This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one from the 9th

The first one goes : thud...aaaaaaaah and whereas the other goes aaaaaaaah...thud

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just sh...

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

True story.....Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS

, SouthCarolina bikers were riding East on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the r...

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

A few months ago, a time traveller ran up to someone and shouts "I need you to say the 9th letter of the alphabet and the German founder of the philosophical doctrine of transcendental idealism, or the world will fall into chaos!"

...I Kant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist that I’m afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letter of the alphabet.

“Oh, I see”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

when my dad and his friends were in 9th grade...

...there was a guy called Peter in their class. Unfortunately he couldn't pass the final exams and had to stay in the same class for another year. then onwards they called him repeater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the 9th hole with my stallions by my side.

These two guys came up to me with a puzzled look.

"Are they yours?" they asked.

"They are indeed," I replied.

On the 11th hole they came up to me again.

"Are they following you around the whole way?" they asked.

"They are indeed," I replied.

On the 17th hole...

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

A lady and I once spent our 9th date seeing the dark knight rises

So to summarise our dating life it was like this, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.

It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.

I tried to convinthe thomeone today was the 9th

but they thaw through my false pretenthes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!"

Wife: "Trump won."

Me: "Shit..."

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Round Of Golf

While On A Business Trip, A Man Arrives At His Hotel Early And Decides To Take In A Round Of Golf...
While On The Front 9, An Attractive Woman Approaches Him Asking If He Knows What Hole She Is On???
He Say's Well I Am On The 8TH You Must Be On The 9TH
The Woman Thanks Him And Moves On......

what do you get when you mix 9th grade literature with alcohol?

Tequila mockingbird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You've never heard of the 10th Reindeer?

The first eight are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

The 9th is Rudolth the red nosed reindeer, and the 10th is the jerk called Olive.

Why do i call him a jerk? You know... Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus was playing a round of golf with John the baptist

They were teeing up on the 9th hole and Jesus drives the ball right onto a patch of grass in the middle of a lake.


"Out of bounds, 2 shots!" John the baptist laughs



"I can play from there" Jesus said



"Not even Tiger Woods could get it from there" S...

What do Beethoven's 9th and a dead baby have in common?

They're both D-composed.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

" I see, " , said the blind janitor,,,

As he swept up dirt and saw dust,,,,,


"Wrote" that in 9th grade - 1989,,, pretty proud of that one,, or at least average looks proud...

If someone in Wuhan could travel one month back in time, would he/she stop the epidemic?

No, he/she would be the 9th arrested for spreading false rumour.

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite jokes..

I heard this joke on a mission trip in 9th grade. I still laugh about it to this day.

A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died yesterday. They were immediately sent to hell because they had commited some pretty daunting offences in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

A Million Dollars of nothing

A 9th grade English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Alex!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?"



"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese Golfer

Was rereading Harry Potter Book 2 and got to the Japanese Golfer joke line. Googled it. Enjoy, r/Jokes.

An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are standing at the heaven's gate...

...God is coming to the entrance, yawning.

> "Sorry guys, we're closed."

One guy replies:

> "Wait, what? But we're dead!"


God replies:

> "Doesn't matter. You know what? If you can tell me a funny story of how you died, I'll let you in."

The fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Infidelity

An older guy walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him for his story.

"I came home from work early to our 9th floor apartment and as I opened the door I spotted my naked wife sprinting into the bathroom. She locked the door and refused to come out. I went into the bedroom to find a naked guy hang...

The Music Major

A student has a music major final due, he must compose a symphony.

Out of time, he decides to go to the library to find sheet music and simply write it backwards and submit it as his own. He looks through the stacks and finds one from his very professor when he was a student. He copies it do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men survive a plane crash...

Three men survive a plane crash on what appears to be a deserted island. In short order however, they realize it's inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. Surrounded by savages and all hope fading fast, one of the men pleas for the lives of him and his fellow survivors. The chief ponders his pleas and ul...

Tourism and Immigration

A man dies and goes to heaven. After several years in heaven, he gets bored and decides to go on vacation to see Hell.

So he packs his bags and goes on the trip. Upon arrival in Hell, he's taken on a tour. It's the most amazing place he's ever seen: warm, but not hot, the women are beautiful...

The girls in the tower

It was a rainy night when the man walked into the tower. He saw a single flight of stairs and a door, and when he went past it, it locked itself.

In front of him was the most repulsive being you could conceive. The very idea of disgusting. She winked at the man, and said "Stay with me, or yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, these 3 brothers buy a donkey for their farm...

After just 3 days of working, the donkey dies. The youngest brother decides to bury the donkey in the nearby forest. He brings his shovel, grabs the donkey and goes out. On his way to the forest he remembers that there is a very deep lake somewhere around. After a few hours of searching he finds the...

It wasn't until their 3rd child, after birthing two sons, that Bill and Lonnie finally had a baby girl.

Bill willingly allowed Lonnie to have the right to name their little girl. Bill, of course named both the boys. Blake and Bryan.

After some long contemplating Lonnie decided to name her baby girl Love. Bill thought this seemed a bit odd of a name, but didn't want to cause a commotion over it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

But a few days later, someone walked by and heard music coming from the grave where Beethoven lay. Scared, he ran for the priest and as the priest approached the grave he could hear some strange music from under the ground. He too, startled by the occurrence, got the magistrate. When the magistrate ...

A Husband And Wife Go Golfing

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men went into the jungle

And were caught by a tribe of cannibals. The three men started pleading for their lives, and the chief, pitying them, gave them a chance.

Chief : Alright, I will offer you a chance to save yourselves. Each of you will go out into the forest accompanied by our men, and you will bring back 10 o...

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the gree...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Get into heaven on a bad day

A man comes home early from work only to find his wife's clothes scattered across the living room along with someone else's. In a fury he rushes to the bedroom to see his wife laying in bed naked begging him to calm down.

The man in a furious rage ignores his wife trying to find the man who ...

Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history?

Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president

So a man was walking through a graveyard...

When he began hearing music coming from one of the graves. So he followed the sound and ended up at Beethoven's grave. Then he recognized the music, it was Beethoven's 9th but it was playing backwards! So the man called up his friend to come check it out and when the friend arrived Beethoven's 7th w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

My buddy is getting married.

The date is set for September, 9th. I told him to push it back two days so he'll never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confession time...

A man steps into a confessional.

Priest- "What is your sin, my son?"

Man- "Father, I'm afraid I took The Lord's name in vain today."

"I see. This is a grave sin, as you know, but perhaps there were circumstances leading to this I need to better understand."

"Well, Fath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men on an island get captured by cannibals...

And the cannibal leader tells the men that they need to explore the island to find some fruit. They then must collect ten pieces of that fruit and bring it back to the cannibals. So the men head out and after some time the first of the three returns. He has brought ten apples with him, and the canni...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.