Snarls Jokes - 43 Hilarious Snarls Jokes

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”

A guy in the back replies

You don’t have enough bullets

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

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A guy walks into a bar with a gun ...

A guy walks into a bar with a gun, fires one shot into the ceiling, then snarls: “Who’s the low-down dirty varmint who had sex with my wife?”

There is a long silence, until a guy in the back calls out: “You ain’t got enough bullets!”

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

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A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had sex with my husband!?"

In the back a lone nun raises their hand.

"My husband had sex with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.

The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."

A newly-wed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

A woman walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.

"Mind your own goddamn business!" snarls the woman.

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice, "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I'd be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I'd be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom ...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in

St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

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Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.

“Late again, Mr. Potter?", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor.”

Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you fucking serious?!”

Snape grows even paler than usual as looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn't he?”

Just before a redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,

"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

He pulled the sec...

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Walk

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright--but after a few months he gets "lonely".

The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. B...

A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.

When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home and the humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard. Suddenly a little gnome jumps him, cackling “What is that on your back!?” The man replies “Oh, that’s my hump.”
“Give it to me!” the gnome snarls and he ma...

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Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and sna...

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Three Woman go to Heaven

Three Women go to heaven and stand before St Peter. The first women walks up and has an "A" on her stomach. St. Peter notices this and asks the woman "Why do you have an A on your stomach?" "Well," the woman began, "every time my husband made love to me, he wore his Alabama Sweater!", St. Peter nods...

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

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The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

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A man offers a woman at a bar a million dollars...

to have sex with him, after not much debate the woman agrees and says "absolutely".

The man with a smile on his face then says "will you have sex with me for $100".

The woman snarls back at him "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man gingerly replies "We have already ...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

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A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend.

He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home.

The driver doesn't care "Liste...

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An awkward loner goes to a pub.

An awkward loner, sick of being lonely, makes the effort to go to a pub.

It's crowded and noisy but he decides to stay and have a counter lunch.

Having made his choice from the menu over the bar, he pushes his way to counter and attracts the the attention of a rather attractive barmai...

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A Man’s boat sinks...

...and he gets washed up on a deserted island a couple of hours later, along with his pet dog and a pig he had recently bought from a market to fatten up.
After a few days, the man, the dog and the pig got into the routine of sitting at the shoreline, and watching the sun set each evening.
A ...

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A very angry man storms into a bar

A angry man storms into a bar, orders a drink, slams it back in one, and stands up to declare in a loud voice: "I just want everyone to know that lawyers are fucking assholes."

"Hey!" yells a guy in the back of the bar. "I take exception to that!"

"What," the first man snarls, "are you...

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Three amateur shoemakers enter their finest pair of footwear into a competition and are about to be graded on their handiwork ...

The judge goes to the black girl and says "These are the finest pair of shoes I have ever seen! *A+*!"

Then the judge walks up to chubby malaysian boy and says "Good effort, but you could've done better. *C-*."

Finally, the judge approaches the ginger boy and moans "Not even a pauper ...

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Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

Little Red Riding Hood is hopping along merrily in the woods...

... when she sees the big bad wolf crouching behind a bush. She says "My, Mr Wolf, what big ears you have!"

The big bad wolf gets up and runs away.

A few minutes later, it's the big, bad wolf again, crouched behind a different bush. "My, Mr wolf, what big eyes you have!"

The ...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and proceeds to jump up on a barstool while calling out, "Bartender! Give me a shot of your best single malt."

The Bartender looks over at the piece of string and snarls, "We don't serve your kind here - get out!"

The piece of string leaves feeling v...

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It's a hot day at the airport check-in

...and after the queue has been shuffling slowly forwards for what seems like hours, a red-faced businessman can take it no more, and storms to the check-in desk elbowing peons out of his side to left and right. He looms over the desk and snarls at the girl on duty: "I've had enough waiting for one ...

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Mafia joke

A mafia gangster takes a translator to visit the shop of a man, whose brother has just died. He had taken money from the gangster and hid it away somewhere - and the gangster assumed he had told his only living relative, his brother. But the brother only spoke Italian, you see, which is why a transl...

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A man buys a drink at a bar...

and places it down next to him deep in thought.

Suddenly a biker enters the bar and sits down next to the man, takes his drink and downs it one gulp.

"watcha gonna do?" the biker sneers.

The man breaks down into tears.

"Shit man, I didn't think you were going to cry, man ...

The tale of Big Bad John

This fellow was out looking for work. He sees a sign in a bar window that says "bartender needed-no experience necessary" so he goes in and takes the sign to the bar and begins to ask "Is the position still open...?"
"You're hired." The bartender says and throws his apron at the man and heads for...

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

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A lawyer is sitting on a plane...

...and he notices that there's a blonde woman sitting next to him, looking like she's about to fall asleep. He thinks quickly, *how do I make some money off of this dumb blonde?*

He suddenly has a great idea, and leans over, tapping her on the shoulder. She blinks at him. "Hm? What is it?"...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

A man, wandering through the desert, comes across a small town. [Long]

Being thirsty and exhausted, he looks for the nearest inn. Soon enough, he finds one and stumbles in.
"Water," he mumbles to the bartender, holding up two fingers and glancing at the sign that reads 'Free Water'. As soon as the waters arrive, he gulps both of them down.
"You must be th...

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