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Catholics Jokes

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

whats the difference between Catholics and baptists?

Catholics drink on the front porch, baptists drink on the back porch.
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Why are Catholics so upbeat after religious services?

Because they convert Mass into energy.
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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions

Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins
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When I tell people my parents have 15 children, they ask me if they are practicing Catholics.

At this point, I don't think you call it practicing anymore.
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What do you call six Catholics on a bench

A Theocracy
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A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...
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Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.
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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...
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For the Catholics

A woman was taken into adultery and a group of men approached Jesus and said to him, "This woman was taken in adultery and by the law she should be stoned to death. But what say you?"

Jesus thought and said, "I say that he among you who is without sin should throw the first stone."

At ...

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...
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All Catholics matter....

Because they have Mass
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Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?

Because they have perfected when to pull out.

Why is it hard for Catholics to be vegan?

Because they eat meat every Sunday.
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What is large, white, lies at the bottom of the ocean, and eats Blacks, Catholics, and Jews?

Ku Klux Klam

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Catholics are fucking assholes.

And yours is next.

Why can't muggers catch Catholics during Lent?

They fast.
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Why are Catholics so anti abortion?

So they have a good supply of young children in their foster homes for the priests.
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How many Catholics would you catch on Tinder?

Absolutely nun.
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How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! They just stand in the dark and ask God what they did to deserve it!
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The Irish Catholics again.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church....

Why do Catholics make the best Communists?

They're fine with standing in line for bread.
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When can't Catholics travel at the speed of light?

When they have mass.

Why don’t Catholics do Bar Mitzvahs?

Their boys experience a manhood way before the age of 13.
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What do you call it when two Catholics have sex?

A Holy Fuck

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

What's the deal with Roman Catholics?

Why don't they just stay in one place?
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Do Catholics fail trigonometry...

cause they are afraid of sin?
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A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper...
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Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head
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Three Catholics walk into a bar...

...a priest, a thief and a paedophilie. The other two were sound, though.
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Catholics will get it :-)

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking,...
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