blonde: in a big red truck, duh

Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Ben has diabetes.

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is o...

Who are the world's fastest reader...

911 victims they went through 101 stories in 9.2 seconds

Calling 9-1-1

A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work to relax and have a beer. Unfortunately there is a big group of young men crowded into the bar laughing loudly and carrying on. Finally, in exasperation, the guy calls 9-1-1. "Hello, 911, what is your emergency?" the dispatcher asks. "These men won’t ...

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

Play it cool...

(Phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?

Me: I always answer on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: (rolling eyes) Fine, (picks up phone) 911 what's your emergency.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

- Dog’s 911: What is your emergency?

- Dog: The boy threw me the ball and I can’t find it.
- Dog’s 911: Have you checked he doesn’t have it in his hand?
- Dog: Of course I check...Shit!

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911..

AND 9/11

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

911?

Husband: "Hello, 911? Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."

911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies are out hiking in the woods. One goes to take a piss, and gets bit in the dick by a rattlesnake

His buddy calls 911 to ask what to do

911 tells him he needs to suck the venom out of the snakebite on his friend’s dick

The snakebite guy yells out “what did they say!?!?”

His friend responds, “they said you’re gonna die”

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

A man calls 911..

Operator-"911"

Man- " I need police here now. I've got two women fighting over me!!!"

Operator-" Well,what's wrong with that?!"

Man- "The ugly one is winning."

I got sacked on my first day as a 911 dispatcher...

I got a call saying "officer down, officer down"

I said "aw, what's up buddy, I'll cheer you up"

Doctor after 911

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn�t you call the 911 number and get ...

"911 "

"Hello my wife was cookin dinner and she fell" says the husband

"What's the emergency?"

The huband replies " how do I know when the rice is ready?"

Bubba Calls 911

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Bubba replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause and finally B...

911

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11.
Pretty hard too, I would think, considering it's your phone number!

I used to be a 911 operator but I quit...

It just wasn't my calling.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed; sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as he’s dialing 911, his six year old son runs up to him and says, “Daddy! Daddy! ...

A man loses his toe in an unfortunate accident and calls 911.

They rush him to the hospital, where he is brought to the operating room for surgical reattachment.

He wakes up some hours later in the recovery room and sees the doctor waiting at the foot of his bed, looking uncomfortable.

“Doctor? How’d it go?” he asked.

“Well... I have good ...

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"   "Is this her first child?" asks the operator.   "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

An unknown number calls a man at work.

He immediately hangs up without saying anything.



His boss watches him do this and asks, "Why did you hang up?"



The man answers, "I didn't know the number".



His boss, seething with rage, shouts "CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW".



The man complie...

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location?

Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix

911: Can you spell that?

Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

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