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I overheard my neighbor having sex

I thought I overheard my neighbor having sex. Actually, her mom came for a visit and fell. She was trying to get my attention by banging her cane on the wall. Now I feel bad for masturbating to it.

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

True story… three days into the pnw heatwave I overheard a coworker and his client talking about how they were dealing with the heat…

Client: “I had to spend the last three days at my girlfriends apartment” Coworker: “Oh, does she have air conditioning” Client: “No… Only Fans.”

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

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Overheard

This guy is in a restaurant and he hears another dude w a thick accent talking in the next booth.

He stares down into his plate of eggs and the guy behind him goes

"Emma cum first, then I cum"

And he reaches for the pepper and the guy is still talking

"Then the two asses...

Overheard a tweaker proudly talking about his dog...

I couldn't hear him too well but it sounded like some kind of new mixed-breed dog he called a Meth Lab. I didn't get many details on the new mixed-breed but I did hear him say it could be dangerous. Oh, and it must be fast because its name was Shake 'n Bake. Everybody knows you don't sully the na...

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

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My grandfather overheard me say I was tripping balls yesterday

He responded “I tripped over my balls yesterday too.”

Overheard a 4th grader tell this one...

What’s your nationality when you’re in the bathroom?

European

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

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My wife overheard me having phone sex yesterday. She stormed into the room demanding answers

I told her it wasn’t anyone she knew but it was SiriOS.

So A girl got cheated on....

I overheard her complaining to her friends about how all men are pigs. She then said men just f*** Anything that walks. So I turn around, look at her teary eyes and i tell her that's a lie. Men also f*** women who can't walk.

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

OVERHEARD: "My father was a Republican until the day he died..

Then he became a Democrat."

(Overheard at work) I'm not saying 2020 has been a long year...

But we just celebrated my son's third birthday and he was born in January.

A true joke overheard today.

I work in hospitality at a hotel.

Walking by the pool, dad says to his little girl, "tell daddy a joke"
Little girl says "I climbed into Mommy's bed last night because I had to fart a lot.
Why? Asks Dad ..
Because Mommy farts there all the time, so that's where we go to fart right?<...

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind"...

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Overheard the neighbors kid

You're on a unicorn. Behind you there is a big bear, on one side a roaring lion, on the other side a charging elephant, and in front of you a dragon. How do you get out of this alive?

Get your drunk ass off the Merrygoround!!!!

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put together a birthday party for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

A man and his son were talking.

'Dad, what's your favourite superpower?' - Son

'Hindsight' - Man

'But dad, that's not even a power' - Son

'Yes, I see that now' - Man

Overheard this in a restaurant today and it cracked me up.

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

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I overheard a man in the changing room

I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!"

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

W...

A guy in a bar overheard someone say: "If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."

Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left.

It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting "I want to succeed! I want to succeed!".

After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says:
"Ok man, ok... I'm Sid."

Overheard a supervisor talking to a coworker

Supervisor: The more comfortable you get, the more mistakes you'll make.

Me: Man, my parents must have been really comfortable in the summer of '76.

At the airport check-in counter

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this ...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."

Two men sat down at a German restaurant for a 10 course meal.

After six of the courses had come out, one of the men remarked to the other "I wonder when the sausages are going to be served.".

The waiter overheard and assured the men that the sausages were coming out eventually by saying "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come.".

I overheard my wife and her friends talking about how great their husbands are

My wife said that while I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she does sleep with the most handsome man in the neighborhood.


And as soon as I find out who he is I’ll break his goddamn neck!

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

I overheard my wife singing in the shower.

"You should go on America's Got Talent," I told her.

"I can't sing," she replied.

I said, "Exactly."

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

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I've just overheard my wife talking to her friend on the phone.

"I can't wait for Monday night, it's going to be the best sex ever!"

What a silly cunt.
Clearly she's forgotten that I'm going away on a business trip.

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When I traveled to London last summer I overheard a couple in a cafe. Girl goes, "I can’t be arsed today. I’m on my period!"

"Well, that's a bloody problem." he says.

I overheard something about a guy who died in a surgery

I guess his heart wasn’t in the right place.

Overheard during lunch

How is that your name is Melody but all that's coming out from you is noise?

