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The Pirate Jokes

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

A pirate goes to the dermatologist.

A pirate goes to the dermatologist to check the red bumps on his arm.

The dermatologist looks at them, and says "Don't worry, they're benign."

The pirate says, "Arrr! I counted them meself, and there be eleven of 'em!"

The pirate and the parrot

This Pirate, his parrot and his crew were rowing up on a ship they’re gonna try and board in the dead of night.
The Pirate whispers out in’a gravely voice, row you dirty b***tards.
A few seconds later the parrot whispers, row you dirty b***tards.

The Pirate whispers out, feel the f***in...

Why did the pirate go ashore?

For a little R & R, matey.

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

'How old arr you?' asked one of the pirate's sailors.

The pirate replied, 'Aye matey.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!



[ I'm^so^sorry ]

What did the pirate say to the Reddit poster?

tld-ARRRRRRRRRRR…

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop...

How did the pirate afford such a big boat?

It was on sail.

What happened to the pirate who started wearing glasses?

People started calling him "Three Eyes."

The pirate comes up onto the deck

The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.

"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.

The captain replies, "Are".

This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.

why couldn't the pirates play cards?

the captain was stood on the deck

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

Who are the pirates favorite team at the world cup?

Ahrr-gentina

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What were the final words of the pirate who died taking a piss?

R I P

How much did the pirate sell his corn for?

A buc-an-ear (buccaneer)

What did the pirate CEO say to his crew?

Argh you have to work harder! Our **sails** are down!

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
...

OC: How did the pirate announce he'd banned Kanye from the treasure hunt?

“There be no gold for Ye here.“

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some arrr and arrr.

What's a pirates favorite sock?

Arrr-gyle.

What's a pirate's favorite shooting sport?

Arrr-chery.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ceee.

[OC] Why did the pirate say he had cute kitten bandaids?

“To treat me owies…”

What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder

The Tale of Greenbeard the Pirate

Greenbeard got his name due his poor table manners and lack of proper beard hygiene, but let's not get into that just now - Greenbeard loved chocolate. He loved chocolate more than jewels. He loved chocolate more than diamonds. He even loved chocolate more than gold - and there isn't anything most p...

A pirate goes to the doctor

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Why did the pirate get cancelled?

He used the hard "arr!"

Who drives the ship while all the pirates are pillaging?

No one, they just turn on auto-pirate

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sailor and the pirate

One day, a sailor met a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asked the pirate, “How did you get your peg leg?” The pirate replied, “Aargh, a whale bit me leg off.” Next, the sailor asked, “How did you get your hook?” The pirate replied, “Me crew was in a battle with ...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR."

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were ...

What do you call a pirate/noble gas that lost the pirate accent

Arrr-gone

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The anthropology student and the pirate.

An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.

The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?

The pirate replied:

I lost the leg to a canon call

I lost the han...

Why did the pirate go out of business?

He didn’t know how to raise his sales

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He felt like he needed some argh and argh

Request: PG Pirate Jokes

I have two jokes that I use a bunch and requesting a third.

1. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday?
Ayyyy, matey

2. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You think it be R, but my first love be the C

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pirate

A man walks into a pub down by the wharf and sits at the bar next to a man with an eyepatch, a hook on his right hand and a wooden leg. The man exclaims, " Wow you must be a pirate!" How did you lose your leg? The pirate looks over and says, "well lad it was my first day onboard me ship, I haven't q...

What did the pirate say on his birthday?

“Yarr, me parties!”

(I told this to my 8-month old and she burst into tears, so I know it’s good!)

Did you hear about the pirate that one the boxing championship?

He took down all his challengers with one right hook

What's the pirates law for equitable retribution?

An Aye for an Aye

Why didn't the pirates bathe before walking the plank?

They figured they'd wash up on shore later.

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?

It was rated Arrr

Why can't the pirate be subordinate to the captain?

Because he's missing the second aye.

Where does the pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buccan-hat

The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel round his crotch.

The bartender looks up and says "Do you know you have a ship's steering wheel around your crotch?"

The pirate goes "Arr! Aye, its drivin' me nuts!"

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

Where did the pirate get his hook?

At the second hand store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say to the bulimic prostitute?

Heave Hoe!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PIRATE THAT KISSED THE PIRATE WOMANS TREASURE CHEST?

His tongue got stuck in her booty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pirate

A man walks into a bar and finds a pirate seated at the bar.

The man takes a seat next to the pirate and notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The man strikes up a conversation with the pirate and eventually works up the courage to ask him about his deformities.
...

The Pirates' conversation…

Pirate: The cannons be ready, Captain…

Captain: ARE!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pirate stroke lumber?

His captain told him to "cum a board"

The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

Why did the pirate walk the plank?

Because he couldn't afford a dog.

What did the pirate captain say when he lost his ship?

(Pause to wait for answer)















Where’s my ship!

The pirate joke (This isn't my joke)

A pirate Captain is surveying his crew on Deck as they set out to see on a long voyage. He notices a new lad mopping the deck and decides to greet him.
"I welcome you to our long endeavor on the high sea" said the captain
"Thank you cap'n sir" said the crew lad, but then followed. "Uh sir... I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into the doctors office with a steering wheel on his penis

The Doctor asks "Sir, doesn't that hurt?"
and the Pirate replies "Aye, it be driving me nuts!"

Salty Pete The Pirate

So, Salty Pete the pirate hobbles into the bar one night. I mean, he's so piratey. He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, the peg leg and hook for a hand, and he for some reason has the helm of his ship stuck to his nether regions.

Anyway, he hobbles up to the bar and tosses down...

What did the pirate say to the flying hooker?

Land ho!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say when they were getting their ass eaten too aggressively?

Yarrgh, slow down you're swallowing me hole!

What is the pirate's favourite letter?

Many would say C or P or even R, but it's X. Cause that's where the treasures is

Why did the pirate only see half of a movie?

Because he was wearing an eyepatch.

What did the pirate say when his child caught the ship on fire?

Arrrrrrgh Son!

How did the pirate get the wenches attention?

Yo ho!

Why didn't they let the 11 year old into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated "Arrrr!"

What did the pirate say when someone missed the joke?

Arrrrr/woosh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

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