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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

We'll receive our Christmas presents on the 8th of Jan

Coz Santa needs to quarantine for 14 days.

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just sh...

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

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Alexzandre told his mom he had the biggest dick in the 8th grade.

He asked her if it was because he was Polish. She said, “No, it’s because you’re eighteen. "

Two guys wanna go bar hopping, but they are broke.

So they try to think of a plan.

One guy thought of something: "Hey I got an idea. I have a pack of hot dogs here. Why don't I bring them to every bar we go to. We run up our tab, and when we're ready to leave, I'll put a hot dog in my pants and you pretend you're blowing me. People freak out ...

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.


When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"

"Because m...

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

The same middle name.

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

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Dear Diary. Day 8th of the quarantine. I am starting to get seriously concerned...

I started having thoughts of having sex with my own wife!!!

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

Native American that remembers everything

A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says "Amazing Red Cloud, the Native American who remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket. The guy asks the Native American, "What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 198...

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

On the 8th day.

And on the 8th day Adam had a bad day, and God came to him.

God said: "I know you are troubled Adam, maybe I can cheer up with some nerve cells I didn't need to create you."

Adam grumbled and yelled back to God: "You can stick them in my ass!"

What do you call an 8th grader who no longer believes in God?

An eight-eist

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There
standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the
water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?
“Fishing” , replied the...

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My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 8th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.

They almost burned down my caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

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A guy calls in sick to work on a Tuesday morning...

His boss becomes irate:

“Joe, for God’s sake! This is the 8th Tuesday in a row you’ve called in telling me you’re sick! What’s going on?!?”

“Well, remember I told you my brother-in-law left my sister a couple of months ago?”

“Of course I do. But what does that have to do with...

What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus?

Math debaters

There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...

A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.

...

How does the outcast 8th Dwarf, Sleazy, start his work day?

With a song, "Hi hoes, hi hoes! Off to work you go!

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Missed him

A local politician is playing a few rounds of golf with the local vicar.

On the 8th hole, the politician makes what he thinks is a perfect putt, but the ball veers away at the last minute.

“Damn it, missed the bugger!” Said the Politician.

“You really shouldn’t say that,” sai...

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

...I guess that makes me an 1/8th theist.

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

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A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

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Three Men and the Cannibals

Soon after their plane crash landed in the middle of the jungle, three survivors were captured by a cannibalistic tribe.

They were bought to the tribe's chieftain.

"I'll let you go with two conditions. First, you must go and find me 10 fruits of the same type!" said the chieftain.
<...

What did the 8th century Anglo-Saxon king say when his brother tackled him?

Get Offa me

A mother takes her son to a shoe store on his 8th birthday.

Pointing to a pair, she asks,

"How much are these?"

"$10!" says the young salesman, "They're on sale."

"I'll give you $7," she replies.

Needing to fill the weekly quota,

he counters, "$9 and I'll even throw in wheels that attach to the soles."

"No deal!" and...

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3 men get sent to heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.

St. Peter tells them they can have all the golfing and fun they want but when golfing to NEVER hit a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then all the ducks start quacking and e...

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My friend is 1/8th Jew

He's Jew...Ish

My wife's p***y is like the 8th wonder of the world.

A popular destination for tourists.

If Trump wins on Nov. 8th....

will his wife be called "The Third Lady"?

Atheism is like the 8th grade...

once you turn 15 you generally stop bragging about it.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny.

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven.
They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work;
You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."
He looks to the first man "How many times did y...

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When I found out that girls fart, I was in my 8th grade gym class.

The girl that I had a crush on let one rip while stretching, and I took the blame for it. I decided to ask her out after class that day as well. Needless to say, her parents were called and I lost my job.

TIFU: I was called in to teach 6th grade math but ended up teaching 8th grade english

Sorry, wrong sub.

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True story: Back in 8th grade

My English A teacher: Women are very capable of looking after themselves...

Me: Yeah, in the kitchen...

-whole class chuckles whiles she gives me a dirty look-

She responds, with an insincere smile: Actually, women are slowly moving out of the kitchen and onto better things......

8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it...

J.K.

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A Round Of Golf

While On A Business Trip, A Man Arrives At His Hotel Early And Decides To Take In A Round Of Golf...
While On The Front 9, An Attractive Woman Approaches Him Asking If He Knows What Hole She Is On???
He Say's Well I Am On The 8TH You Must Be On The 9TH
The Woman Thanks Him And Moves On......

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A hot blonde is trapped on the 8th floor in a burning building

She looks out the window and sees a massive crowd watching and waiting with baited breath.

So she takes off her clothes, does a few sexy poses and walks down the *stares*.

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The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but ...

NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The ...

