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Stoned Jokes

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What do you call masturbating while stoned?

Weed whacking

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

What do you call a stoned poem that attempts to overthrow the government?

A high coup

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A monkey is getting stoned in a tree..

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey

"Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
...

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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

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What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

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Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

How do you tell drunk drivers from stoned drivers?

Drunk drivers run stop signs. Stoned drivers stop and wait for them to turn green.

Who is the best at getting people stoned?

Medusa.

Did you hear the one about the stoned proverbialist?

He watched his pot waiting for it to boil.

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Have Sex And Get Stoned

Saudi Arabia is no joke

When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.

What do you call being stoned, naked and stabbed?

A bargain. The best I ever had.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

Two stoned guys...

Two stoned guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend “ keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I’ll do the talking !” The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said “ good evening gentlemen “ the driver excla...

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*

What kind of poker do stoned cows play?

High steaks.

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

Guys I'm stoned...

Hi stoned, I'm dad

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

What do you call a stoned Irish person?

A baked potato.

What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?

Fried, eh?

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

Stoned people jokes

A stoned student was copying whatever the teacher writes on the black board, but every time the teacher clears the blackboard he throws away the paper.

2 stoned men were speaking to each other one said 'i am freezing from the air conditioner'' the other replied " i am jack, from Florida''....

What's the worst part of getting stoned with cannibals?

You've got to be really specific when you ask them to pass you a joint.

My friend told me he once got stoned and licked a million guys nuts.

He was very high per ball lick.

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

...when a small lizard comes and asks to join it. They get really high and at one point the small lizard says it's thirsty. The monkey tells him that there is a lake nearby and the lizard goes there.

At the lake there is an alligator, he sees the red eyes of the small lizard and says "heeeeyy...

A stoned person was driving a car

Cop: are you high?
Man: hello, am i what?
Cop: high
Man: hello.

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

What did the stoned alpaca say to the other stoned alpaca?

Alpaca 'nother bong

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

Got stoned once when I had a sudden realization:

I shouldn't have broken the law in Saudi Arabia!

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Two Hippies Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.

One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!"

The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low fucking handrail thats killing me."

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx

A stoned bird

A stoned bird was flying when it hit a moving car. The driver stopped, found the bird and took it home to treat it. When the bird is awake in his new cage, he looked around and thought: the jail?!! Did the driver die?

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

Yesterday I went to a job interview very sleepy and stoned

I was hired

A muslim girl said to me “I got so stoned last night...”

I asked, “Why was your dad so mad?”

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

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Mary Gets Stoned

Jesus was drawing in the dirt with a stick, when a crowd of men brought Mary Magdalene in. They said they had caught her in the act of adultery and believed she should be stoned, but they asked Jesus to share his thoughts on the matter.

"Let him among you who is without sin cast the first st...

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A nervous young priest…

is preparing for his first sermon. He goes to the elder bishop for advice, who tells him ‘Take a glass of vodka up with you, and every time you start to feel nervous, take a sip. Everyone will just think it’s water and it’ll help calm you down.’

The young priest follows the wise elders advice...

Mary Magdalene is about to be stoned for adultry

Just as the crowd was about to start throwing rocks, Jesus walks up and says "let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Nobody moves, but then a stone comes flying out from the crowd and hits Mary right in the face. Jesus turns to see who threw the stone and says "I told you not to bother me...

If you understand how Bruce Lee felt while stoned and reaching nirvana...

You'd be in a high Lee enlightened position

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God said that a man who lays with another man should be stoned..

So I smoke weed before I have anal sex with my boyfriend.

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