UPJOKE
auntnephewcousingrandnieceunclegrandmaniecestepsonfatherdadgrandpastepmothersiblingfamilysister

Your Family Jokes

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family

It’s that no one runs in your family.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Doctor : "After the operation, you will be able to meet your family members tomorrow….!"

Patient: "But I am all alone Doctor!! All the family members have passed away!!"

Doctor : "I know that...!"

Your family tree must be a cactus ...

Because everyone on it is a prick.

Your family is so ugly...

...your photo albums only contain the negatives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do Alcoholics run in your family?

No, but they stumble around the break shit.

Before they drink they are pensive, but when they are drunk and break shit they are ex-pensive

What happens to your family tree when it’s made up of polyamorous Alabamans?

>!It looks like a chain link fence geting taller each generation.!<

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your son told you he was gay, did he bring shame to your family?

No, he brought Shane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

How can you destroy your relationships with your family?

Adoption papers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never have sex with anyone in your family...

Even if they inceest.

Doctor: "Does anybody in your family suffer from mental illness?"

Me: "No... so far as I can tell, they seem to enjoy it."

What's worse than using your family as political props?

According to my HOA, using them as Halloween props.

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never have sex with your family member.

No matter how much they incest!

Friendly Crow: How was your family reunion?

Antisocial Crow: It was murder...

Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't.

This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning linguist.

Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?"

His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”

I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese porn is the best, they censor the genitals so it is appropriate to watch with your family!

Censored*

Your family is so poor...

That your daddy is the D.J. for the ice cream truck.

This Thanksgiving, when your family asks if you're joking when they hound you about having children...

...tell them you're not kidding.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Don't tell me you're fat because obesity runs in your family...

Not a damn thing has ever run in your family.

What do you call your family after they fall sleep?

Napkins

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

Teacher to a grade 2 student : Who is the youngest member in your family ? STUDENT : Papa

Teacher : How ?

Student : Because he still sleeps with mummy.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

My mom used to say "you love your friends more than your family don't you?"

No mom, I don't bang my friends

The worst feeling ever is when you're studying in your room peacefully in full focus mode and a member of your family enter the room and..

wakes you up

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's Gates

when an angel comes to him with a message that he needs to attend to. Not wanting to leave the Gates unattended, he looks around for help. Just at that moment, he sees Jesus coming around the corner so he calls him over.

"Hey Jesus, can you help me out? I need to take care of something. Could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is being driven down the street in his limo

And he sees a family on the side of the road eating grass. He tells his driver to pull over and he gets out of the limo and approaches the husband. "What are you doing? Why is your family eating grass?"he asks. "Oh, Mr President," the man says "Since the war in Ukraine began I've been thrown out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hea...

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin's driver asks him for a raise

One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass.

"What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!"

The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, alo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.