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Disable Jokes

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What is it called when a disabled person is having sex?

Getting handiclapped.

What do you call a disabled gang member?

A crip

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A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

My disabled friend asked me once what I think his dream job was

I said "Stand-up comedian". After that day we never met again :(

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

My disabled girlfriend broke up with me a week ago.

So I took away her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

Why do the nurses at the blood donation clinic have autocorrect disabled?

Because they always want more type-o’s.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

My disabled friend is one of the best swimmers I have ever seen.

I never knew how good they were until after that first stroke.

After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...

The doctor walked in with the medical bill,

I couldn't stand to look at it.

What do you call a disabled girl with gonorrhoea?

Handi-Clapped....

I don’t know if it’s an actual joke or I have created a masterpiece but here we are boys.

My disabled friend wants to be a Band-Aid for Halloween but he’s got no arms…

I don’t know how he expects to pull it off

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A disabled veteran

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".

"Have you ever been in the military?"

"Yes, I serves two years in Iraq"

The interviewer says "that will give you ...

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Christian businessman asks the teenage receptionist, "is the porn in the hotel room disabled?"

She gives him a look of utter disgust and says, "no, it's just regular porn you weirdo."

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

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This Christian couple checks into a hotel and request that all the in-room porn be disabled.

The clerk says, “I’m sorry, we only have regular porn”.

YouTube disabled the dislike counter.

I would say that everyone disliked that, but I honestly can't tell.

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

If you kill a Disabled Guy...

Is it considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?

Special Forces

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

Why did the disabled driver had difficulty getting his Honda between the two stationary Toyotas?

He had Parallel Parkinson's disease.

Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...

But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.

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What do you call a disabled paedophile?

Creepy crawly.

To a disabled person in a wheelchair, who stole my invisibility cloak:

You can hide, but you can't run!

Disabled toilets...

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

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Is all your porn here disabled?

No it's regular porn you sick fuck.

What do you call a month with a disability?

*Augustic*

(I just made that up! How bad is it?...)

UPDATE - So it turns out ... it's really bad, apparently, like, bad-bad. BUT what if I phrased it:

**What do you call a disabled month?**

I had to disable the lane departure warning on my new car.

It kept going off at random times, for no reason, and it was distracting me from my texting.

A disabled man gets a parking ticket...

And he asks the parking attendant, "is this because I'm disabled?"

And the attendant says, "no, it's because of your parkin' sins."

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

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I lost my virginity to a disabled girl

I always wanted my first time to be special.

What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people

A vegetable garden

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I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?”
I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

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I fucked my disabled sister in an elevator..

..that was wrong on so many levels.

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as...

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I saw a sign that said disabled toilet

No one will help me find the button to enable it.

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Three disabled swimmers are competing in one tournament

First does not have legs, judges is asking him how he is going to swim he answers "You will see" and he is thrown into the water. He finishes the race using only his arms.
Second one does not have arms, again judge asks him how he is going to do it, he replies "You will see". He is jumps in to t...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

How do you start a disabled rave

Throw a flash bomb in a room full of kids with epilepsy

Disabled people are the worst at improv

They can make up a story but can't run with it

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

I made a joke about disabled people in my friend circle once.

My blind friend just sighed and told me it wasn't funny.

I guess she couldn't see the humor in it.

A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm...

Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"

Bartender: "How much did it cost?"

Disabled Man: "A lot!"

What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?

Cripple kill.

What do you call a American cop when he shoots a disabled homeless man?

An ambulance

Three disabled people walk into a bar.

Praise the Lord!!!

There was once a party for the disabled...

There was once a party for the disabled. A man with a wooden eye sees a women with a hare lip and is instantly attracted. He approaches her and asks if she would like to dance. She enthusiastically replies “Would I! Would I!”.
So that man replies “Hare lip! Hare lip!”

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

Even people with learning disabilities and mental issues are able to get a job and make a living.

A great example of this excellent trait is the USA, where a disabled man is the president.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and ...

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

I disabled my popup blocker earlier today...

...or as some people call it, got a divorce.

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helping the disabled

A guy goes jogging along a cliff face that over looks the ocean, and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench crying. He stops to make sure she's alright. "What's wrong." he asks. She looks up at him sobbing and says,"my entire life no one has ever hugged me." So the guy gives her a hug...

I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...

Finding out my spouse was disabled and incontinent...

Was a wife-changing experience.

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

My dad told me i act like a disabled person today.

I told him how much of an insult it was. Why would a disabled person want to be like me?

What did the physically disabled kid on a bike say to his mom?

Look mom, no hands!

What does a cannible use when eating a disabled person?

Vegetable slicer

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Why don't I have sex with disabled chicks?

I'll fuck anything that walks.

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

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Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?

Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.

Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.

Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the w...

What do you call a disabled man when he’s smoking pot at a casino?

A high roller.

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What do you call a disabled nun?

Virgin mobile

What do call a disabled farmer that puts down a horse?

A Hypocrite

I saw a documentary about disabled people

It wasn't too moving

I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled

It's crippling

Why do disabled people like living in Mississippi?

They get double the SSI

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

An elite military unit is now full of disabled people.

They call it the 'Special Forces'.

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