UPJOKE
thatwhichwiththesincefromfortheminthanthereofthereonthoseoftherein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time my girlfriend saw my penis she chuckled and said, who do you think you're going to satisfy with that thing?

"Me."

Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram. Mary had a little lamb.

I asked my physician why he hits people on the knee with that little rubber headed hammer

He said "just for kicks"

My new girlfriend shares her first name with that of my sister.

When we're doing the deed and I'm on the final cusp of climaxing, I instinctively start moaning and shouting my partner's name.

In my current relationship this is actually very offputting, because while screaming my partner's name I'm reminded of my girlfriend.

I will never date a trans person, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Besides, my wife would kill me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't bother with that new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion, it's fucking garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

Have you heard about what happened with that Italian chef?

He pastaway

Why were people so upset with that financial planner, Bernie?

Because he made-off with all of their money!

Have you heard what happened with that Chinese lab in Wuhan?

**They ate him.**

A girl asking a guy - who are you planning to satisfy with that little thing?

- Myself.

I've worked with that dude for six weeks, but saw him with his mask off and thought he was a stranger!

It was a simple case of mask-staken identity.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

The wife just told me"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".....

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

My fencing opponent stood shocked for a minute, then said to me "that was amazing, did you come up with that all by yourself?"

"No," I answered, "it was a riposte."

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask.

Should I fly first class or second?

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.

I don't even work here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Start a sentence with "I'm not racist/sexist/whatever, but..." Then say something that has nothing to do with that at all

"I'm not racist, but this soup is too salty."

"I'm not sexist, but I need to borrow a pen."

The joke is in the reactions

You know why you should never hang out with that guy from Chicago?

Illinois you.

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

Is this 911? Yes, what's your emergency? Two girls are fighting for me! What's the problem with that sir?

The ugly one is winning! :(

Can't argue with that

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other " Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida

Scottish Husband: There was a good film on tv last night, the boxing one with that guy Sylvester...?

Wife: Stallone?

Scottish Husband: No it’s not still oan, it was oan last night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mom , I'm going out with the girls tonite" "Not with that mini skirt, take it off and put something else"

"But why mom?"


"Because I can see your balls frank"

What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian?

He's having a mid-life crisis

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"

She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"

"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."

Thinking back I really think I had a chance with that deaf girl at the bar

She gave me all the signs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you seriously going out with that skirt?

"Yeah, dad, why?"
"Because I can see your dick, Johnson."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uh Dad!!, can we play with that?

David came home after long hours of work. Tired as he was, removed all his clothes and fell on bed naked.

His twin sons walk up to him and ask pointing to his winkers: Dad, what is that??

*Dad: Uh... that....that is a bird.*

*Sons: And dad, what is that?*

*Dad: That is hi...

What's up with that Rorschach guy?

Why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

An old woman phoned the police and said that her neighbour keeps undressing in his bedroom with curtains open and lights on, so the police go and investigate, they looked out of her window and says but madam you cannot even see his bedroom with that tree in the way she replies.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

Pool donations, what is up with that?

One day this guy came up to my front door asking for donations to the local pool, I told him I would be right back. I came back and handed him a glass a water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's something a man can get away with that a woman can't?

Having a penis.

A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals.

Nobody likes dictators

I believe we should take care of our world leaders. They should not be lame, sick, or unsightly. With that in mind, I went to Russia to see if I could help but they turned me away.

No Putin tended.

What's up with that big metal thing in Paris?

It's a right eyefull.

Why are you prodding me with that ruler?

"Im measuring your patience"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found out R. Kelly had sex with that girl because she reminded him of his mother

He has an Oedipiss complex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

What is the thing that a person with a PhD in philosophy would most likely ask you?

"Do you want fries with that?"

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.