Splitting Jokes - 13 Hilarious Splitting Jokes

Splitting hairs.

A guy goes downtown to cut his hair, but the place is packed.

Surprisingly he finds his friend waiting outside the venue. "I thought you were a vegan!" He says.

"I am, what's so astonishing?" The friend responded.

"I never thought to find you at a barber's queu!"

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Splitting 5 ways

2020 is all about splitting-in-5, TSLA, AAPL … if you split 2020 in 5 as well it is 404, which make sense as the entire year has been an error message..

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Why are Melinda and Bill gates splitting up?

Because he is MicroSoft.

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If hydrolysis is splitting things with water and electrolysis is splitting things with electricity...

... What is analysis?

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Splitting Internet Charges

I asked my upstairs neighbor to split my internet charges with me, and we could share the bandwidth.

He accepted.

I asked my downstairs neighbor the same thing.

Now I have free Internet!

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

I killed someone while splitting wood today

I'm getting off though, they declared it an axe-ident

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He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

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My wife always gets mad about splitting the grocery bill because "she doesn't eat doritos and Cadbury eggs"

But I've never used any of the cleaning supplys she always buys , and you never hear me complaining.

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Muhammad Ali’s son was conceived over his parents splitting a veggie platter.

His name was Brock Ali.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times

Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times. Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven’t needed to do for quite a long time. I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
Hire a strapping young man.
<...

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

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