UPJOKE
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Whatcha Jokes

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

Whatcha doin?

Eatin chocolate.

Where’d you get it?

Doggy dropped it.

Where’s the doggy?

Out the door.

What’s he doin?

Makin more!

(Best way to read it is in cadence)

The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of...

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says “whatcha got there, pal?”

“Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap”

“What in the hell would you need all that junk for?”

“He said I can use it to crack an egg”

“You’re such a rube, Goldberg”

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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

Whatcha call someone who discriminates against you's?

Anti-semantic

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee...

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee, and he sits down to order a couple beers.

The bartender notices something *off* about him, and he goes to the man after he's done with his first two beers and asks, "You're not from around here, ain't cha?".

The man goes "Nah, I...

A man had pen-pals all across the Caribbean.

He had one friend in in Cuba and many all across Jamaica. One day the Cuban is traveling abroad near the man's home and asks if he can stop by for dinner while he's there. The man thinks this is a fantastic idea and starts cooking when his roommate walks in.
"Hey, what's up?"
"One of my pen-pa...

Bad cows, bad cows,

whatcha gonna moo?!

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

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An old one, but felt relevant today.

Little Johny is sitting by himself on the curb. He’s been there for hours only focused on one thing, until the local mailman walks up and says “hey Johny, whatcha doin?”
Johny says “mixin.”
Mailman says “whatcha mixin?”
Johny says
“Mud and shit”
Mailman says “whatcha making?”
Johny...

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Need to write some current event jokes for a show, need help! Whatcha got, reddit?

I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

My wife asked me: "Whatcha' doing today?". I said: "Nothing". She said: "You did that yesterday!", I replied.....

"I wasn't finished"

Two fishermen from Texas decide to try ice fishing for the first time

They drive up to Wisconsin and stop at the tackle shop by the lake side. One fisherman buys a couple of ice picks and leaves while the other buys some bait. A little while later, the first fisherman comes back and buys 6 more ice picks, which the shop keeper is happy to supply, but is a little curio...

Two blondes are walking down the street...

...one of them is carrying a large bag.

The first blonde says " whatcha got in the bag?"

The second blonde says " chickens, I've got chickens in my bag. Tell you what, if you guess

how many ive got, I'll give you both of them"

The first blonde thinks for a second and say...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It don't matter whatcha call em, he ain't coming.

A man is sitting at home…

when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there’s no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he’s about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
...

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

Man finds a lamp

He rubs it and pop the genie comes out.

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes.

Man: I wish for a world with no Lawyers.

Genie: Poof! Done, now you have no more wishes.

Man: but you said three.

Genie: Whatcha gonna do? Sue me!

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

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A boy is carrying something past an old man on his porch...

The old man sees him and says "Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Duck tape old man. Imma catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with no duck tape." says the old man.

The boy doesn't listen and walks on. 5 minutes later the boy comes back with 10 ducks all caught up in the tape a...

Daryl was sitting in his house when came a loud knock on his door. He went to the door and a salesman was standing there with an unfamiliar object in his hand. “What’s that?” asked Daryl. “It’s a Thermos.”

Intrigued, Daryl asked, “What does it do?”

Shifting into the sales pitch he said, “This little jewel is amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

After some discussion Daryl purchased one thinking it would really help with his lunch situation at work. The next day he arr...

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Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's...

Two redneck buddies meet.

\- Hey Bubba, whatcha got there?
\- Why, Cletus, this a thermos!

\- Thermos? Whut's that for?

\- It keeps what's hot to remain hot, and what's cold to remain cold.

\- And whut exactly do ya have in tha' thermos of yours, Bubba?

\- Chicken soup and two cones of ice cr...

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A man is sitting on his porch, enjoying the morning...

When a young boy walks by dragging some Chicken wire.

“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that chicken wire?”

“Gonna go catch me some chickens” says the boy.

“Well that’s not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.

A few hours later he sees the boy r...

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A hungry man approaches a Grammar Nazi cannibal.

"Whatcha making in that cauldron?"

"You mean *which* Jamaican."

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.

The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.

The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."

The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

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I was doing some landscaping at the Mental Institution.

A patient looked into my wheel barrow. "Whatcha gonna do with all that shit?", he asked.

"I'm puttin' it on the strawberries."

"That's funny. In here, we put whipped cream on ours."

A man goes out shooting ducks.

He shoots a few, picks them up in his sack, and begins to walk home to pluck them. On his way home, he passes the local pub. From inside, a friend of his calls his name. He goes inside, they talk for a while, have a few beers, then his friend asks, "so whatcha got in ya sack, mate?" The man replies ...

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A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him.
"Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken.
"My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him."
"Why, I'd b...

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Pussy Willow

One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his front porch, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

“Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.

“This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me s...

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So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert

When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inqu...

A man leaned sadly against a wall.