Beethoven has died...

Local townsmen state that they can here faint music from under his grave.
Intrigued, the local Mortician visits the site to investigate
And yes, faint music rises from the grave! The Mortician retrieves the Priest.
Together they listen, and slowly begin the realize the music playing is Bee...

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.

The bartender...

Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.

Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.

In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom wh...

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

I got one

When Beethoven was buried in a churchyard,the town drunk was wandering around until he heard music out of his grave.Terrified,he ran to the priest and told what was happening.the priest inspected,he heard Beethoven's 8th symphony being played backwards,then the 7th,then the 6th,then the 5th... He t...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

WARNING! SCAM ALERT!

Be on the lookout for two very attractive women. They are hanging out around local food stores.

When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car the one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over yo...

A guy is tending bar at a local pub one afternoon...

And a guy walks in with a fried egg on his head. He sits at the bar and orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

Next day around the same time, the same guys comes in - fried egg on his head - orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

This goes on for about a week. The guy with the ...

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

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Golf holes.

First joke for me, I first heard it in French and translated it, please be kind.

Joe practices some golf but he is a little wasted and he isn't keeping track of his score. After a few holes, he forgets which one he's actually at so after putting, he asks a lady to please indicate to him what ...

Me: I have cheated once

Wife: me too

Me: 1st april...

Wife: 8th october

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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.

Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imag...

How many octopi does it take to change a lightbulb?

1/8th.

A nun travelling to the Vatican fell out of her hotel window

Falling from the 10th floor, all she could do was pray to God to save her. To her surprise, a man catches her at the 8th floor,

He said "Let me touch your t!ts or I'll let go"

"I'd rather die than commit such sin!"

The man then let her go and the nun prays harder to God .At t...

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

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Three guys are standing at the heaven's gate...

...God is coming to the entrance, yawning.

> "Sorry guys, we're closed."

One guy replies:

> "Wait, what? But we're dead!"


God replies:

> "Doesn't matter. You know what? If you can tell me a funny story of how you died, I'll let you in."

The fi...

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:

"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and thr...

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Last year, 7th grade students were forced to clean the entire school.

This year, the principal said, "Last year, the 7th grade student did the cleaning. This year, let the 8th grade students do it."

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

It wasn't until their 3rd child, after birthing two sons, that Bill and Lonnie finally had a baby girl.

Bill willingly allowed Lonnie to have the right to name their little girl. Bill, of course named both the boys. Blake and Bryan.

After some long contemplating Lonnie decided to name her baby girl Love. Bill thought this seemed a bit odd of a name, but didn't want to cause a commotion over it...

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A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

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Three men are kidnapped by cannibals while in the forest..

Three men were walking in a forest one day when they were kidnapped by a group of cannibals. They plead for the tribe leader to let them, and finally he struck them a deal. If they could complete a challenge of his, then they could walk free.

For the first part of the challenge, the chieftai...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

But a few days later, someone walked by and heard music coming from the grave where Beethoven lay. Scared, he ran for the priest and as the priest approached the grave he could hear some strange music from under the ground. He too, startled by the occurrence, got the magistrate. When the magistrate ...

Why didn't the Skeleton cross the road?

because he didn't have any guts . . (8th grade joke)

Johnny and Tina were sitting in sunday school..

When Tina started to fall asleep in the front row. The nun sees this and calls out "Tina! Who created our earth world and hears our prayers?" Johnny quickly poked Tina in the back with a ruler and she sprung up and yelled "OH MY GOD!" The nun gave a suprised look and said "oh... I guess you were pay...

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the ...

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Bob sees his new neighbor working in his driveway...

Wanting to be friendly, he walks over to the driveway where his new neighbor is repairing his car. "Hey neighbor!" he says affably.

Hearing the voice, a big shaggy dog comes running over and starts sniffing Bob's feet. "Hey," the neighbor grunts.

"I see you've got a dog! I've g...

A husband gets home after playing golf.....

And his wife asks how it went to which he replies "It went very well, except when I hit that goose on the 8th hole" The wife then replies "How many strokes is a goose?"

The day after Beethoven's funeral

The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could h...

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A king and a Queen have a big problem...

...they can't have kids! They decide to go to a local sorceress, and she tell them that they have to take the hair of a fox, the saliva of a dragon, and a chip of a mushroom rock, mix them together, and drink it, and they will have a baby. So, they did all those things, and it worked and they had a ...

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It’s Friday the 13th, and St. Peter is having a busy day at the pearly gates...

…and needs to get creative to make sure he can make it through the backlog. So he decides that only people with really shocking deaths can get into Heaven today.

So the first guy in line comes to St. Peter’s desk, and when asked to describe his death, he says “Well I was a successful busines...

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Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

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