Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: “Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?”
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply’s “Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes t...

Two snakes are slithering through the forest when one stops and looks at the other

"Hey Carl" he says "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake stops and thinks for a second "honestly, I have no idea, why?" He asks
The first snake responds in a worried voice "because I just bit my tongue"

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked....

A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply."

The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This time there were a whole batch of lit...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...

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Three men were trapped in a desert. Crying for God's help, they heard a voice from the sky...

So the voice tells them, "I shall give you one chance and one chance only to leave this place. Run to the top of that hill and yell what you want to become. You will then transform into what you yelled.

After some thinking, the first man ran up to the top of the hill and yelled, "Eagle!" befo...

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The bird who sought a purpose

Apologies if a joke like this was already submitted, I just discovered this wonderful subreddit and I'd like to chip in :)

A bird had long traveled the country side. He was never content with his meager life, and sought a purpose. One day, the bird came upon quite a sight! A massive clearing ...

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Two friends are hiking in the woods

When one stops to pee. During his potty stop, he is bitten on the dick by a rattlesnake. He cries for help, and his friend comes running over. He sees the snake slithering away and his friend holding his wounded member and immediately calls poison control.
"Please help me, my friend's been bitte...

The devil and three doors

Phil finds himself dead and standing at the gates to hell. The devil approaches and says, "Welcome Phillip, we've been expecting you. Allow me to explain how this works. Everyone that comes here gets an opportunity to choose how they will spend their eternity, behind one of these three doors. Go ah...

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A romantic dinner.

Simon and his wife Mary had been going through a rough patch in their relationship. Their anniversary was approaching and Simon decided he would be romantic and make a home cooked meal complete with wine and candles.

The day of their anniversary Mary is in work and Simon decides its time to ...

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