Would Be Jokes - 109 Hilarious Would Be Jokes

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

If Novak Djokovic was a Pokemon, what would be his evolution line?

Novak -> Novax -> Novisa

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

I thought my friends would be mad that I had a secret second wife.

Instead, they all said that it was big of me to do that.

(Thanks, Groucho.)

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Without women sex would be

a pain in the ass

The question was never whether Trump would be indicted....

But is he competent enough to be tried as an adult?

I never though that orthopedic shoes would be good for me.....

but, after trying a pair, I stand corrected.

Who would be worse than Captain obvious?

Doctor Obvious

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Trump would be an amazing dentist

He is against anything that's not white and straight.

If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be

“I don’t know. What do you feel like?”

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

Greta Thunberg would be proud of this sub

The content is very repeatedly recycled.

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It would be really funny if trees had breasts

Wooden tit?

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

I thought digging tunnels would be exciting…

Turns out it’s boring

If we rated Subreddits on eco friendliness, r/jokes would be the cleanest

Because around 99% of the content is recycled

I would be SHOCKED if you haven’t heard about these new corduroy pillows.

I mean, they’re making headlines all over the world.

Which Disney princess would be the best judge?

Snow White, because she's the Fairest One of All.

What would be the best compliment to someone who loves running?

"You look dashing." lol >w<

So I went into the pharmacy this morning and asked the assistant what the best thing would be for killing germs...

he said Ammonia Cleaner, so I apologized, as I thought he worked there.

You'd think a snail would be faster without it's shell,

But it's actually more sluggish...

Which Marvel hero would be the best nemesis of The Riddler?

The Pun-isher.

A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

You know what would be a hilarious prank?

Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

What would Forrest Gump's computer password would be?

1Forrest1

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Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

None of us thought that our friend Opie would be a good mailman.

But Opie delivered.

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I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

A great name for a crematory would be AbraCadaver

Have you lost a loved one and don't know what to do next? AbraCadaver!

Tired of those pesky teenagers and their hula hoops on your lawn? AbraCadaver!

Interested in going out in a blaze of glory? AbraCadaver!

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entir...

Yoda would be a terrible navigation officer

If you were piloting a ship with him and asked him “Are we going the right way to Alderaan?”

He’d reply saying “Off course, we are”.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

My dad said everything would be back to normal by June

So I told him yesterday "Julyed"

What would be the worst Russian-American name to have?

Jack Meioff

what kind of apocalypse would be best for the economy?

A zombie apocalypse, because zombies are great consumers!

God said a good woman would be found in one of the four corners of the Earth

Then God made the world round.

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.

But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

What would be Trump's rapper name?

McDonalds

What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the childr...

Woman are so confusing nowadays. I thought opening the door would be the nice thing to do for a lady,

but she just screamed and flew out the plane.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

I just realised without tips pencils would be

Pointless...

My doctor told me I would be deaf in 2 years

I haven't heard from him since

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Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

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My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

Y’know what would be confusing?

Finding out that your toaster is waterproof

I thought going to gym would be a good idea for a first date.

But when she didn’t show up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

My grandfather would be very happy with what Boris Johnson's leadership has done to Britain.

But then again, he was in the SS.

If I could be any animal I would be a Weiner dog...

Because then I would always belong.

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It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

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If your sexual experience would be reviewed in trip advisor style, what would it be?

Be the first to give a review

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help i've used too much'.

It would be impossible to remake a classic movie like Casablanca today

because the cast and crew are all dead.

A women would be great archeologists

They always love to dig up the past

Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race

They have twice the horsepower

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

You’d think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it’s actually

A piece of cake.

When they said I would be making a profit,

that's when I started gaining interest.

What would be most recent addition to the villains defeated by Captain Jack Sparrow ?

yes, you heard it right

You would think if a girl undresses you, that would be a sign of consent right?

But the hospital says otherwise

Johnny Depp would be in a much better position if it wasn't for anti-vaxxers.

If it wasn't for them we would all have heard immunity by now.

If I was god I would be an atheist

Because I do not believe in myself

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

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Anal bleaching would be a lot more popular

If they just called it changing your ringtone

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If I ever get a dog, it would be a female

Because all the males are sons of bitches

I would be very productive, but I keep being distracted by two things.

Anything and everything.

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

Getting all that clay off you would be annoying

If you were a harry potter.

I think I would be terrible to have around at a bukkake..

Because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from gently nudging the girl with my elbow while making eyes at one of the other guys, and saying “Get a load of this guy!” In a smarmy voice.

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

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