His friend came up to him.

Friend: "Hey, whatcha doing?"

Man: "Practicing being rejected."

Friend: "By yourself?"

Man: "I asked a girl if she could help me, and she said no!"

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An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

I got slapped at the club the other day

I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"

I said, "Wel...

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole...

... when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a ...

A cowboy is riding across the plain one day,

when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply...

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Pirate joke

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him a tour. "There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing every day and there's the barrel for all your sexual needs. "
" Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?"
"Well, you stick your dick i...

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

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The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets a...

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A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night...

...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates.

Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tent...

Zebra dies and goes to heaven...

As he approaches the pearly gates of heaven St Peter approaches the zebra and asks “Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions before you enter?”

The zebra replies “Yes I do, something has been bothering me my whole life.”

Peter replies “What is it? Ask me anything!”

“Am I bl...

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

A crow sits on a telephone pole, doing nothing - looking stupid

A crow is sitting on a telephone pole when his mate, another crow arrives.

Crow#2 asks his friend: "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

Crow#1: "Nothing really, just sitting here and looking stupid"

Crow#2: "Sounds cool, I wanna try that, too!"

An hour later a 3rd crow arrive...

A rural farmer saves enough money to send his son to college

He moves out of town and after his first year he returns for summer break.

His father was elated to see him and eager to hear about what he had learned:

Father: So tell me all 'bout whatcha been lernin'?

Son: Aw Paw, you don't want to hear about that. Besides, it's a bit complic...

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

The year is 1850 in California...

Miners flock to a river to hopefully get a fraction of the immense wealth that awaits in the rivers. Miners come by the hundreds and claim a spot in the river... At least the lucky ones. Some are a little too late and miss the chance to get a spot and leave, except one.

For a week, a miner wh...

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little p...

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Billy goes hunting with grandpa

Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil's house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.

"Hey, Billy. What's that you have in your arm?"

"It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens with it."

Convinced that ...

An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"

The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are...

A hippie walks into a restaurant...

and the waitress comes up to take his order.

"Whaddya want?" she asks.

"Gimme a cheeseburger" he replies.

"How you want it cooked?"

"Oh, you know, not too rare, not too done, you know, in the groove!"

She dutifully writes it down, and asks "What...

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Faster Firetruck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says "Hey, little girl,...

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It's a slow day of crime in Metropolis...

...and Superman is bored to tears. So he decides to fly over to Gotham City to see what Batman is up to. He gets to the Batcave to find the Dark Knight underneath the Batmobile.
"Hey, Bruce," he says. "Whatcha up to today? Wanna get a couple beers, maybe watch the game?"
"Sorry man, I can't," ...

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Smartenin' pills

This little kid Jimmy was frustrated, because every day as he walked to school with his lunch, the big bully Buster would stop him and ask him what he had for lunch. Then he would take the lunch and eat it!

So one day Jimmy decided he had enough, he had to do something about this. Now his A...

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Clem was small game hunting in the woods right around the border area of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia.

He had just shot a possum and was putting it in his game bag when the game warden approached. The game warden says, "Whatcha got there son?"

Clem says, "Just doin' a little hunting. I got me a couple squirrels, a rabbit and this here possum." The game warden grabs the possum, sticks his finge...

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A man is having trouble with endurance in the bedroom.

He sees a specialist about it and the doctor recommends masturbation. "A session in the afternoon a few times a week should make you last longer at night."

Guy decides it's worth a shot, but he isn't sure how to go about it. All the kids are home in the afternoons so his house lacks privacy a...

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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A man has a really bad lisp...

...so he goes to the doctor to figure out the cause. The doctor tells him, "Well, sir, the reason you have such a pronounced lisp is that your penis is abnormally long. I can do surgery on it and remove three inches, and that should take care of your lisp."

The man says, "Gee doctor, I thure ...

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The New Gynecologist

One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.

"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis...

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Heard this on the radio... told many times, but probably my favorite joke.

One morning before daybreak, Little Johnny scatters out onto the front porch with a handful of duck tape. He's stopped by his grandfather, who rests comfortably on an old rocking chair... his usual morning leisure. The grandfather notices the duck tape...

 

"Whatcha doin' wit...

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Two buddies are drinking at a bar..

.. having a good time. The older man mentions that he needs some relationship advice, that he has a big-time crush but isn't sure if they reciprocate.

The younger guy encourages him, saying he just needs to communicate it or maybe booze dat ass up and see where things go.

The older gu...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

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Little Johnny is visiting his grandparents...

...during his summer vacation. The very first night after dinner he sees his grandpa enjoying a glass of scotch in his study. Johnny asks, "hey grandpa whatcha drinkin?" To which grandpa replies, "this is called whiskey Johnny." Johnny then asks, "can I try some?" With a smirk, Grandpa asks, "well, ...

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