What’s the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

Drunk drivers will run a red light.
Stoners will wait for the stop sign to turn green.

What kind of poker do stoned cows play?

High steaks.

What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?

Fried, eh?

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

I always make sure to get totally stoned before going to auctions, so even if I don’t snag anything...

...I’m always the highest bidder...

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

What do you call a stoned Irish person?

A baked potato.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

What happened when the Saudi Arabian woman smoked weed?

She got stoned

What do you call a stoned wrestler?

A high Heel.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*

Got stoned once when I had a sudden realization:

I shouldn't have broken the law in Saudi Arabia!

It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

Two stoned guys...

Two stoned guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend “ keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I’ll do the talking !” The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said “ good evening gentlemen “ the driver excla...

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Jesus turns up at a stoning.

And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx

What's the worst part of getting stoned with cannibals?

You've got to be really specific when you ask them to pass you a joint.

A stoned person was driving a car

Cop: are you high?
Man: hello, am i what?
Cop: high
Man: hello.

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What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex.

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Two Hippies Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.

One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!"

The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low fucking handrail thats killing me."

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

Yesterday I went to a job interview very sleepy and stoned

I was hired

Guys I'm stoned...

Hi stoned, I'm dad

Me and my friend were stoned, he went to the toilet and I asked him what he done. He responded....

"Weed."

A muslim girl said to me “I got so stoned last night...”

I asked, “Why was your dad so mad?”

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Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

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If I was a robot

I’d actually have a sex drive

(Credit to my stoned wife)

What does a stoned guy say to the bus driver after the bus driver says hi to him?

Yup!

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

If you understand how Bruce Lee felt while stoned and reaching nirvana...

You'd be in a high Lee enlightened position

Whats it called when you get stoned and perform a variety of other tasks?

Mult-high-tasking

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

I want to go to Israel, get stoned and fûck a Jewish girl. After that I'll fûck a Palestinian girl..

..... and she'll get stoned.

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God said that a man who lays with another man should be stoned..

So I smoke weed before I have anal sex with my boyfriend.

What do you get when you have a room full of happy people toasting shot glasses to stoned ghosts?

High Spirits

Did you hear about the girl who got in an accident riding a stoned stallion?

She got knocked off her high horse

Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it...

I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

Stoned people jokes

A stoned student was copying whatever the teacher writes on the black board, but every time the teacher clears the blackboard he throws away the paper.

2 stoned men were speaking to each other one said 'i am freezing from the air conditioner'' the other replied " i am jack, from Florida''....

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