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Decisions Jokes

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

...

Ever since I turned 30 I started making bold decisions.

I really miss my hair.

Have you listened to Beethoven's song about bad decisions?

It's so not a good idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

What do you call someone who thinks they're right just because they make decisions?

An Ergomaniac.

Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content

Then again, I've seen Stranger Things

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

Elon Musk has been making bad decisions since getting his hairplugs

He needs toupee

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

A man dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says to the man, "There is really nothing extremely good nor bad about your life to determine your fate. You'll have to spend 24 hours in Heaven and in Hell, then choose where you wish to spend eternity."
The man thinks for a momen...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?

They can’t trust their gut

what do you call arnold Schwarzenegger when he is takes decisions ?

the determinator

How do one handed people make decisions?

Well, on the one hand...

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

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A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

I can proudly say that I'm the head of the family and whatever decisions I make are final

I even got my wife's permission to say so

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

"making decisions"

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
.
Student: Well...yes and no.

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do gays make bad decisions?

Because they're never thinking straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Scot reflects on life decisions

An old Scottish man sitting in a pub. Drunk off his ass and rambling.
"You see that church across the street? I build that church with me own two hands, but no one walks the town proclaiming, 'oh, there goes Magnus, the church-builder'.
And you see these windows? I put these windows in with me...

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

The day I let a dog make decisions for me

....Is the day I go blind.

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

women tend to make bad decisions when they're around me...

if they chose me instead it would be the best decision of their lives!

After coming out of hibernation the Philae Lander has some tough decisions.

Reserve that free Windows 10 upgrade or not...?

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a man name his penis?

Because he doesn't want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's one thing that always sticks up for you when you make bad decisions.

A boner.

Thank you very much.

Just a little math problem for everyone

You purchase a social media company for $45 billion. After you make a series of bad managerial decisions, your company loses a large portion of its ad revenue. What is the value of X?

When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt.

I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

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