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What's the difference between Mia Khalifa and Chelsea?

Mia Khalifa can handle 10 men at home.

From 2004-2015, Chelsea FC had the best goalkeeper in the world

On second thought, Petr Cech that one

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Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

A Chelsea.

(Told by a caller on Coast To Coast AM - 12/06/95.)

What do you say when you see a Chelsea winger strangling someone?

Choking Hazard

Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "Thes...

Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have a brother or sister?

Monica Lewinsky swallowed them.

Did Torres play for every other EPL club before Chelsea ?

.... Because he never celebrated scoring a goal.

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...
"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass buildi...

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter on the Whitehouse lawn, carrying two pigs.

A marine is there to greet him and says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton replies, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine says, "Nice trade, sir!"

The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England

Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.

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What did the squirrel say to his wife after she served him blueberries for dinner?

"Dammit Chelsea, I'm sick of these nasty blue balls you keep giving me... What do I have to do to get a nut around here?"

Old Clinton joke

President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder.

As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, "you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?" ... "No sir, I have not. ...

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The Bravest Football Fan

Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one req...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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