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24th Jokes

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"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

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Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

Why is the 24th State so depressed?

It’s a constant state of Missouri

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

Something really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

A group of construction workers, an Irishmen, a Mexican, and a Blonde are sitting on the 24th floor of a construction building...

The Irishman says "corn beef cabbage again, I swear to God if i get corn beef cabbage again I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Mexican man says "tacos and beans, goddamnit, I swear to god if I get tacos and beans one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Blonde man says "bologna...

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The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...

...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.

The day is the 24th of May, and the pope and a lawyer both die and go to heaven.

They both approach the pearly gates, and the pope arrives first. Standing at the gates is St. Peter. After greeting the pope, St. Peter takes the him on a tour of a heaven. A small crowd awaits on the other side of the gate and cheers as they pass by, the pope is eventually brought to his new house...

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

I tell my friends I’m there for them 24/7.

It sounds better than saying I'm there for them on the 24th of July.

2019 is the first calendar year...

Where the 24th was the end of May.

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.



Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands unti...

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That Mom used to cut off the bottoms of our pockets on December 24th, so we'd have something to play with Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas everyone from r/Jokes!

I hope this post will be online by the 24th as I am using Internet explorer.

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CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. ...

Girlfriend to boyfriend

GF - I'm sorry babe but i've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry aswell, I have also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on 24th March

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders one pint, the second one also orders 1 pint (astonishing the barman because he thought it was a repost), the third orders 1/2 a pint, the fourth orders 1/6th of a pint, the fifth orders 1/24th of a pint and so on. The bartender sees where this is going and says, "I'm all out of ...

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An accidental time traveler falls in a wormhole

He emerges into a building in chaos, people running and screaming. Bodies crashing to the pavement outside

"OH FUCK!" He screams. It must be September 11 2001!!

A man screams in return "No you fool! It's October 24th,1929!"

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

Reminiscing my life 5 years ago

Was a bit of a loner, not that i kept to myself or anything like that, i just couldnt manage to make friends no matter how hard I tried.

My 24th birthday came and decided to go out
and celebrate, on my own of course.

Met some group of friends that night, we got along pretty well an...

A Blonde woman had a christmas fantasy

She had a dream of doing santa claus, and so in the 24th she got all dressed up with lingerie, and put some perfume as well, by the time Santa was there, she asked if he wanted something "special", he replied "thank you, but I must deliever other presents".Not convinced, she took off her panties and...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

Really busy century in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a ...

A blonde, brunette and a redhead are trying to get into heaven

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead died in an accident and are now standing before God. God is awaiting them at the top of a staircase that leads to the gates of heaven. God then says to them, "If you wish to enter heaven, you will have to climb these hundred steps to the top, but for every step you ...

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

There Had Recently Been A Global Epidemic...

...Billions of people were dying. As a result, there was a line of souls waiting to get into heaven. God had become overwhelmed. He said to one of his angels "Go wait at the gates of heaven and only let in people who had a unique death." So the angel goes.
The angel gets to the gate and the first...

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3 guys show up at heaven at the same time...

... St. Peter is at the gate, and informs the first one in line that, because heaven has exceeded its quota for the month, under direct orders from the man himself, he is to let in only those that have died untimely or unfortunate deaths.

Understanding this, the first guy begins to tell his ...

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