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8th Jokes

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade!

Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.

Why was king Henry the 8th terrible at conversations?

He would always cut people off.

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Two drunk guys are standing atop a tall building

While opening another beer, one guy says "It's crazy how windy it is up here!"
The other answers in slurred speach "Yeah, it's because of all the tall buildings here in the city center. This building is actually a special spot. There are such strong crosswinds here that you can actually jump of...

Atheism is like the 8th grade...

once you turn 15 you generally stop bragging about it.

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My friend is 1/8th Jew

He's Jew...Ish

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

On the 8th day.

And on the 8th day Adam had a bad day, and God came to him.

God said: "I know you are troubled Adam, maybe I can cheer up with some nerve cells I didn't need to create you."

Adam grumbled and yelled back to God: "You can stick them in my ass!"

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

The same middle name.

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My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

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Alexzandre told his mom he had the biggest dick in the 8th grade.

He asked her if it was because he was Polish. She said, “No, it’s because you’re eighteen. "

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

If Trump wins on Nov. 8th....

will his wife be called "The Third Lady"?

There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...

A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.

...

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A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.


When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"

"Because m...

How does the outcast 8th Dwarf, Sleazy, start his work day?

With a song, "Hi hoes, hi hoes! Off to work you go!

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True story: Back in 8th grade

My English A teacher: Women are very capable of looking after themselves...

Me: Yeah, in the kitchen...

-whole class chuckles whiles she gives me a dirty look-

She responds, with an insincere smile: Actually, women are slowly moving out of the kitchen and onto better things......

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Dear Diary. Day 8th of the quarantine. I am starting to get seriously concerned...

I started having thoughts of having sex with my own wife!!!

What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus?

Math debaters

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 8th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.

They almost burned down my caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny.

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven.
They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work;
You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."
He looks to the first man "How many times did y...

My wife's p***y is like the 8th wonder of the world.

A popular destination for tourists.

A mother takes her son to a shoe store on his 8th birthday.

Pointing to a pair, she asks,

"How much are these?"

"$10!" says the young salesman, "They're on sale."

"I'll give you $7," she replies.

Needing to fill the weekly quota,

he counters, "$9 and I'll even throw in wheels that attach to the soles."

"No deal!" and...

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

What did the 8th century Anglo-Saxon king say when his brother tackled him?

Get Offa me

8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it...

J.K.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

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When I found out that girls fart, I was in my 8th grade gym class.

The girl that I had a crush on let one rip while stretching, and I took the blame for it. I decided to ask her out after class that day as well. Needless to say, her parents were called and I lost my job.

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A hot blonde is trapped on the 8th floor in a burning building

She looks out the window and sees a massive crowd watching and waiting with baited breath.

So she takes off her clothes, does a few sexy poses and walks down the *stares*.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.

The bartender...

Two blokes are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says "go ask if we can play through"

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

"What's t...

TIFU: I was called in to teach 6th grade math but ended up teaching 8th grade english

Sorry, wrong sub.

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

...I guess that makes me an 1/8th theist.

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

Two older men are golfing on a beautiful spring day.

As they approach the 8th hole, a funeral procession passes by on the road. One man takes off his hat and looks down solemnly until it passes, then resumes walking.

"Wow," says the other man. "I have never seen such thoughtfulness by someone busy with a game of golf!"

The first man repl...

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There
standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the
water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?
“Fishing” , replied the...

Mozarts Symphonies

After Mozart passed away,he was buried in a churchyard,a couple days later the local priest was walking through the cemetery heard some strange noises coming from Mozart's grave



Terrified,he ran away and got the town magistrate to listen to these strange noises


The magistra...

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

How many octopi does it take to change a lightbulb?

1/8th.

Me: I have cheated once

Wife: me too

Me: 1st april...

Wife: 8th october

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Jesus and Moses go golfing.

Is set up to the ninth hole and see a large water trap in front of them. Jesus says to Moses "Arnold Palmer got a birdie with a five iron here"
Moses says it's not a good club but Jesus insists that Arnold Palmer got a birdie with a 5 iron.
Jesus hit the ball and... splash, right into the wat...

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Last year, 7th grade students were forced to clean the entire school.

This year, the principal said, "Last year, the 7th grade student did the cleaning. This year, let the 8th grade students do it."

The night Beethoven was buried

The graveyard attendant was walking by his grave and he swore he could faintly hear Beethoven’s 9th symphony playing in reverse. The next night as he walked past the grave, he could hear Beethoven’s 8th symphony playing in reverse. This happens all throughout the week for this man. The graveyard att...

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A guy calls in sick to work on a Tuesday morning...

