I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?

They can’t trust their gut

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

I can proudly say that I'm the head of the family and whatever decisions I make are final

I even got my wife's permission to say so

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

Regarding r/internetexplorer's decision to go private.

In a display of unity, our subreddit has chosen to vehemently reject the staffing decision made by Reddit and will be going private. CEO Ellen Pao's decisions have negatively affected this site and we stand with the rest of Reddit in this timely matter.

Allergic reaction

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body. Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

In this family, I am the General, and my wife is the Major

Because my wife makes all the major decisions, while I decide on the general ones.

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

what do you call arnold Schwarzenegger when he is takes decisions ?

the determinator

How do one handed people make decisions?

Well, on the one hand...

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

Why was the big fat guy good at making decisions?

He could trust his gut

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

Key to a successful marriage

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, “When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it’s been all small decisions.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

John was going home

and saw a walking and talking door at his porch.

”Hey, what’s going on here”, John said, ”can you move a bit, I’m trying to get home.”

”Could you wait a minute? Can’t you see I’m in middle of selling a doorbell here.”

”Actually I make those decisions here, who are you talking to...

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

Some numbers are insulting each other

*i* to π : your decisions are so *irrational*

1 to *i:* your expectations are too *imaginary*

π to 1: you have an absolute *unit* of a beer belly

3 to -1: you are always so *negative*

*i* to 3: don't you think you're a little *odd*?

1 to 1/2: you are only but a *...

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

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