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Overheard on two guys unloading a truck the other day

Guy 1: What's the difference between mortar mix and cement mix?

Guy 2: I dunno what?

Guy 1: I wasnt telling a fucking joke I want to know the difference!

So I just overheard my mom ask my dad for a sip of wine.

His response: “Ok, Mississippi.

I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?

Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!

Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.<...

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I overheard 2 guys talking

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, ​“Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. ​She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​ I just don'...

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Utterly distraught, Sarah calls her best friend Carol.

"I-I w-was so convinced that my marriage with Ben was perfect, but n-n-ow I found out that he is cheating on me with another man"

"That's shocking!", Carol answers "Who is it?"

"I d-don't even know him. I only know that his name is Tom"

"Tom?"

"Y-yes, I overheard him cha...

I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. “You know the thing about dating now is...”

“I never get to meet their parents!”

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I overheard a joke a man told to his girlfriend

He said "Knock knock"
She responded with "Who's there?"
"Marry"
"Marry who?"
"Marry me"
She was very surprised, and said yes to him.

&nbsp;

I decided to try this joke on my own girlfriend.
So I said "Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Marry" ...

My girlfriend and I overheard a Whitney Houston song.

She says “Man, Whitney had some pipes on her.”

I say “Pretty sure that’s how she died, right?”

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Hallowee...

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

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A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

I once overheard my Ex tell her best friend that i was a stalker

It nearly made me mad enough to come out of the closet and give her a piece of my mind.

I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

I overheard Oedipus swearing like a sailor...

...so I asked him, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

One evening a father overheard his daughter saying her prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his daughter saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting mor...

I just overheard a co-worker announce she got tickets to a Nickelback concert.

That's all, she was completely serious.

Overheard this in the train, not a joke per se, but I found it funny

>Two dudes were talking about moving to US so the first dude's child will have an American education.

Dude1: My wife and I were thinking that we should move to the US so our kid will have an American education?

Dude2: You dont want to do that.

Dude1: Why?

Dude2: You a...

I overheard it was my co-worker’s birthday tomorrow so I wished her a happy birthday eve.

She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.

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LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

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Overheard in a hospital..

Nurse: 'Sir, I've had word from the proctology department that they're just about done with your shit. You need to drop by in a week so they can give you the results'

Patient: 'A week!? Are they taking the piss?'

Nurse: 'No sir, that would be urology. They should be calling you tomorro...

I overheard my mum and dad arguing about who had blocked the toilet.

I tried to resolve the situation, but I wish I hadn't stuck my nose in.

Overheard a conversation with the other guy saying "...good I might"

Couldn't help but wish the lad a good day as well.

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

The Helicopter Ride

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, t...

Overheard in a Subway the other day...

The Subway girl turned to the guy in front of me in the queue and said "Footlong?"

He answered, "Look lady, you're very attractive, but I'm not bending it in half for anybody"

Overheard this in a bookstore

Guy 1: "Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?"
Guy 2: (After some thinking) "I don't know, what?"
Guy 1: "The outside."

While I was cleaning the pool one hot day...

I overheard my college daughter’s friend:
Your dads hot!
Daughter: really??
I smiled
Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade

I overheard a girl telling her boyfriend how she wanted to be treated like a princess.

So I kidnapped the girlfriend and took her across 8 countries, locked her in a room, and told the boyfriend to come rescue her.

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Overheard two doctors in the emergency ward

They were discussing a patient who had arrived with six plastic horses stuck in his rectum.
Described his condition as stable.

Overheard on the organ black market

"Got awful grammar? Buy this colon!"

I overheard an extremely perverted frog at the pond yesterday.

Kept saying "rubbit"

Just overheard a young boy tell his friend this joke

What do you call a corn dog with no legs?

A *corn dog*, stupid! Corn dogs don't have legs!

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One day, Johnny overheard his parents fighting....

... Later, he asked “What does ‘bitch’ and ‘bastard’ mean?” They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked, “What does ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ mean?” His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”
At supper the...

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Overheard some guy in the pub talking about my wife.

He said, "Her breath smells like rotten cheese, she's got a belly the size of Belgium, her hair is greasier than a deep fat fryer and she is awful in bed. But at least she's a good cook."

