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Deal With Jokes

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

How does the Soylent Green factory deal with workplace misconduct?

Human Resources.

What's the deal with marriage?

It's like "I do" quickly turns into "I don't get how you can eat cereal like that."

What's the deal with Orions belt?

Waste of space!

Bad joke? Okay okay

3 stars

"What's the deal with the non-linear structure?", the bartender asks.

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

One of the many problems I deal with: I'm a Math addict

I just gotta get me sum.

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They sit down to work it out with a pencil.

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

What's the deal with airline food?

It's so plane.

LPT: How to Deal with Fat Jokes

Lighten up.

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Bullshit I can deal with

But horseshit? I say neigh

What's the deal with Neil Young?

I mean the guy is born in 1945. That's retirement age. Shouldn't he start calling himself Neil Old by now?

How did the zookeepers deal with reports of nudity in an enclosure?

They addressed the elephant in the room

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

What is the deal with strip club food?

It lacks dressing

How to deal with an anthill

Next time you have an anthill problem, here is what you do;

Grab yourself a can of black spray paint and cover the entire anthill in it. Then grab a stick or something of the sort and stir the paint in. Once all the ants realize they now live in a black neighborhood, they stop working and sta...

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

How to deal with annoying dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is s...

One thing I can’t deal with..

is a deck of cards glued together.

Why don't you make a deal with a good fisherman?

They always have a catch

What’s the deal with Furries? Haters think there’s nothing wrong with drawing cats.

But oh, when the cat becomes a femboy it’s suddenly a problem.

I recently told my doctor that I cannot deal with people without feet.

He says I'm lack toes intolerant.

It's fine though, because from what I hear, they cannot stand themselves.

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My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....

She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

What do you call a girl who is always considering surgery to deal with her weight problem?

A lipochondriac

So what's the deal with lampshades?

I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade ?

An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"

"Sure."

"Aren't you going to write it down so you...

What's the deal with racism?

You're not running a race.

Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with...

They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.

How do you deal with a bad umpire?

Two balls, one strike.

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

What's the deal with babies?

They're up in arms until they're up in arms!

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

How do you deal with an angry tree?

Ignore them, they are all bark and no bite

I plugged in a nightlight to deal with the monster under the bed.

Tonight it's reading Pet Sematary.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

What's the deal with Net Neutrality?

(This post has been blocked by your service provider)

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I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus...

They’ve gone into full loch down.

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I don't want to deal with shit from last year

Therefore, I just had my first poop in 2021

What's the deal with wet paper?

It's so tearible

What's the deal with Roman Catholics?

Why don't they just stay in one place?

What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures

(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

I heard Barcelona is ironing out a new deal with their best player.

It might get Messi

Two guys made a deal with each other about baseball.

Bill and Bob both really love baseball.

The two guys made a deal that whoever died first would have to come down from above and tell the other guy if there was baseball in heaven.

When Bill died, he came down to tell bob.

Bill: I have good news and bad news.

Bob: The g...

President Joe Biden was advised that he needed to assemble a new cabinet to deal with the Russia / Ukraine conflict

Coming back from IKEA, he realised he had greatly misunderstood the task given to him

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Have you ever thought "I don't want to deal with this shit today"

So you leave without wiping?

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

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You would not believe the shit I had to deal with today...

But at least my stomach's feeling better.

What’s the deal with this new thing called Fortnite?

Saw it a couple of weeks ago

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

What’s the deal with prisons and starting with the letter A...

I mean Alcatraz, Azkaban, Australia and Auschwitz.

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The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them…

It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…

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[NSFW] My girlfriend asked me what the hardest thing I had to deal with growing was....

My dad's cock.

What’s the deal with airline food?

Just because we’re high they think we’ll like it?

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

What’s the best way to not deal with annoying in-laws?

Marry an orphan.

You’re half a man Jerry. Just deal with it, I told him

He hopped away from the mirror

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.

I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments.

But it was cancelled.

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

My friend asked me what I do for a living. I told him I mostly deal with campers and toothed whales,

For all in tents and porpoises.

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

I don't get the deal with overprotective parents,

they clearly didn't use protection if they are parents.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

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So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, ...

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A man says “I sure hate having to deal with my wife”

His wife: “What the fuck, I’m right here!”

The man: “No, I meant my other one”

The German National Basketball team just signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with Nike

From now on the only sneakers they'll be wearing are Herr Jordan's

Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat.

We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

How does Sisyphus deal with his boulder falling down the mountain?

He just rolls with it.

I don't understand what the big deal with slavery was.

From the sounds of it, a lot of them were educated since so many of them had their Masters.

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

A bard wants to be more powerful and so he strikes a deal with a witch

The witch says she will only grant his wish if he gives her his first born son

The bard laughs and says “sure! Good luck finding him”

I deal with my personal problems the same way study for tests...

I don’t.

How does President Trump deal with outlaws?

He grabs them by the posse.

My wife said she couldn’t deal with my OCD anymore.

I said fine, open and close the door five times and leave.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

TIL: How to deal with a murder

Put up a scarecrow

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight..

..if you're not willing to deal with the reaper cushions.

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