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Chelsea Jokes

How do you confuse a Chelsea fan?

Take them to London and ask them for directions.

What do the ministry of magic and Chelsea fc fans have in common?

They both find potter undesirable.

What do you say when you see a Chelsea winger strangling someone?

Choking Hazard

From 2004-2015, Chelsea FC had the best goalkeeper in the world

On second thought, Petr Cech that one

Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have a brother or sister?

Monica Lewinsky swallowed them.

Did Torres play for every other EPL club before Chelsea ?

.... Because he never celebrated scoring a goal.

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler, and Sarah Silverman walk into a bar...

Vagina!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bravest Football Fan

Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one req...

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...
"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass buildi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl from London has just gotten home from a nude photoshoot and is excited to tell her dad how it went...

"I'm so happy dad, the photographer said I had Kensington legs and Chelsea tits!"

Her father proudly responds "Just like your mum, she had her photos taken when she was younger too, the photographer said she had a Wapping fanny and a Barking arsehole"

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

Chelsea Clinton

Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "Thes...

The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England

Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Old Clinton joke

President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder.

As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, "you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?" ... "No sir, I have not. ...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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