UPJOKE
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Waking Up Jokes

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's nothing like waking up to sex in the morning...

Unless you're in prison!

Why do people in Athens have a difficult time waking up?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

I like waking waking up early...

Gives me more time to waste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Waking up

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks "so what's wrong?"

The old man says "every morning at 7 I take a huge dump. Then at 7:15 I take a massive piss."

The doctor says "that's okay most people go to the bathroom when they wake up."

"The problem is I don't wake up till 7...

Putin waking up.

Oh glorious leader, bad news ... we have lost Georgia

"Again?"

Waking up after three years in a coma, a man decided to run in a marathon.

He didn’t win, but he still got atrophy.

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

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Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two re...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,


"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."


I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They wi...

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

As an atheist, I hate waking up

It's always an ungodly hour.

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. After a short nap, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”

The wife was disappointed. She asked her husband’s doctor, “When ...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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