His boss becomes irate:

“Joe, for God’s sake! This is the 8th Tuesday in a row you’ve called in telling me you’re sick! What’s going on?!?”

“Well, remember I told you my brother-in-law left my sister a couple of months ago?”

“Of course I do. But what does that have to do with...

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

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Three guys are standing at the heaven's gate...

...God is coming to the entrance, yawning.

> "Sorry guys, we're closed."

One guy replies:

> "Wait, what? But we're dead!"


God replies:

> "Doesn't matter. You know what? If you can tell me a funny story of how you died, I'll let you in."

The fi...

Indian that remembers everything

Guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says "Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket. The guy asks the Indian, "What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?" The Indian says,...

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but ...

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

I got one

When Beethoven was buried in a churchyard,the town drunk was wandering around until he heard music out of his grave.Terrified,he ran to the priest and told what was happening.the priest inspected,he heard Beethoven's 8th symphony being played backwards,then the 7th,then the 6th,then the 5th... He t...

NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The ...

Mikey loves tractors

It's coming up to little Mikey's 5th birthday and his dad asks him what he'd like as a present. "TRACTOR" says Mikey. Makes sense, thinks his dad, kids love tractors. So he buys him a little toy tractor and Mikey is over the moon, takes the little tractor with him everywhere.

Coming up to Mik...

WARNING! SCAM ALERT!

Be on the lookout for two very attractive women. They are hanging out around local food stores.

When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car the one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over yo...

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the ...

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

A husband gets home after playing golf.....

And his wife asks how it went to which he replies "It went very well, except when I hit that goose on the 8th hole" The wife then replies "How many strokes is a goose?"

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

A guy is tending bar at a local pub one afternoon...

And a guy walks in with a fried egg on his head. He sits at the bar and orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

Next day around the same time, the same guys comes in - fried egg on his head - orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

This goes on for about a week. The guy with the ...

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Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.

Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.

In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom wh...

A nun travelling to the Vatican fell out of her hotel window

Falling from the 10th floor, all she could do was pray to God to save her. To her surprise, a man catches her at the 8th floor,

He said "Let me touch your t!ts or I'll let go"

"I'd rather die than commit such sin!"

The man then let her go and the nun prays harder to God .At t...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

But a few days later, someone walked by and heard music coming from the grave where Beethoven lay. Scared, he ran for the priest and as the priest approached the grave he could hear some strange music from under the ground. He too, startled by the occurrence, got the magistrate. When the magistrate ...

Sam likes singing

One day, Sam was just living in his village, Sam LOVED singing, one his 7th birthday, he struck a glorious note. the elders got many questions about the note, they decided to call it note 1.

on his 8th birthday, he sung another note that was equal in quality, but a tone higher, the elders, be...

The day after Beethoven's funeral

The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could h...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:

"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and thr...

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A Round Of Golf

While On A Business Trip, A Man Arrives At His Hotel Early And Decides To Take In A Round Of Golf...
While On The Front 9, An Attractive Woman Approaches Him Asking If He Knows What Hole She Is On???
He Say's Well I Am On The 8TH You Must Be On The 9TH
The Woman Thanks Him And Moves On......

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

Johnny and Tina were sitting in sunday school..

When Tina started to fall asleep in the front row. The nun sees this and calls out "Tina! Who created our earth world and hears our prayers?" Johnny quickly poked Tina in the back with a ruler and she sprung up and yelled "OH MY GOD!" The nun gave a suprised look and said "oh... I guess you were pay...

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

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Golf holes.

First joke for me, I first heard it in French and translated it, please be kind.

Joe practices some golf but he is a little wasted and he isn't keeping track of his score. After a few holes, he forgets which one he's actually at so after putting, he asks a lady to please indicate to him what ...

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Three men are kidnapped by cannibals while in the forest..

Three men were walking in a forest one day when they were kidnapped by a group of cannibals. They plead for the tribe leader to let them, and finally he struck them a deal. If they could complete a challenge of his, then they could walk free.

For the first part of the challenge, the chieftai...

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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.

Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imag...

It wasn't until their 3rd child, after birthing two sons, that Bill and Lonnie finally had a baby girl.

Bill willingly allowed Lonnie to have the right to name their little girl. Bill, of course named both the boys. Blake and Bryan.

After some long contemplating Lonnie decided to name her baby girl Love. Bill thought this seemed a bit odd of a name, but didn't want to cause a commotion over it...

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

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Island of Cannibals

One day, three explorers landed on an island of cannibals. The king cannibal came up to them and said, "I am hungry. I will spare your lives if you each bring me 10 pieces of fruit." They quickly ran out and found fruit.

When the first explorer came back with 10 apples, the king cannibal told...

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