What do you call a disabled gang member?

A crip

What do you call a disabled archer?

Legless

This morning I ran over three disabled children.

CRIPPLE KILL!

Lawyers

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity....

Doctor: *panic*

Disabled guy: Stands

Blind guy: “did he just stand?”

Deaf guy: “did he just see?”

Mute guy: “did he just hear?”

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A man walks into a hotel

Goes to the reception and books a room. He then goes up to his room and flicks through the channels on the tv, and is disgusted when he finds the porn channels. So he marched downstairs to the reception and demands that the porn channels be disabled. The person behind the counter quickly shouts back...

If you watch Jaws backwards....

It's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people .

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

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A man and his family are checking into a motel...

The father asks the clerk, "Can the porn be disabled in our room?" The clerk replies, "We only have regular porn, you sick bastard."

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Motel

A man checks into a motel. He asks for a queen bed and non smoking. The lady at the desk asks if he has any special requests. The man requests that the porn be disabled. The woman yells at the man "you sick bastard! We only have regular porn here!”

What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?

Special Forces

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to say no but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought “Fuck me, I might actually win this!”

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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"

The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"

A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm...

Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"

Bartender: "How much did it cost?"

Disabled Man: "A lot!"

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

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Porn is porn

So, I overheard this conversation in a hotel lobby:

A guest arrives in a hotel quite late, goes to the desk and ask for a room which he gets. The guest receives the keys, and goes off to his room. Just before taking the stairs he turns around and asks the clerk: "Oh just one question. Is the ...

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Hotel Porn

I'm a modest man. I checked into my hotel recently and told the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

She replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!”

If you kill a Disabled Guy...

Is it considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

I was gonna make an antimasker joke.

But my parents taught me to not make fun of the mentally disabled.

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

I made a joke about disabled people in my friend circle once.

My blind friend just sighed and told me it wasn't funny.

I guess she couldn't see the humor in it.

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A father, wife and their two children walk into a hotel.

The father goes to the front desk and says, "We don't need the full cable package and I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people

A vegetable garden

What is the biggest problem with capitalism?

**[PLEASE DISABLE YOUR AdBlocker TO SEE THIS CONTENT]**

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Miss. Piggy needs to go to the supermarket and so she borrows her boyfriend's car...

She gets to the supermarket but it's a Saturday, so it's quite busy. Having trouble finding a spot, she opts to park in the *Family/Disabled Parking* bays close to the store.

She only needs a few things, so she thinks that she will be quick enough that no-one will notice.

When she ret...

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Stephen Hawkins dick joke

The smartest man in the world literally went onto a stage and said
I can now get erections, the doctors disabled my pop up blocker

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A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

What do you call a disabled girl with gonorrhoea?

Handi-Clapped....

I don’t know if it’s an actual joke or I have created a masterpiece but here we are boys.

I saw anti-maskers in Wallmart recently and I laughed at them

But I remembered my parents told me not to make fun of mentally disabled people

Have you heard about that disabled comedian

he wasnt very good at stand-up

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There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

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A family checks into a hotel for a vacation...

with their two teenage boys. This will be the first vacation where the boys will have their own hotel room, and their parents are looking forward to some quality time together.

The father checks them all in and gives the two boys their keys. The father knows all too well what teenage boys are...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.

They got off Scott-free.

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...

But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.

Women are like parking spaces

All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one

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Two women complaining about their sex lives.

The first one said “my husband is 100% disabled since his dick doesn’t work anymore”. The second one said “my husband is 300% disabled since his dick doesn’t work, his fingers are cut, and his tongue is short”.

My New Job At A Nursery

I’d been working at my new nursery (day-care) for about a week when 3 new girls were joined us one morning. As I’d learned was the protocol when we had new kids join us, I quietened the kids down, arranged everyone in a circle before clearing my throat:

“Kids, we have some new girls joining u...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Disabled










I'm sorry, I know I'm a terrible person but I heard this and just had to share it.

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

Even people with learning disabilities and mental issues are able to get a job and make a living.

A great example of this excellent trait is the USA, where a disabled man is the president.

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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

What's dark humor?

A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?"

"See that disabled man over there?" She says

"But mom, I'm blind"


"Exactly, honey"

The New Secretary

Mr Robinson hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning she noticed that Mr Robinson's fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said "Mr Robinson, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark but later in the day noticed that his zipper...

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I just came home from Costco

I witnessed a man whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!

I said "You're a selfish bastard! The elderly, disabled, and parents of young children desperately need these types of things! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

H...

lawyer story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over tw...

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

What does the vegetarian cannibal eat?

Disabled people.

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What do you call a disabled paedophile?

Creepy crawly.

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Three disabled swimmers are competing in one tournament

First does not have legs, judges is asking him how he is going to swim he answers "You will see" and he is thrown into the water. He finishes the race using only his arms.
Second one does not have arms, again judge asks him how he is going to do it, he replies "You will see". He is jumps in to t...

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

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I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night.

I wanted my first time to be special.

What do you call a disabled person taking a sauna?

A steamed vegetable.

I had to disable the lane departure warning on my new car.

It kept going off at random times, for no reason, and it was distracting me from my texting.

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

My dad told me i act like a disabled person today.

I told him how much of an insult it was. Why would a disabled person want to be like me?

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

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A deeply Christian couple book into a hotel and say to the clerk....

"We hope the porn in the room is disabled?"

clerk replies "No it's just regular porn you sick bastards"

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I fucked my disabled sister in an elevator..

..that was wrong on so many levels.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

Disabled people are the worst at improv

They can make up a story but can't run with it

Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

Wheelchair

My disabled friend in a wheelchair always pranks me and makes of fun of me.

But everytime I try I can't seem to pull his leg.

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