A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

What should you do if you miss your mother-in-law?

Reload and try again.

My Ex said, she missed me

normally i'd say that's flattering

but she is already reloading.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

I missed my Mother-in-law

but I reloaded my Gun.

How do you reload a cardboard gun?

With paper clips.

My friends say that too much of today's news can be discouraging--they say my habit of constantly reloading the CNN app will make me depressed.

but I think it's refreshing.

How did Henry V reload his rifle?

Once more into the breech, dear friends

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"YOU FUCKED UP YOUR LAST McCHICKEN MOTHERFUCKERS!"

As the crazed man reloads his smoking rifle, I stare at my lifeless coworkers and utter, barely above a whisper; "Sir...this is a Wendy's..."

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

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Two friends go hunting

Two friends named Billy and Bobby decided to go hunting as the season had started.They got pretty far from where they left they car and time had past without finding anything so they decide to split up.After a while billy heard screaming from far away,he recognized the voice to be Bobby's so he spri...

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A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

Three hunters

A: My dog is so smart, he can spot an animal miles ahead.

B: My dog is so smart, he reloads my shotgun and lets me know when there's only one bullet left.

C: I know all about that.

A/B: How?

C: My dog told me.

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

I read this whole sub twice...

Without even needing to reload the page.

Smuggling done right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders."What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,empt...

Back in Soviet Russia...

...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothi...

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A man and his beautiful blonde wife liked to sunbath in the nude. On a trip to the Caribbean, the man fell asleep in the hot mid-day sun...

... while his wife was out shopping. Hours later he woke up with a terribly painful sunburn on his privates. The hotel medical attendant recommended applying cold milk to his penis to prevent blistering.

His wife came home to find her husband sitting with his member soaking in a large saucer ...

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Man trys nude sunbathing and burns his dick

He calls his friend who recommends he dunk it in a glass of milk to ease the pain. He goes into the kitchen totally naked, fills a glass full of cold milk and cautiously puts the tip in. Just at that moment his wife bursts through the door. She takes one look at him and says.

"Huh, so that's...

What do you do when you miss your mother in law?

Reload

Aim

Shoot again!

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I...

What do you do when you see your mother in law standing in front of your house?

Reload and try again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sunbathes nude and gets a sunburn on his penis

He goes to the doctor and asks him what to do.

His doctor says that he should put it in a saucer of milk for an hour a day for a week to help.

That night he decides to try it.

His wife comes home and sees him with his dick in some milk and says “oh I’ve always wondered how you r...

What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?

Reload.

(Thanks Bob Dylan via Theme Time Radio Hour)

What do you do if you see your stepmother hobbling around in the backyard?

Reload.

what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ?

stay calm . reload . and try again.

What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera?

A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.

A little boy asked his mother

"Mommy... why is daddy running in zig-zags in the back yard?"

"Shut up and reload!" she said.

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