At which point I stepped in and said, "Are you fucking kidding me? She's a terrible cook."

The VA Doctors don't appreciate the nurses there. (Overheard this great joke while visiting Grandpa)

What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?

* A bullet can draw blood

* A bullet can be fired

* A bullet can only kill one person

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Overheard at the Gynecologist Office:

A blonde, a brunette & red head are waiting to be seen at the Gynecologist office. All three are pregnant. They start talking to eachother about their babies.

Brunette: I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex.

Redhead: Well, I was on the bottom during sex so I'm hav...

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I fucking missed again!"...

Overheard in the nucleus…

Q: Are you sure you're a proton?

A: Yes, I'm positive.

I overheard a guy complaining angrily about the NSA tracking him

Some people are so annoying when they have a chip on their shoulder.

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Porn is porn

So, I overheard this conversation in a hotel lobby:

A guest arrives in a hotel quite late, goes to the desk and ask for a room which he gets. The guest receives the keys, and goes off to his room. Just before taking the stairs he turns around and asks the clerk: "Oh just one question. Is the ...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

Overheard this at Grand Canyon.

"Why do they put chicken wire around these plants? Other guy:" To protect the chicken plants"

A dog is running awa

A dog is running away from a farm.
The pig asks him why?
The dog replies, "this family doesn't want me man, I'm out"
The pig says what do you mean, the humans always pet you, they take you in walks, you have free reign over the farm. To which the dog replies, "not even pig, all I get for ...

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In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go....

Little Johnny asks his mother, “Mom, can light be eaten?” His mother replied, “No, Johnny. Why?”

“Because I overheard dad telling Mrs. Smith next door to turn off the light and put it in her mouth.”

Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson

The teacher asks the class, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”

Little Mary says, “The science teacher is very intelligent.”

The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?”

Little Suzie says, “The ladies are very fashionable.”

Th...

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Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it

"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"

\-from a colleague

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

21 Today

A fella was sitting at a quiet bar enjoying a beer. He started singing the first two lines of the song "21 today, 21 today" over and over. The barman overheard and asked, "Hey mate are you really 21 today?" "Sure am!" He replied. The barman said "Your beers today are on the house! Enjoy!"

Aft...

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

A frog walks in to a pawn shop

And the owner, an Irishman named Paddy Mac, greets him. The frog takes out a small figurine, places it on the counter, and asks how much he can get for it. Paddy responds that he can’t give the frog anything for the cheap little tchotchke. The frog says, “But this *is* valuable; it was given to me b...

I think that cop had a great time yesterday

I overheard him say he was out all night clubbing

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For the first time in my life, I bought a lotto ticket, hoping for a Jackpot win of $70M.

In moments like this, I was taught to pray to St. Jude, and make a promise to donate some money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

I prayed as hard as I could, and I promised to donate $1,000,000 if I win the jackpot.

The next day I read the news. On the front page, it showed my neighb...

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Nikita Khrushchev sees his driver eating grass.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Sir, with the wages you've given me i can only feed my kids."

Khrushchev triples his wage.

Stalin's driver overheard this and decides to bite away at his lawn with a passion to elicit Stalin's empathy.

"What the hell are you doing?"
...

Two friends who met at a bar after a long time were discussing about their private life .

They were surprised to find that their girlfriends had a lot in common and even looked exactly the same except they had a different hair colour . Hence they excitedly came to a conclusion that their girlfriends must have been long lost twins .

The bartender who overheard their conversation ...

You probably need glasses.

- What?
- I SAID, YOU PROBABLY NEED GLASSES!
- Ohh... Yeah.
- Also a hearing aid.
- What?

Just overheard this in a local McDonald's

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

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THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"



"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you ho...

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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

What kind of trees are telephone poles made from?

Tall ones

Overheard from an old man at McDonald's

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Why do they call Joe Biden Walking Eagle?

While meeting with leaders of the Native American tribes, Donald Trump overheard them speaking to each other about "Walking Eagle."

Trump pulled one of the leaders aside and asked who "Walking Eagle" was.

"Oh," said the elder, "that's our name for Joe Biden."

Trump scowled. "Wh...

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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

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