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According To Jokes

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

According to theology, if you commit 90 sins, you’ll only get caught half the time.

Because ….sin90 = cot45

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

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According to the old testament, homosexuality is fine as long as you're high.

Because it states that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

According to all the laws of aviation, it should be impossible for a bee to fly.

This is because no bee has filed a permit with the FAA.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

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According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

Stuck on a crossword.. “according to the saying, these should be seen but not heard” 8 letters, starts with a C.

I got it, Coldplay.

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According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...

They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

According to my dream journal, Scarlett Johansson has made 6 appearances this year.

But it might be 7, because some pages are stuck together.

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

According to scientists,

Infertility is hereditary. So, if your parents didn't have kids, then neither will you.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border.

The only issue is that they’re buried six feet deep.

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

According to my wife's diary,

I have boundary issues.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year...

Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rud...

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.

For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

According to historians, Julius Caesar was very religious in his later years.

Near the end of his reign, he became a holy man.

Best YO MAMA JOKE ACCORDING TO ME

yo mama is so stupid that she went for an archery contest and aimed for the ground and missed

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

Me: “According to Waze, someone got decapitated on the interstate”

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

According to Science

Alcohol is a solution.

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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According to the journal Nature ...

researchers at Kyoto University
in Japan have a chimpanzee that can remember the correct
sequence of five random numbers and performed about as well as
an average preschool child. [Unfortunately, now they have to
keep her separated from the rest of the chimps. She took all of
the...

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

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According to a recent study, women with large breasts have greater success in corporate world than

Men with large breasts.

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

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According to the vet, our dog is addicted to masturbation.

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

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So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

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Actual joke told during WW II according to comedian & historian David Schneider

A Jew is walking along a farm road and Hitler comes along driving a car. He sees the Jew and points a gun at him, ordering him to eat some cow shit in the field. So the Jew gets down on all fours and eats the cow shit. Hitler laughs so hard he drops the gun. The Jew grabs the gun and points it a...

According to some people, the US having a black president was

an Obama-nation.

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

According to this nutrition label...

I am a family of four

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

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According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.

It all happened after one guy changed his password.”

.

- Credit: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (a rare actually good joke by Fallon I heard while my mom was watching)

According to the institute for incomplete studies

9 out of 10 Americans.

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.

According to my bank account I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Assuming I die on Thursday.

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called, "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the very next day, I came across some road kill, so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious...

I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike...

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According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

Penises are out and Vaginas are in.

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If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

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According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

According to a recent study, being married is the fourth best thing that could happen to a man.

The first three, in order: being single, being a widower, being dead.

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What, according to Freud, comes between fear and sex?

...fünf.

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

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According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker...

...and take things as they come.

According to the laws of physics, the heavier you are...

the more attractive you are.

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According to some old myths, Birth marks show where you got killed in your last life

I didn't know getting stabbed in the ass was a way to kill someone

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TIL that according to Cunnilingus's Law the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.

[Source](https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Cunningham%27s_Law)

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